routine

i've been finding less and less time to sit down and really blog something that is thoughtful.

it's november 16. i'm still trying to figure out where my time has gone, and why i feel like i haven't accomplished all the things i had wanted to finish by the end of this term. now with 7 days of 'classes' left (5 days of clinical, 2 days of PBL), i feel the end of my second to last semester ending, and i'm not really sure how to swallow that.

however, something else really sprung into my thought about myself.

random fact #2:
i am a little OCD about things. after a really difficult day, or if i really feel stressed and don't want to do anything, i sit down with my excel file and sort out my budget/finances. i know it's such a dorky thing to do, but when at the end, it balance, it feels so satisfying! there's a sense of accomplishing something, and i resume control. 


aside from this random quirk, i also realized i've fallen into a life of routine.

every night before clinical, at 9pm, i set out my clothes/scrubs for the next day. i pack my lunch. i pack my bag. recently i've added a grab my coat, and stuff the coat pockets with my keys, my bus pass and my gloves. and routinely, i attempt to sleep at 10pm, and usually there until i fall asleep at 11pm.

the next morning, i'll 'wake up' at 5:35am, snooze until 5:40am (i've adjusted this, i used to set my first alarm for 5:30am, but i never woke up until 5:40 anyway!) then get up, brush my teeth in my room (to keep the sound to a minimum), grab my lunch from the fridge, and dash out the house somewhere between 5:55am and 5:57am and walk 5 minutes to main street where i catch the bus that takes me to the second bus which takes me to the hospital. i get on the floor at 6:45am and start my day.

my clinical days are pretty set. get report, see patients take vitals, give morning meds. set up for breakfast, take break. wash up patients, take second vitals give second set of medication, set up for lunch, take lunch. check in on patients, fill out orders, do patient assessments, toilet patients, get patients up and walking, do charting, take dinner break. come back, make sure patients are up and eating, check for final meds before shift change, toilet one more time, make sure patients are comfortable, then give report.

bus rides home typically take about 40 minutes, with me arriving at home anywhere between 7:45pm and 9:00pm (one time i stayed on the ward until 8pm -.-) i cook a quick dinner, and repeat my ritual.

it's repetitive, but there's a sort of comfort in the repetitiveness. there's a sense of control, and a sense that as long as i pace myself, i can 'check off' the things i have to do, and i'll make it through the day.

even in my normal life, this happens. when i plan for my days 'off' (i.e. days i don't have clinical or don't have class) i have a list of to do items in the order i should do them, and i go through and check each one as it gets done.

Every two weekends, i go home, spend a crazy weekend split between my family, my close friends, and my boyfriend. check, check, check.

it's scary how robotic it's all become. sometimes it's easier not to feel, because then exhaustion sets in. loneliness and sadness set in. i've been trying really hard to find the balance - give myself quiet time. remember to call home. remember to call my friends or at least shoot them an email or a facebook message. but sometimes when i enter into my zone, i forget about all these things, and i begin to run on autopilot.

it's easier to find a place where you feel in control and hide there, then face all the things that are out of your control and have to deal with it with everyone watching.

moments

it's really easy to forget to pause in moments and enjoy them. i feel like someone has hit the fastforward button on life. life is passing me by, and i'm not taking time to slow down and take it in. a wedding. a birth. a friend's party. a day off. a sunny day. a strawberry banana milkshake.

but then, something happens. one second. the prick of a finger. and instantly things change. you forget why you want to be done school so fast. you forget why you want to grow up. you just forget to keep moving. you just sit on the toilet and think... what if? what if this was it? what if all i get is 24 years? what if.

am i taking the time that's been given to me and using it well? am i focusing on titles and talents? or am i making testimonies? Will i only be remembered as a nurse? as a person who was good with numbers? as that asian girl with glasses?

or will people have stories to tell about me. about how i touched their lives. if a computer spits out a piece of paper that tells me my fate, have i done enough with my life, that i could look back and smile because i lived it the way i wanted?

these are the moments.

new foods :)

spaghetti squash :)

Cold stone creamery: coffee ice cream with roasted almonds!

ahhhhhh

on reflections: loving green.

i'm currently on the verge of finishing my 3rd term of nursing, i have less than a year before i emerge from school as a full-fledged RN.

it's weird. i'm unsure whether it's nursing, or if it's mcmaster, but i feel the past 10 months have been the most in my entire university career that i've spent, FORCED, to reflect on myself.

the RNAO best practice guidelines teaches nurses that in order to be a good nurse and perform proper, appropriate therapeutic communication a nurse must know themselves well, where their values and beliefs lie, and be comfortable with themselves. it's only when a nurse reaches this point can they reach out to others fully. this makes sense right? if you can't even love yourself how can you love others?

this last point is something i've always struggled with - loving myself. but with all this reflecting i've had to do, i think there's been more and more time to learn things about myself. i thought i would be afraid of what i'd find, and want to turn away from it, but it's been absolutely liberating.

i think my entire life i spent being who i thought i should be. Because of this, i created a person that i thought people expected me to be. that doesn't make that person i 'made up' any less 'me', but at the same time there were a lot of things i didn't let myself define. and discovering some of these things for the first time are exhilirating. even if it's something simple, i feel like i'm learning about myself... and then learning to love those parts of myself.

random fact #1: my favourite colour is green. 
i used to tell everyone my favourite colour was blue because my sister said her favourite colour was blue. i used to also say i liked yellow because well i wanted people to perceive me as a happy person. i DO like blue (this whole blog is blue -.-) and i do like yellow (it's quite a happy colour), but i think i'm naturally drawn to green. i'm still unsure whether if this is because it has such a natural feel to it, or whether it's like this one book told me that green is a representation of 'life', and because i'm naturally drawn to green, i'm naturally drawn to life. It's also said that green is the universal healing colour as it soothes the eyes and calms the nerves.
either way, i now know i CHOOSE to love green.

day off

i've been so exhausted
it's weird because this past week i really only had 2 days of school, yet somehow each time i have clinical, and each day i AM in school it tires me out.
i feel so exhausted. emotionally, spiritually, physically. So i took today (and yesterday night) off.
I spent the day:

• sleeping.
• I woke up at 7am, and decided nahhh it's too early! and slept until 11:30. I ate a bowl of cereal. watched 'so you think you can dance'. then went back to sleep. woke up at 4pm
• cleaning
• i decided my house was too dirty. so i swept and mopped the kitchen, washroom and my room. 
• grocery shopping
• i was out of veggies and fruits and milk and juice so i went and bought some
• why are the best foods so expensive??? i spent 10$ on cherries today >.<
• running
• that's right! i went for a run. I decided to visit the aviary up near my old place. it was closed, but i walked around the park in the area and heard the many birds chirping (and squawking). definitely somewhere i want to visit before i graduate.
• listening to music
• while running while cleaning. just enjoying my tunes.

I thought after all that i should get SOME work in, so i ended off the day catching up on work. 

On i side a note: i saw my first fireflies today.


"The best cure for an off day, is an day off"

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving 
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here 
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

it's very difficult living a life of complacency.
that seems like a very contradictory statement, since the concept of complacency is being lazy, and so how can being lazy be tiring, be difficult, be frustrating?

because though at certain times, you feel like there's not a care in the world, it's when life suddenly smacks you in the face do you realize how far behind you are, and there is very little hope of catching up.

it sucks living a life where i feel like such an underachiever. what happened? i had such big dreams, wanted to do such BIG things, and i feel like i'm stuck inside this rut... and i'm dying to get out, but i'm afraid that i can't shake the laziness that i've gotten so accustomed to these past few years.

it's especially frustrating when you know that there are certain things that IF ONLY you do them... IF ONLY you DID them... you would've gotten so much further.

it just feels like one of those days where the world is winning 1st place ribbons and all i get is a white participant one.

i first met Charlie on January 28, 2010.

it was my first clinical placement as a nurse, and i was scared out of my mind. I was told to shadow this one PSW who had 6 people to see that morning before breakfast. we took off from the nursing station around 7am, and had to have 6 people, woken up, bathed, dressed, and toileted before 8am. 

the first patient i ever met was Charlie, and he was awake when we came in, smiling a toothless smile at us greeting us with a 'good morning ladies!' 

I learned how to do my first bed bath, change my first brief. He told me that he wanted a pink shirt... do you know why? because "even though 10 years ago pink shirts were not 'in' for men... they are now!"

My first day flying solo, he was the patient i chose. I learned about his meds, his diagnoses. I learned about his care plan, so that I would make sure his needs were met. He was my patient for 3 weeks. He taught me what was 'right' when i made a mistake - like bringing his teeth in the cleaning solution is wrong: you need to rinse them off with water first! We chatted about his 97th birthday party, how he used to be a phramacist. He showed me pictures of himself when he was young (and very good looking!)

And even as the term wore on, i went back to check on him, see how he was, when he needed help, i tried to offer it to him. He allowed me to perform my first real cardiac assessment on him. We did a mini-mental assessment on him, which, during the writing portion, wrote that "I love you all". 

Today began on a sombre note. I walked into the nursing station, 7am. 2 months from when i first met Charlie, and was told that he passed away yesterday of a heart attack.

working in long term care is difficult. it means a lot of humility. it means realizing you are never 'too good' to wipe someone's bum, to clean up after them, to feed them, to help them get ready, to take a walk with them, to chat with them, to sit down, and hold their hand when they are scared. it means facing death.

one of my residents today woke up and decided she didn't want to go to breakfast. Turns out she had an extremely high blood pressure, and she grasps my hand and with a frightened look on her face asks me: "I'm going to die aren't I? I'm so scared... Am i going to die?" 

long term care... is sad.

but long term care... can be filled with joyful, and such rewarding moments too.

another resident of mine spends a lot of time in the washroom, and today she told me to sit down (in her wheelchair) to have a chat while she was on the toilet. We talked about her children. My children (or lack thereof). We talked about how all the people at this nursing home are great and take care of her. She tells me that i'm too gentle and that i need to be more rough sometimes. We talked, she laughed. We laughed together. 

my day ended with me chatting with a patient that my classmates were dressing a wound for. He was in pain. He is completely blind and almost 99% deaf. But he started talking when he knew we were there, perhaps to take his mind off the pain. And then he broke into song. He sang- no he BELLOWED a hymn. It was beautiful. He started to seranade us, then when he realized we were 'too young' to recognize the song, he decided it would be a good idea to yodel. i'm pretty sure i was laughing so hard i was crying. And he laughed along with me. 

it's hard to believe that i've been doing this for 2 months now. it's important for me to remember the good stuff... and the bad. the sad stuff, and the stuff that made me laugh until i cried. it's all this stuff that makes my future job so.... fun. 

it's.... life - the good AND the bad.

slow down, you crazy child

Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me, Why are you still so afraid?

i told myself to walk home today instead of taking the bus (though taking the bus takes... 2 minutes... walking only takes... 7 =P). But as i was walking home, i couldn't bring myself to take nice slow steps and appreciate and soak in the sun.
i've been is such a hurry and so busy the past few weeks, reminding myself of next steps, that i've forgotten how to slow down and enjoy.

even as i was spending time reflecting on the past few days, i had my reflecting was interrupted by thoughts of what to do next, and when i get home i should grab the garbage cans as i go in so i can save time. all my time and thoughts are devoted to efficiency and what's the fastest way to do everything. Everything is dictated by some sort of timeline, some sort of 'to do list'. Though i agree this can be beneficial, i think these things cause me to deprive myself of simple joys. Even in that simple thought of bringing in the garbage as i go in, i deprive myself of the extra sunshine i get when i go out for a second time to grab them. I increase my screen time and 'busy work' time that i don't allow myself to breathe.

i realize for me, keeping busy, running away  -those are all mechanisms that help me to cope. 'why are you still so afraid'. i think i'm afraid of the thoughts and the feelings that would come if i just stopped to think about them. busy-ness is a cover, it's a handle to hold on to, it's a safety blanket. as long as i have inertia i can keep moving. but the minute i stop... the minute i really think and really let myself feel... then i'm afraid i won't be able to get myself going again.

but i will draw wisdom from my good friend Morrie.
“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being attached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

i've used this quote so often, but it still reminds me that... it's okay to feel broken. it's okay to feel pain. it's okay to cry. it's okay to reflect and think about what you think about things. it's okay to despise change. but it's when you FULLY feel these emotions, and let these things pass through you, can you say that you have experienced it, and can let go and detach from it. in slowing down and facing the stuff you dread most... that's when you can really overcome it. the more you hide from it, the more you run... the more these things will have a power over you.

Slow down, you crazy child, and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile, 
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?

on 'me me me'

over the past few weeks we've had a few clinical training sessions where we're taught to look at things in new perspectives and taught how to 'be a nurse'.

one particular session stuck out to me. we were talking about new perspectives, and how we can look at any given situation and 'twist' it so that it becomes something positive. as people would say - it's all about attitude.

the question was 'WHY is this opportunity for long term care in my life right now?'
many people in the class looked at this question and thought 'well i need to take it to pass'... others started thinking 'outside the box' and thought of some 'philosophical' reason - 'so i can gain a better understanding of an elderly population', 'so i can learn to care for a wide-range of people', etc. etc.

one thing that irked me about this whole thing was... nobody ever fully switched the perspectives. how about: 'because there is an aging population and they need people to care for them' or 'to provide care for people who are often overlooked' or 'because there is a shortage of workers in the ltc field, and they need the help'.

it made me realize how much of a self involved world i live in. the answers i came up with were, 'so i could practice my clinical skills, 'so i could determine whether ltc was in my future', 'so i could move forward in my education', 'so the older population can teach ME'... me me me me. the only person that gains is ME

it's easy to think outside the box but still look at things from my own lens. sure there's a shift in attitude. instead of 'necessity', it became an 'opportunity'. but what happened to thinking outward? what happened to thinking about the people around me?

am i in the nursing profession so that i can gain? so that i can have a steady job? so that *i* can change the world?

or am i in this because people are hurting. because people need to be cared for. because people are waiting. because PEOPLE need help?

am i here to help myself? or here to help those who can't help themselves?

when i ran for committee a few years ago, i had come fresh out of l'arche arnprior, and i still remember that my vision... what i felt i could do on committee -  was to mobilize people. not to take their ideas and implement them. but to help THEM realize their passion and give them the resources to fulfill that passion.

living there reminded me that yes there are 'easier' more 'efficient' ways to do things. but that's not what people want. people don't want a quick fix. people don't want someone to just do things because it's faster. people want to be supported, encouraged, respected, LOVED. if i brush someone's teeth for them it might be faster, but it degrades them, making them feel incapable. yes, the alternative takes up my time; standing there reminding them to brush their gums, and to gurgle the water way back, and not to miss any spots.

but isn't that the point? i am here to give my time. it's not an obligation. it's an opportunity. it's an HONOUR.

it's time to stop looking inside. How can i help YOU?

there's no audience watching, cheering for the poor tortured heroine

no one rooting for her to meet her happy ending and her prince charming

there's just life. there's decisions.

there's no 'right' answer, just what you choose to do with what's given to you.

and at the end of it all. it's not a point system. there's no reward for sucking it up and living with pain and wounds and hurts. at the end of it all, it's whether you chose to stand up and still love in spite of it all.

this is probably the most difficult i've had to make in nursing so far.

what colour?!

please help me.

on defying gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

i think i've become a gleek.... =p

on counting my blessings

i get caught up in my misfortunes sometimes i forget (once again) how much i am blessed with.

it happens quite often (see bad luck spells). i forget that among the bad things, there always good things.

i think i've spent a lot of the finals time whining and being sad and depressed that things are different. that i am alone. that i'm stuck inside.

but i forget things like:

a) other people are studying too

b) well the fact that i AM inside, and NOT outside in the freezing cold

c) i am studying so that i can be a GOOD nurse and take care of people to the best of my ability - and not cramming information into my head that i will forget the next day

d) i have TIME to study. none of this cramming business

e) sure, i haven't been home in almost a month, but some of my friends haven't been home in much longer than that

f) i have awesome friends who play online scrabble with me, come out to hamilton just to have ayce sushi and cheer me up, chat with me, webcam with me, take me to midnight madness at ikea :)

g) i have wonderful housemates that go to ikea spontaneously with me, cook for me, chat with me

h) i currently am in the constant presence of a fish that's super active and likes to push pebbles around it's bowl to remind me that he's still here, cheering me on

i) my parents came to visit me just last week with tons of good study food

j) CHRISTMAS is around the corner, and i have 2 weeks off

the list could go on. i just keep forgetting. and i shouldn't, because i really am blessed. and really lucky. and i SHOULD be... and am, very, truly thankful.

"Just a little while longer I wanna pray

Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord, just for loving me
Many times I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me
...
I wanna say thank you"

~Thank you- the Katinas~

on study breaks

i hit the 75 hour mark of being in my house. and i decided it was enough.i spent 3 days+ hiding in my house studying, and it's been quite bizarre. I never studied this much or this hardcore when i was in waterloo.

i had my fits of temper tantrums and curling up into a ball depressed from studying... so finally, under the orders of one of my housemates, i made it my 'mission' today to visit the second cup in the westdale village (maybe a 5 minute walk away from my house) to get a candy cane hot chocolate.

I had my reservations about this considering i was trying to finish goal #100 on my list (don't spend money for a week) and i hadn't 'really' spent money since... well since last saturday (i 'bought' another macid on monday...), and so i thought, i can last a few more days without spending money. But approaching my 75th hour in my hermit state, i needed to do something for me - to save my sanity. So i bundled up and trekked over to the second cup and - voila! happiness in a cup.

i brought it back, and curled up in a chair (determined not to think about exams for 1/2 an hour) drank my hot chocolate, read a good book and hung out with my new friend 'fitzy'.

the break ended with my taking a 10 minute nap in the glow of my bedroom lamp and the warmth of hot chocolate in my tummy. best $3.50 i've ever spent. <3

on blogging and social determinants of health

so i'm sure people are shocked to see my posting more than once every month. awhile ago, i had started a 101 list of things i wanted to accomplish, and i remembered that one of my items was to blog three times a week (at least) for a month, so this has been my attempt.

the purpose behind this was that i don't tend to be a very open person. there are things i place out there voluntarily, and typically they're easy, shallow thoughts, but the stuff i think about deeply, the things i learn, the things that trouble me... most of those things stew in my mind, or if you're 'lucky' enough, i will boil over during a phone or gtalk conversation.

this is where blogging was supposed to come in. to 'force' me at least three times in a week to translate my thoughts into coherent sentences.

i shared with a friend earlier this term that i realize there are a lot of thoughts and "aha!" moments in my head... but when it comes to telling people them, they fall short of the 'glory' it manifested in my head. my thoughts are much more eloquent than my words are.

but as i'm spending a lot of my time studying and regurgitating information, i'm not having very many thoughts. so this week is kind of a crummy week to be blogging my thoughts. because what will result are things like this:

i was studying for my health, science and society course and was reading that social determinants are often much more impactful on health than individual behaviours. the textbook displayed two lists of '10 tips' for better health. the first is something you would see a bit more normally, and as mentioned above, individual changes can make some sort of impact on health, though maybe not as impacting as we believe. the second list... well it's interesting. i hope i am never expected to give these tips as a nurse.

the 'traditional' list:

1. don't smoke. if you can, stop, if you can't cut down.
2. follow a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables.
3. keep physically active.
4. manage stress by, for example, talking things through and making time to relax.
5. if you drink alcohol, do so in moderation
6. cover up in the sun, and protect children from sunburn
7. practice safer sex
8. take up cancer screening opportunities
9. be safe on the roads: follow the Highway Code
10. learn the First Aid ABCs: airways, breathing, circulation.

the 'social determinants' list:

1. don't be poor. If you can, stop. If you can't, try not to be poor for long.
2. don't have poor parents
3. own a car.
4. don't work in a stressful, low paid manual job
5. don't live in damp, low quality housing
6. be able to afford to go on a foreign holiday and sunbathe
7. practice not losing your job and don't become unemployed
8. take up all benefits you are entitled to, if you are unemployed, retired or sick or disabled
9. don't live next to a busy major road or near a polluting factory
10. learn how to fill the complex housing benefit/asylum application forms before you become homeless and destitute

anyway, back to the books.

on 'undo'-ing

i think i've been spending too much time writing papers.

i was re-arranging some notes in my binder, and because i'm 'oh-so-smart', i tried to 'move the pages' thinking the rings were closed and they weren't. so all the pages came off the rings :(

the funny thing here was the first things that flashed through my mind was 'CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z!', which for those of you who don't know - it's the 'undo key' in word. -.-

oh the sad life i lead.

though sometimes, it'd be nice to have an undo key in life.

on losing things

i lost my wallet yesterday.

not sure how it happened but it did. and it was pretty.... upsetting, frustrating.

i think i'm the type of person that is relatively scatter-brained. i 'lose' things easily. my phone, my camera, my id, my keys. i will rummage through all my stuff and freak out because i can't find my stuff, and then 5 minutes later pull it from my purse.

but actually losing something, it was a really sad feeling, disappointing. i kept hoping that the more i looked i would just 'find' it in my purse. or my friends purse. or the restaurant, or the hall, or the police station.

it was weird too in the sense the first thing i thought about was all the money i had in there - everything i would have to 'spend' to replace it all. but upon talking to my father, he reminded me that that's all replaceable. there's precautions that must be taken (i.e. associated with identity theft and all that fun stuff)... but in the end, everything can be replaced. money can be re-earned. my driver's license, health card, credit cards, debit cards can all be replaced. even the picture i had in my wallet can be replaced.

sometimes, i wonder if i'm just really naive. i still hold out hope that someone out there will be kind enough to return my wallet. even if i know that this chance is small, there's still a glimmer left that i'll be the lucky one. even though i already KNOW that i need to move on, and find a new wallet, and fill it up with new things, there's a part of me that isn't letting go of my old one. even though i know i can't dwell in the past, sometimes, it's just easier to, then to take steps to move forward.

i guess i just don't take losing things well.

on a clean room

someone really smart once told me that the state of your desk/room is the state of your mind.

like always - the state of my room here in hamilton has been a mess. i did laundry on friday and didn't have time to put it away before jetting away to barrie for a bulk of the weekend. my shelves were collapsing from me piling textbooks on it in an aggressive fashion. my bed - unmade as always.

i realize that my room at home is often in disarray, and that's probably why i could never study in it. but, now sitting in a freshly cleaned room, it is refreshing. at least there's a part of me that feels organized and on top of things - in control.

in class, that's one thing we discussed about why it's important to respect and give self worth to a patient. because often they're in situations where they are completely out of control. and if you give them something to hold onto: maybe it's a routine, maybe it's a decision - anything that's THEIRS. they gain stability, and they can once again feel in control... of SOMETHING, of ANYTHING, even in a situation that is completely overwhelming.

so, in my clean room, there's a sense of accomplishment, a sense of control - i know where everything is, i cleaned and organized this room. i can tackle anything.

bring it on finals. i can take you.

on being profound

for people who don't know me too well, or see me in my 'thinking' stages, i am often quiet, and seem relatively deep in thought. and when people ask me what i'm thinking about - i usually reply with 'nothing'... because more times than not, i'm not thinking about anything that i feel is profound or is worth saying.

not to mention, even if it was, i don't have the eloquence to verbalize and articulate what i might be thinking, because my mind works a heck of a lot faster than can be translated into words.

but i realized something today. it's not about profoundness. you may read my blog or my tweets and be like - DUH! most things i learn or realize are not new, startling discoveries. they don't really bring new perspective on things in general.

but for ME it's growth. it's movement. when i'm deep in thought, i am trying to figure something out. i'm waiting. waiting for the sudden AHA! feeling when some concept finally clicks in your mind.

It's like when a puzzle piece fits - actually FITS; none of that forcing it to fit because it look like it should. there's a sudden shift in your mentality, that allows that piece just to slide smoothly and conjoin with another piece. Anyone else could've seen why those pieces go together, but it's not until you feel the pieces 'click' into place that you yourself realize... and actually understand.

when i'm deep in thought, i don't try and make a breakthrough for humanity - i am trying to make a breakthrough for ME. hey, if my breakthrough HELPS humanity (or a friend) then all the better, but that's not the point of trying to think out an idea, it's not the point of blogging, journaling. the point is to help me get from where i am *down here*, to a different place *slightly above down here*. it's not always about big leaps. sometimes it's about those baby steps.

on sticky note reminders

during class today (yes, during class... i am an awesome student)... i made a list of things to do... for today and the rest of term... and man. it was a bit overwhelming.

there is so much to do... but i decided, no matter how extensive this list was, i had to keep these things in mind:

oh sticky notes how i love thee

on mondays

i usually hate mondays.

the definition of monday (literally) is the moons day... and in russian, the term used for monday was the 'day after holiday'.

and that's what i feel. every monday comes around and i feel like i need a new beginning - i need a day to 'get my affairs into order', set my life straight again.

after a fun weekend (the nature of weekends are that they are fun), i need the time to re-adjust into my reality. it always kinda sucks, like waking up from a good dream.

but order is good. i realize i've started to look forward to my monday nights. Aside from the fact that Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory, How I met your Mother, House and Heroes (though i only watch this last one on occasion) all air on mondays, i've really come to enjoy this 'reset' button i get every week.

- reflect on goals on what i need to do
- think about what is due and start working on it
- pay my bills/sort out my financials
- think about groceries i want to buy
- plan my next weekend

i like new starts. a fresh page. a re-shuffling to get things back into a way that i like. so it's only natural i'm growing to like mondays. (i know it's argued that sundays are the first day of the week... and in many aspects it is, but, i've ironically seemed to have chosen monday to be *MY* reset button)

i am an anomaly, cuz seriously, who the heck likes mondays? To be fair, i still strongly dislike monday mornings. but... monday nights? they're cool. hello week! here i come.

on doing things my way

i realize that i have a very systematic, and... almost eccentric way of doing things. For the most part, things end up alright. in the END i'm thorough. in the END it pulls together. but sometimes, the journey is just messy... and people looking on think i'm a bit crazy.

my summer job ended with a ridiculously quick switch over where i had to hand off a lot of my things to a new co-op in a one day switchover. As the term was ending, i realized that though things ran relatively smoothly while i was there, the way i went about doing a lot of things was not exactly the best - i.e. the order in which i did things, or my organizational skills etc.

i also found out today, that something that could've been done to make the process more thorough, i didn't do, just because i was so pressed for time. it was frustrating for me to sit down and listen to my successor tell me what i neglected and how he was doing my job better than me. what he doesn't know is how much politics there were over the summer, how fast paced things were then, how long it took me to establish what i even handed to him. i kept telling myself... well if i had been there longer, if i wasn't in a rush, i would've done it! but to him, my discombobulated way of doing things was wrong, and that was his solution for fixing it.

and as much humility it takes me to admit it - their way might be better... might be more efficient. and that's what gets me. i WANT to do it my way, because i think i'm right. i want to do it my way because it makes me feel better, smarter, superior. i want to do it my way because it means i'm RIGHT. but i am not always right. i am not always the best.

i think i'm so used to doing things on my own, in my own way that i FORGET that other people don't understand. i FORGET that some things... i CAN'T do on my own, and the way i'm going about things... well people can't help me. people can't follow me through my process because it doesn't make sense to them. to them i'm back tracking, then moving forward, then back tracking then jumping 10 steps ahead. my mind in non-linear and it shows.

but i need to realize that... just as people have to accept how i think, and how i need to do things my way... that other people have their way too.

weekend - please don't end

weekend highlights (in chronological order)
location: toronto --> hamilton --> burlington --> hamilton
- catching the GObus RIGHT before it left
- napping while the rain fell on bus's tin roof (not sure if it was 'tin'... )
- catching up
- homemade mac 'n cheese _ RIBENA!
- talk of foot diseases (okay, not such a HIGHLIGHT, but... it was interesting!)
- how to lose a guy in 10 days
- more catching up
- webcam photos
- night out for the first time this [school] year
- NO COVER!
- cute bouncer
- sweet home alabama
- 3am fries with st.louis dipping sauce
- more catching up
- not just noodles lunch
- barrie meets hamilton!
- more catching up
- Spice Avenue + Green Curry
- Coconut + Mango Ice cream (and a banana chip)
- folding 'lilies'
- a clear night after the rain
- view of Hamilton from the escarpment
- 'is that a stadium?'... 'no... that's a no frills'
- pitcher of Rickards Red
- "Fay Hung Kay"
- shadow puppets
- lying on a carpet and just laughing about everything
- a good night sleep
- pumpkin spice lattes
- new pair of boots!
- shopping
- boy talk
- more shopping
- demetre's
- more catching up and getting over the itis
- 'love story meets viva la vida' while writing
- finishing my first paper of my second degree! - "why do i want to be a nurse?"

good friends. good times.
next weekend: thanksgiving - waterloo

on being a snob

when you look at things from one perspective, with a certain set of eyes, or 'glasses' if you will, everything can be spun to look one way.

at mac i am OLD
though this fact may indeed be true... does it really make a difference? i've been in hamilton for a solid week now and i've spent most of it stuck in the mentality and perspective that i'm old. that i am not a frosh. in attending the ccf, when people asked me if i was a frosh, i laughed and quickly corrected them - no, i'm not. i've ALREADY gotten a degree. i went to waterloo. i am far superior to you

i think looking at everything from these glasses has sort of put up a barrier for people who may just want to get to know me. shield them because in my own way, i'm saying, i've got my own friends, i don't need anymore. May way of saying, i'm older, more mature than you, and you have nothing to offer me that i don't already have. i have in a weird twisted way become a sort of snob, who is overly proud, to the point where when i look at others, i look down on them.

in my gtalk conversations, the fact came up - don't be a snob joanna. i scoffed and brushed it off. it's not that i think i'm better, it's the fact i AM older, and i can't be that juvenile anymore, and there's just this separation in understanding between the-.... wait. what did i say?

i've always had my share of younger friends. being in waterloo, especially my last term, i spent a bit of time with frosh friends, 2nd years, 3rd years, 4th years... and though sometimes, yes, i realized it was my age that was bringing up the average age... but it never bothered me. I always believed, you could learn something from everyone. who cares about difference in age. yet, when i arrived at mcmaster, all i've been seeing is the world through age-tinted glasses.

so, ask me again - i dare you. Am i frosh?
why yes! yes i am. and i'm ready for my first year at mac.



note: this is not to be confused with age-delusion. in this new mindset, it's not that i believe that i am any younger than i am, but being comfortable enough with that fact that - who cares? i'm still glad to meet you, age gap or not.

on being stubborn

i have a headache
my stomach is grumbling
it's getting cold
everyone is leaving

but i refuse to leave my seat in the library at mac... because i have no contact with the outside world at 'home'

being alone at home isn't that bad - why am i avoiding it?
man i need to suck it up and just adapt -_-

first day of 'real' class tomorrow. deep breaths. here i go

on taking blood

scene: 5 year old joanna in a blood lab, eyes tearing, sitting on mom's lap
mom: you need to hold still or the needle will hurt MORE!
little joanna: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*nurse pokes in needle*
little joanna is crying and shaking uncontrollably now
mom: JUST.HOLD.STILL!!!!!
*end scene*


scene: ~10 year old joanna in a blood lab, getting blood tested after being really really sick
nurse: we're going to take this much (holds up bottle) blood from you okay?
*sticks in needle, blood starts to drain out... nurse leaves the room*
joanna: ooouuuuuch that hurt... and hey... look... my blood is coming out of my a...... *passes out*
*end scene*

scene: 23 year old joanna in occupational health nurse office, getting immunizations checked for nursing
nurse: looks like we're going to have to take some blood to make sure you're immune to everything.
joanna: okay
nurse gathers supplies, and pokes joanna (while she is watching) with a needle, takes the blood. joanna leaves.
*end scene*


sometimes it's hard to see on the surface that you've grown. but then suddenly onions don't taste so bad, tofu has become a choice food, and even taking blood is no longer a big ordeal... you see that there IS growth. i'm growing up. maybe not exactly the way, the speed or HOW i want... but there is improvement and change - and that to me is growth.

i can safely say i've grown out of the fat little chubby kid that first went to westvale for my first day of kindergarten, and would only speak chinese with jasmine because we were BFF. outgrown the nerdy little skinny kid entering Centennial for the first time, excited to see what lockers were about. matured from the (still) nerdy girl that entered WCI thinking it was my 'big chance' at independence. changed from the naive girl that walked through the doors of REV South A to begin my 'life'.

i've somehow changed into this person i am today. there are parts from my past self that i wish i still was - open, curious, creative... but then i realize that i needed to evolve. needed to be harder, needed to be more grounded, to be less whimsical. life's tough stuff.... but it's how we come out of the experiences that shapes and grows us.

so here i am, ready to start at another school. this time, no best friend in the next room. no pre-set of friends. on my own. and i gotta take it as it comes. no crying, no passing out. just go.

on making the effort

this term has been a term of hiding and not trying.

it's pretty bad falling into this complacent state where i prefer to come home and hermit and make my own dinners and eat grapes (partially because i'm trying to save money). but there are moments where i make my entrance into the world and really try to mingle with people and pull myself out of this depressive state.

but sometimes i can't help but stay in this slump, where i lack the motivation in general to push forward and try to accomplish something new... maybe not something new, but even just to work towards a goal.

i think things like deadlines, they help. it's pretty much an external force driving me when my internal force of motivation has failed. but i think predominantly the reason i've been avoiding people is because i know that when i face people, i have to face all the missed deadlines, all the missed opportunities, the skipped efforts, all that. i know that all of those things will come back to haunt me because people remind me of the things i should've done if it weren't for my laziness, tiredness, apathy.

sometimes it's easy for me to lose patience with people because i feel like all they want is me to do stuff for them. my boss is only teaching me this so that i can finish this other for them. my friends are only encouraging me to learn because they need me to help them out. i get semi annoyed at everyone who are pushing me to do things, not for my own sake, but for THEIR sake. i think that makes me frustrated... and 'turns me off' from doing what they ask me to - simply because, well... they asked me to.

but really... i know people mean well. they are encouraging me, teaching me, pushing me... because they want to SEE me become the person i say that i want to be.

so here's to change, to growth, to pushing forward. here's to accountability and watching out for each other.

a tale of two sisters

once upon a time there lived two sisters. they were heading to the younger sister's apartment for the night so they could have a good night of rest before a long day of work and travelling the next day.

unfortunately, there was only one bed available at the apartment, and it wasn't big enough to fit the two of them. the younger sister insisted that the older sister sleep in the bed because she was well older, and the older sister would be traveling all day so it would make sense for her to sleep comfortably in a bed. She also felt as though it was appropriate as the host to offer up the more comfortable sleeping location to the guest.

the older sister being stubborn refused and stole a blanket and fell asleep on the floor.

the younger sister being stubborn as well decided to sleep on the couch in spite of her sister. she figured if her sister woke up she would move to the bed.




in the end, because the two sisters were too stubborn, the bed was left empty.

.the end.

On summer days :)

hair down, wind blowing
shoes off, warm breeze
eyes closed, bus driver blaring country tunes
relaxed
it finally feels like summer

Sent from my iPod

on bad habits

So I've developed a bad habit of falling asleep while chatting to people around 10pm.... Then waking up at 3am because I had left the light on.

Sent from my iPod

on bad luck spells

they say that bad things happen in 3s. a few weeks ago, bad things started, happening, so i counted them, hoping after 3, it'd be followed by 3 good things. that's how it's supposed to work right?

- at FMP I misplaced my dad's car keys
- my Mastercard stopped working
- i started losing massive amounts of hair (like tooons)
- i worked almost 12 hour work days
- my days at work started beginning at 6am and getting home at 8pm
- my (mom's) laptop died
- i got rejected from some grad schools that i really wanted
- i am slowly going broke because i spent a ridiculous (like... REALLY HIGH AMOUNTS) amount of money in May

and the list kept going... and going... and going.

so it's not my fault that i haven't been blogging. i blame it all on the bad luck spell. whoever said that bad things happen in threes... well - there's 7 there. i guess that's three sets of three bad things... almost?

not to be looking on the dark and emo, I'm sureood things are always interspersed with the bad:
-my sister got engaged! :)
- i got new glasses (at FMP where i lost my dad's keys -_-)
- i got a new phone (though i found out that it won't let me read texts while i'm on a call -_-... though it SENDS texts...?)
- discovering that the reason why my mastercard stopped working would explain the reason my VISA stopped working like a year ago. WHICH! means i can reactivate my VISA again toooo yayyyy
- eating cheap wings with laura followed by a cheap (relatively... though not free!) movie night: UP :)
- weddings :)
- we won our first softball game of the season :)
- i got in (and finally accepted) mcmaster Nursing accelerated program for Sept 09
- i signed a lease on a new place to live starting in fall (in Hamilton)
- after realizing i am slowly going broke making a budget... and... err sort of sticking to it - making only cheap purchases - (i.e. 20$ cleats!!! :D)
- i am convocating in 2 days - i got a degree :)
- being disconnected from the world isn't bad. it's forced me to turn to things like books, phone, in-person meets.

perhaps my bad luck has turned. so for every bad thing... wow i have 11 good things listed. I guess my life doesn't suck after all

the climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

on the ugly duckling donut

I was standing in clinic waiting to see someone about my study, and i overhear the following exchange of words between a mother and her 6 or 7 year old daughter...

Mom: (holding a Tim Horton's bag that looked like it still had a lump of something in it)... so you see, you chose the beautiful pretty looking donut, and it was so gross you didn't want to finish it. When you really should've listened to me. I got a really ugly looking donut, but I knew the inside was delicious... I mean it was amazing, melt in your mouth, amazing!!

* the little girl was giggling throughout*

Mom: ... listen this is an important lesson! Do you remember on the parent trap? Meredith was really pretty on the outside, but she was so MEAN and HIDEOUS on the inside! This is an important life lesson! I hope you remember this when you are choosing a boy...
little girl: okay mommy.... *giggles some more*

the little girl was like 7... or 8... or 9 TOPS...
anyway... apparently the story of the ugly duckling... or these life lessons can be taught through a donut... you can never start to early i suppose...

on taking the leap

Lily: "You're like that goat with the washcloth. You want it so bad and every time the world tries to take it away from you, you keep grabbing it.
But... you know, it's just a washcloth. Why do you even want it?
Ted: because... I... I have to be an architect. That's... that's the plan.
Lily: screw the plan! I planned on being a famous artist, Marshall planned on being an environmental lawyer, Robyn planned on being a tv reporter-
Robyn: uh.. Hey i AM a tv reporter! i'm on every morning at 4am
Lily: is that still on? oh! Good for you!
Robyn: somebody watch it please.
Lily: Barney planned on being a violinist - don't tell me things!
You can't design your life like a building - it doesn't work that way. You just have to live it... and it'll design itself.
Ted: So i should just do nothing?
Lily: No... listen to what the world is telling you to do... and take the leap.

. how i met your mother. season 4 finale. the leap.

on settling

what happens when everything you hoped for, planned for in life leaves you high and dry, flat on your face?

You have a backup plan. Something you won't be dissatisfied with. enjoyable even. but this is the point you ask yourself - is that good enough? am i willing to settle?

overwhelmed - just breathe

on the lack of motivation

have you ever looked at a task so daunting that you don't know where to begin... and you just want to give up before you've even started?

i've recently been playing pokemon (yes i'm quite lame =P) on my way to work, because it passes the time and is relatively mindless. But as the end of the game approaches and I have to go face the elite four/defeat team galactica/capture the rare pokemon... i just suddenly got really unmotivated to finish the game. I haven't touched it for a week.

i'm not sure what sort of instinct i have in me that i just want to give up once the tasks get too big, or the chance of failure is really high. At work, i'm involved in numerous projects in which there's a lot to do... and i don't know where to start, so sometimes i sit there and twiddle my thumbs - not because i don't know how to do it... or don't have anything to do - the task is simply so large that i feel like i'm drowning before i begin.

It reminds me of this time my sister decided to come in and clean my room. She said 'the best strategy is to dump everything off your shelves onto the floor and start from scratch'. She proceeded to do this, and after she was done, i had a pile of junk up to my knees. We sorted through for awhile, and soon after we just called it a day, because after hours of sorting, we still had barely made a dent. Once we started doing one thing, we realized we needed to do something else in order to finish that first thing we started. It seemed like we started from the wrong place, and therefore leave a trail of unfinished tasks.

i'm not used to feeling overwhelmed. i like to believe i'm the type that rises to a challenge and, no matter what, finds a way to conquer it. but as i look on these little details in my life, i realize that i really am just a coward running away when things get too hard.

... and the ugly green-eyed monster rears it's head again. After being dormant for so long, it's hard to know what to do when he shows his face unexpectedly; me, unaware...

One Afternoon, I am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what I want for myself.
"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins"

age of marriage

so i have an exam in a few hours that i don't want to be studying for. I was really bored and decided to take the 'what age will you get married' quiz... this is my result

When will you get married

Created by pterodash

Your Result

At the age of 21.

.i am turning 23 in a few weeks. i am not married yet.

it's march.
where did the time go?

brand new day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97df0Q5qxa8

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend

And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

on msn conversations

i used to think i was awesome at msn conversations. There was something about being on msn (or any sort of online conversation medium) that made it easier for me to talk. I was able to verbalize myself well... and could stay up until 2am, 3 am , 4 am etc. just chatting. Something about msn was liberating. i could be myself with no regard and just talk for hours and hours... and it was fun. people would be like 'you're so different online than you are in person! you're a lot more outgoing, not as afraid to speak your mind'.

so i hung onto this belief that I was amazing at msn conversations. It wasn't until recently i learned that i've apparently come to suck at talking online.
I give one word answers. I ':p' ':)' ':(' 'aww....' 'yea...' all the time... and frequently the conversation always just end because... well because how do you respond to 'oh that's cool!' or 'aww... that sucks' or just ': )'

Upon talking to a friend about my seeming 'lack of interest' online, i realized that... what came so naturally before, the whole act of being myself and just speaking my mind and having good conversations has somehow slipped from my fingertips. May it be because my life has suddenly become a lot more boring... or i've drifted from my friends... or i just have lost the social skills, my msn skills just... well they stink. So my friend suggested a few rules to abide by when chatting online- so i'm not so frustrating to talk to online. Here they are:

1) an easy way to indicate interest in someone's answer is to ask a follow up question about something they said in their answer
2) general rule of thumb... the amount of text a person types to you should be roughly the same amount as what you reply with
3) when someone says A and B, respond to both A and B

When you don't have enough time to obey these rules in a conversation, it is better to not start the conversation at all (i.e. pretend you are not there when they message you) than to carry on in a half-hearted manner.

So, if i no longer answer your messages on msn, you know why.

.wise words.

-sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling. -

-So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. -

-The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.-


.Tuesdays with morrie.

On funny eating habits

So after two 'normal' days of eating 'breakfast' (if eating a slice of toast with peanut butter is considered breakfast!!) in my rush this morning I forgot to grab a slice.
Didn't really think it was a problem- I don't USUALLY eat breakfast... This is no different right? Wrong.

I got to work and about 10:30 rolled along and I was ready for lunch... I witheld my hunger until maybe 11:30 then just pulled out my sandwich for a quick bite. I ate the whole thing in like 5 minutes.

So I thought it wasn't too bad... It was noon-is anyway!!

Then around 3 my stomach started grumbling again... And by 3:30 I thought my stomach was going to eat itself so I bought a box of pad sew from Thai express and INHALED it

Now.. It's 7pm and apparently my stomach needs more food... So i eat some cereal... Talk about a backwards day.

on achieving big things

i was working at a pediatric clinic the other day and one family came in - a mother with two daughters - one who was about 1.5 years old, the other about 4.5. The older daughter desperately had to pee, but the mother, had her hands full with the younger daughter and couldn't take her.
so i volunteered to take her to the washroom which was just down the hall. The mother gratefully accepted and me and this 4 year old ventured into the tiny (no stall) bathroom.

the conversation went as follows:
little girl stands there a little awkward
me: i'm going to give you some privacy. I'll turn around and just let me know when you're done okay?
little girl looks at me funny, then laughs
little girl: i think it's okay for mommies and daddies and doctors to watch me when i pee
myself still not that comfortable, turns around and just let her do her thing

she thought i was a DOCTOR
at least this little girl believes i can achieve greatness. *sigh* i need to make a list

on chocolate cravings

so the past two weeks (and a bit) our house has been snack free.
i've eaten a steady 2 meals per day, colourful, and with all the food groups.
i've been drinking milk and taking vitamin supplements
i even went to the gym a couple times... okay so i went once, but still

esther and i have sworn off junk food from our apartment for the purpose of stopping ourselves from pigging out when we want to

but when you have a chocolate craving... like a real craving - you just can't resist

i'm allowed at least one indulgence per term. it's a rule

on being 'you'

i was bored at work and i was browsing through people's old blogs, and i came across 'special k' . one of her friends posted a comment that i just absolutely love.

"You know, you've had 20 years, of 24/7 experience being yourself. That's over 174720 hrs of experience at something, and so that makes you an expert on you. And so, that is why you are great and should be yourself, because you've perfected the art of being [you]. So be happy, that's a great accomplishment."

i love that.

on cooking

being away from home makes me really sad that i can't cook very well. It's led to lots of experiments with cooking, and trying to replicate some of the stuff i remember eating at home.

i LOVE leen goh (or 'shanghai nian gao') and WHENEVER we go out to a shanghai place, i ALWAYS order it, because i know that i can't make it. BUT! today, i made an attempt. And everything seemed to go wrong - i soaked the stuff for like 2 days and it STILL didn't get soft, i added too much pepper, after mixing everything together, it didn't have enough sauce... just all these things and i was so disappointed.

But after waiting a few minutes with the lid on, and letting the steam work... it WORKED! somehow the sauce thickened, i had added sugar to balance out the pepper, the steam softened the rice cake... and voila! it worked!!!

and somehow it just tastes so good - because i made it myself =)

on coming to terms with the past

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day
A new day

I was sleeping in a twisted dream
Dying just to make believe
A pretty situation was far from where I was

But I’m not up for giving up
Lying down and out of luck
My mistakes are in the open and know I’m finally coming clean

.A New Day - Tamar.
(http://myspace.com/tamarmusic)
- jasy posted her singing 'apologize' and recently discovered 'a new day' which is currently on repeat on my ipod-

sometimes it's easy to 'forget' the path and the mistakes that have lead me to where i am at this moment. It's really easy to 'make believe' a pretty situation to make me feel better about myself. I've screwed up so many times, and i think as a way of protecting myself, i paint a pretty picture to tell myself that i'm not all bad. That there were outside forces 'pushing' me to do things, and therefore that's why i made mistakes - not because *I* did anything wrong. Don't put the blame on me.

but then the harsh reality, that regardless of whether outside forces denoted my actions, or whether it was purely me - they were still my mistakes - no justifications. It makes me confused as to how many of my memories of my past are tainted with 'prideful' innuendos - ones that make me seem more innocent than i was in certain incidences, or other ones that shelter me from past hurts.

i'm finally coming clean. Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before.

I refuse to give my future to my past.

one step at a time

Call it guilty pleasure, but enjoying my Jordin Sparks :)

It's been a theme for awhile now - sometimes i just want opportunities to leap out at me - in an instant i'll get what i want.

But i'm constantly being reminded that maybe taking things slowly allows me to understand why things are happening - and appreciate it that much more.


"One Step At A Time"
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take

[Chorus:]
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

indulgence

don't judge me -

a girl is allowed to indulge once in awhile right?? :)

things i learned while trying to get my G

- patience
- take your time
- failure is just an opportunity to try again, and next time, own it
- people in red cars really are more aggressive
- look both ways (always)
- just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there
- when you argue for your weakness, the weakness is yours
- always try and think about things from another person's perspective

FINALLY G'd =)

.failure.

as everyone re-enters the blogging bandwagon... the emergence of so many people's thoughts on the internet have spurred me to start thinking about my own things. Start thinking about things that i refused to think about during exams because, well it was exams. Things i stopped myself from pondering post-exams because well- that was my summer! But now, with no excuses, I am re-entering the closet of thoughts and sorting through to try and remember the things that were so pertinent in my mind when i was trying to cram biology into my head.

so amidst all the hustle and bustle of living in toronto... it's given me adequate time to simply just... think.

I've been reading a lot of people's blogs on new beginnings, and 'fresh starts' for summer.
Unlike most people (or so it seems) this first week has been a challenging one.

Failure is not something I (or anyone else i'm sure) take a liking to. It's hard enough admitting to yourself that you're not good enough for something... but to have someone else tell you that... whether it's through a really bad final, or just through straight plan out words... it hurts.

It's one thing to not prepare for something and not do well, but after sinking hours of time into prepping, and just... not making the bar... it just pulled me back into a deep feeling of inadequacy.

But, today, when i opened the 'care package' my parents prepared for me... i pulled out a 'special' item.

very simple - a water bottle with Jeremiah 29:11 written on it - "For I know the Plans i have for you, declares the Lord"

it was a simple reminder. This whole week, i had an agenda. my whole life i have an agenda. And i wanted life to unfold in the way that i had planned. I would love to say that i'm not the type to mope and can see the bigger picture after failure... but i'm not. But this reminder... that there's a bigger picture... and that maybe failure is a part of it... is holding me together.

just re-learning to trust

sometimes there's something that you know is true... but just.... don't really want to believe.... but then once you actually hear it from someone, there's no hiding from it anymore.

and then there's that gut-wrenching pain where the reality of the situation hits you like a wave, and leaves you flat on your back and completely breathless. You're lying there wondering why, this has to be true.

It's like waking up from a dream relieved and thinking, it's only a dream, only to come to the realization it's not, and all you want to do is go back to sleep and pretend that reality doesn't exist anymore.

but the thing is, it does.
and all you can do is rub your eyes, and stretch.
then smile.

my wish for you

as grad dinner came to a close, i don't think it really hit me that some of these people are leaving.
i think my initial hope for the night was just that these people, these people who mean so much to me will feel appreciated - just as they should be. Not necessarily because they've made huge world changes... but because of the things they've done to slowly help shape MY life, and how they've encouraged me to grow and become who i am throughout the past 4 years i've been here.

there's a lot that i could say... after listening to countless grad interviews, pouring over the many pictures and endless memories.... but i will leave the grads with this song... and it truly is, my wish for you. (i know i've coped out the past couple blogs and just posted song lyrics... but... sometimes a song just says it so much better)

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.