values

work is just full of inspiration lately.

Another exercise at this crisis workshop was to think about "5 values/beliefs you live by", followed by "values you never want to be demonstrating"

I found it so difficult to list on a piece of paper 5 values that I can say that I base all of my decisions, and live my life by. There were words that of course I want to use to describe my life; Things like "honesty, love, patients, integrity" would be great adjectives. Where I really struggled was are these words really words that people would say that I live my life by?

Lately, I don't really think so. 

I found it so much easier listing the things in the second category, I had all these great ideas of what I would never be - I would never be rude, or condescending, or too proud... never say never 

The line between what I live by, and what i don't want to live by slowly are starting to blur together and it just makes me so sad. Once again, I find myself wondering, Where am I going? What am I doing? What does this all mean? 

The Problem Tree

The carpenter finished another day’s work. As it was the weekend, he decided to invite a friend to come back home with him for a drink.
 
When he got to his house and before they went in, the carpenter stood for a few moments in silence before a tree growing in his garden. Then he touched its branches with both hands.
 
The expression on his face changed completely. He went into the house, smiling; he was greeted by his wife and children; he told them stories; and then he went out onto the verandah with his friend for a drink.
 
They could see the tree from there. Curiosity got the better of his friend and he asked the carpenter to explain his earlier behaviour.
 
‘Oh, that’s my problem tree,’ said the carpenter. ‘I know that I’m bound to have problems at work, but those problems are mine, not my wife’s or my children’s. So, when I get home, I hang all my problems on that tree. The next day, before leaving for work, I pick them up again. The oddest thing is, though, that when I come out in the morning to get them, some of them have gone, while others seem much heavier than they were the previous night.

Recently at work we had a workshop to teach us about crisis management. To be honest, I've been to enough of these things that I just rolled my eyes and prepared myself for a long morning. A simple exercise the facilitator had us do was to "check-in". I've heard this concept many times before, it's essentially to acknowledge the personal stuff that's been going on in your life, and set it aside so that you can start the work day fresh. So I proceeded to obligingly "check-in with my co-worker about. As we sat there chatting, the idea stopped me in my tracks and really hit me.

Lately I've been carrying around a lot of baggage. A lot of icky feelings; of sadness, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and feeling all around lost. 
In many ways this "stuff" has been on my mind at work and at home. Because I don't know how to deal with it, I've pushed it further back into my subconscious so I don't have to figure out what to do with these thoughts.

In general, I'm pretty good at keeping my private self to myself - there's a level of me that I openly share with others, and another layer of me that remains hidden. But during that 5-minute check-in, I started to realize that perhaps this private, angry self I've been suppressing has been fighting it's way to the surface, and that many interactions I've been having with my friends, my co-workers, my family has been tainted by these feelings because they've been bubbling to the top. I'm starting to see that things that normally get me angry, are suddenly infuriating and intolerable. And the more I experience events that make me angry, the more anger I feel, and the more things I try to suppress. 

The story above is actually something I read a long time ago, and when I first read it, I was like "that's such a cool idea". But since then, I've started to work full time (2 years!) and realize it is almost impossible to divorce work and personal life completely. However, the more I thought about it, the more I understand what the writer was trying to convey. He wasn't merely just hanging out outside so his family didn't have to listen to it. He acknowledged they were problems, acknowledged they were things that bothered him, then chose to leave it overnight and come back to them - after a good nights rest and some perspective.