Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me, Why are you still so afraid?
i told myself to walk home today instead of taking the bus (though taking the bus takes... 2 minutes... walking only takes... 7 =P). But as i was walking home, i couldn't bring myself to take nice slow steps and appreciate and soak in the sun.
i've been is such a hurry and so busy the past few weeks, reminding myself of next steps, that i've forgotten how to slow down and enjoy.
even as i was spending time reflecting on the past few days, i had my reflecting was interrupted by thoughts of what to do next, and when i get home i should grab the garbage cans as i go in so i can save time. all my time and thoughts are devoted to efficiency and what's the fastest way to do everything. Everything is dictated by some sort of timeline, some sort of 'to do list'. Though i agree this can be beneficial, i think these things cause me to deprive myself of simple joys. Even in that simple thought of bringing in the garbage as i go in, i deprive myself of the extra sunshine i get when i go out for a second time to grab them. I increase my screen time and 'busy work' time that i don't allow myself to breathe.
i realize for me, keeping busy, running away -those are all mechanisms that help me to cope. 'why are you still so afraid'. i think i'm afraid of the thoughts and the feelings that would come if i just stopped to think about them. busy-ness is a cover, it's a handle to hold on to, it's a safety blanket. as long as i have inertia i can keep moving. but the minute i stop... the minute i really think and really let myself feel... then i'm afraid i won't be able to get myself going again.
but i will draw wisdom from my good friend Morrie.
“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being attached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."
i've used this quote so often, but it still reminds me that... it's okay to feel broken. it's okay to feel pain. it's okay to cry. it's okay to reflect and think about what you think about things. it's okay to despise change. but it's when you FULLY feel these emotions, and let these things pass through you, can you say that you have experienced it, and can let go and detach from it. in slowing down and facing the stuff you dread most... that's when you can really overcome it. the more you hide from it, the more you run... the more these things will have a power over you.
Slow down, you crazy child, and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile,
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
