so small

jasy introduced to me this song awhile back... and i just can't stop listening to it


What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

standing

i still remember the feeling when i first started skating again after not skating for so long. I remember i kept telling myself that it was easy, that I used to be able to do this. But as i put my foot on the ice, my ankle started wobbling and i quickly withdrew my foot so i could tie my skate tighter, or i could grab an extra pair of gloves, any silly excuse to prevent me from falling flat on my face, and embarassing myself, because i told people that i already knew how to skate.

but eventually, i had to try again, and after enough tightenings and grabbing missed pieces of equipment i just had to do it. I had to walk on to that ice and -- fall.

Getting back up on the ice when you're just not sure on your feet, it's hard. I felt like staying down... and i really believed that if people came to my aid and held my hands and pulled me up would help keep me standing. Using my hockey stick as a crutch, it was easy to just rely on it when i skated. My third leg to keep me standing.

But then I fall again. Even with all the support. Even with all my crutches, i just fall. And it's so discouraging because I thought that these things, these people are supposed to keep me up, keep me standing.

I think i do that a lot with my life. There's so many people and so many things that i hold onto, and i use as a crutch because i don't trust my own ankles to hold me up. I'm afraid to fall on my own, for fear of not being able to get up by myself . Because i'm constantly leaning on other people, i am beginning to forget what it's like to stand on my own two feet. It's not that other people aren't great. That things aren't great. They are. But maybe they're not so great if i feel like i'm crippled without them.

i don't remember how long it took me, but i do remember going to a freeskate, with no one i knew around me and just getting onto the ice and just going. I did fall. But i got back up. No hockey stick, no people to help me. And i remember thinking "hey, this isn't so hard. Maybe i can do this on my own". Since then every fall is less of a disappointment. Every time i get on the ice i have more confidence.

I want to be able to look at myself and say the same thing. "...hey, life isn't so hard. maybe i have what it takes to keep standing..."

i hate the sinking feeling i get when i am reminded that i am not good enough, not worthy of something, may it be a job, a relationship, a course, anything.

i hate the feeling because it's this idea that i feel that i am defeated, that i am starting to believe that who i am is not good enough to be something. And that my self worth is dependent on what another person thinks. That in order to get what i want, i need to be something different than who i am.

the sinking feeling always settles in and i wallow in my own self pity because i think that's the only thing i can do as such a defeated creature.

but lately... though these sinking feelings still settle in, within a few minutes they disappear, because somehow, even though the pressure is still there, i can slowly begin to find self assurance that hey, who i am is not perfect, but i'm working to change it. If my friends, or an employer or professor cannot recognize my slow climb to improve... then i can't do anything more about it. I am trying to change. If they choose not to see that, and if who i am is not good enough, then... i cannot convince them otherwise. the only thing i CAN do is believe that who i am is okay. That where i'm headed is the right direction for ME.

"God made me and God doesn't make mistakes"