on msn conversations

i used to think i was awesome at msn conversations. There was something about being on msn (or any sort of online conversation medium) that made it easier for me to talk. I was able to verbalize myself well... and could stay up until 2am, 3 am , 4 am etc. just chatting. Something about msn was liberating. i could be myself with no regard and just talk for hours and hours... and it was fun. people would be like 'you're so different online than you are in person! you're a lot more outgoing, not as afraid to speak your mind'.

so i hung onto this belief that I was amazing at msn conversations. It wasn't until recently i learned that i've apparently come to suck at talking online.
I give one word answers. I ':p' ':)' ':(' 'aww....' 'yea...' all the time... and frequently the conversation always just end because... well because how do you respond to 'oh that's cool!' or 'aww... that sucks' or just ': )'

Upon talking to a friend about my seeming 'lack of interest' online, i realized that... what came so naturally before, the whole act of being myself and just speaking my mind and having good conversations has somehow slipped from my fingertips. May it be because my life has suddenly become a lot more boring... or i've drifted from my friends... or i just have lost the social skills, my msn skills just... well they stink. So my friend suggested a few rules to abide by when chatting online- so i'm not so frustrating to talk to online. Here they are:

1) an easy way to indicate interest in someone's answer is to ask a follow up question about something they said in their answer
2) general rule of thumb... the amount of text a person types to you should be roughly the same amount as what you reply with
3) when someone says A and B, respond to both A and B

When you don't have enough time to obey these rules in a conversation, it is better to not start the conversation at all (i.e. pretend you are not there when they message you) than to carry on in a half-hearted manner.

So, if i no longer answer your messages on msn, you know why.

.wise words.

-sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling. -

-So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. -

-The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.-


.Tuesdays with morrie.

On funny eating habits

So after two 'normal' days of eating 'breakfast' (if eating a slice of toast with peanut butter is considered breakfast!!) in my rush this morning I forgot to grab a slice.
Didn't really think it was a problem- I don't USUALLY eat breakfast... This is no different right? Wrong.

I got to work and about 10:30 rolled along and I was ready for lunch... I witheld my hunger until maybe 11:30 then just pulled out my sandwich for a quick bite. I ate the whole thing in like 5 minutes.

So I thought it wasn't too bad... It was noon-is anyway!!

Then around 3 my stomach started grumbling again... And by 3:30 I thought my stomach was going to eat itself so I bought a box of pad sew from Thai express and INHALED it

Now.. It's 7pm and apparently my stomach needs more food... So i eat some cereal... Talk about a backwards day.

on achieving big things

i was working at a pediatric clinic the other day and one family came in - a mother with two daughters - one who was about 1.5 years old, the other about 4.5. The older daughter desperately had to pee, but the mother, had her hands full with the younger daughter and couldn't take her.
so i volunteered to take her to the washroom which was just down the hall. The mother gratefully accepted and me and this 4 year old ventured into the tiny (no stall) bathroom.

the conversation went as follows:
little girl stands there a little awkward
me: i'm going to give you some privacy. I'll turn around and just let me know when you're done okay?
little girl looks at me funny, then laughs
little girl: i think it's okay for mommies and daddies and doctors to watch me when i pee
myself still not that comfortable, turns around and just let her do her thing

she thought i was a DOCTOR
at least this little girl believes i can achieve greatness. *sigh* i need to make a list

on chocolate cravings

so the past two weeks (and a bit) our house has been snack free.
i've eaten a steady 2 meals per day, colourful, and with all the food groups.
i've been drinking milk and taking vitamin supplements
i even went to the gym a couple times... okay so i went once, but still

esther and i have sworn off junk food from our apartment for the purpose of stopping ourselves from pigging out when we want to

but when you have a chocolate craving... like a real craving - you just can't resist

i'm allowed at least one indulgence per term. it's a rule

on being 'you'

i was bored at work and i was browsing through people's old blogs, and i came across 'special k' . one of her friends posted a comment that i just absolutely love.

"You know, you've had 20 years, of 24/7 experience being yourself. That's over 174720 hrs of experience at something, and so that makes you an expert on you. And so, that is why you are great and should be yourself, because you've perfected the art of being [you]. So be happy, that's a great accomplishment."

i love that.

on cooking

being away from home makes me really sad that i can't cook very well. It's led to lots of experiments with cooking, and trying to replicate some of the stuff i remember eating at home.

i LOVE leen goh (or 'shanghai nian gao') and WHENEVER we go out to a shanghai place, i ALWAYS order it, because i know that i can't make it. BUT! today, i made an attempt. And everything seemed to go wrong - i soaked the stuff for like 2 days and it STILL didn't get soft, i added too much pepper, after mixing everything together, it didn't have enough sauce... just all these things and i was so disappointed.

But after waiting a few minutes with the lid on, and letting the steam work... it WORKED! somehow the sauce thickened, i had added sugar to balance out the pepper, the steam softened the rice cake... and voila! it worked!!!

and somehow it just tastes so good - because i made it myself =)

on coming to terms with the past

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day
A new day

I was sleeping in a twisted dream
Dying just to make believe
A pretty situation was far from where I was

But I’m not up for giving up
Lying down and out of luck
My mistakes are in the open and know I’m finally coming clean

.A New Day - Tamar.
(http://myspace.com/tamarmusic)
- jasy posted her singing 'apologize' and recently discovered 'a new day' which is currently on repeat on my ipod-

sometimes it's easy to 'forget' the path and the mistakes that have lead me to where i am at this moment. It's really easy to 'make believe' a pretty situation to make me feel better about myself. I've screwed up so many times, and i think as a way of protecting myself, i paint a pretty picture to tell myself that i'm not all bad. That there were outside forces 'pushing' me to do things, and therefore that's why i made mistakes - not because *I* did anything wrong. Don't put the blame on me.

but then the harsh reality, that regardless of whether outside forces denoted my actions, or whether it was purely me - they were still my mistakes - no justifications. It makes me confused as to how many of my memories of my past are tainted with 'prideful' innuendos - ones that make me seem more innocent than i was in certain incidences, or other ones that shelter me from past hurts.

i'm finally coming clean. Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before.

I refuse to give my future to my past.

one step at a time

Call it guilty pleasure, but enjoying my Jordin Sparks :)

It's been a theme for awhile now - sometimes i just want opportunities to leap out at me - in an instant i'll get what i want.

But i'm constantly being reminded that maybe taking things slowly allows me to understand why things are happening - and appreciate it that much more.


"One Step At A Time"
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take

[Chorus:]
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

indulgence

don't judge me -

a girl is allowed to indulge once in awhile right?? :)

things i learned while trying to get my G

- patience
- take your time
- failure is just an opportunity to try again, and next time, own it
- people in red cars really are more aggressive
- look both ways (always)
- just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there
- when you argue for your weakness, the weakness is yours
- always try and think about things from another person's perspective

FINALLY G'd =)

.failure.

as everyone re-enters the blogging bandwagon... the emergence of so many people's thoughts on the internet have spurred me to start thinking about my own things. Start thinking about things that i refused to think about during exams because, well it was exams. Things i stopped myself from pondering post-exams because well- that was my summer! But now, with no excuses, I am re-entering the closet of thoughts and sorting through to try and remember the things that were so pertinent in my mind when i was trying to cram biology into my head.

so amidst all the hustle and bustle of living in toronto... it's given me adequate time to simply just... think.

I've been reading a lot of people's blogs on new beginnings, and 'fresh starts' for summer.
Unlike most people (or so it seems) this first week has been a challenging one.

Failure is not something I (or anyone else i'm sure) take a liking to. It's hard enough admitting to yourself that you're not good enough for something... but to have someone else tell you that... whether it's through a really bad final, or just through straight plan out words... it hurts.

It's one thing to not prepare for something and not do well, but after sinking hours of time into prepping, and just... not making the bar... it just pulled me back into a deep feeling of inadequacy.

But, today, when i opened the 'care package' my parents prepared for me... i pulled out a 'special' item.

very simple - a water bottle with Jeremiah 29:11 written on it - "For I know the Plans i have for you, declares the Lord"

it was a simple reminder. This whole week, i had an agenda. my whole life i have an agenda. And i wanted life to unfold in the way that i had planned. I would love to say that i'm not the type to mope and can see the bigger picture after failure... but i'm not. But this reminder... that there's a bigger picture... and that maybe failure is a part of it... is holding me together.

just re-learning to trust

sometimes there's something that you know is true... but just.... don't really want to believe.... but then once you actually hear it from someone, there's no hiding from it anymore.

and then there's that gut-wrenching pain where the reality of the situation hits you like a wave, and leaves you flat on your back and completely breathless. You're lying there wondering why, this has to be true.

It's like waking up from a dream relieved and thinking, it's only a dream, only to come to the realization it's not, and all you want to do is go back to sleep and pretend that reality doesn't exist anymore.

but the thing is, it does.
and all you can do is rub your eyes, and stretch.
then smile.

my wish for you

as grad dinner came to a close, i don't think it really hit me that some of these people are leaving.
i think my initial hope for the night was just that these people, these people who mean so much to me will feel appreciated - just as they should be. Not necessarily because they've made huge world changes... but because of the things they've done to slowly help shape MY life, and how they've encouraged me to grow and become who i am throughout the past 4 years i've been here.

there's a lot that i could say... after listening to countless grad interviews, pouring over the many pictures and endless memories.... but i will leave the grads with this song... and it truly is, my wish for you. (i know i've coped out the past couple blogs and just posted song lyrics... but... sometimes a song just says it so much better)

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

so small

jasy introduced to me this song awhile back... and i just can't stop listening to it


What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

standing

i still remember the feeling when i first started skating again after not skating for so long. I remember i kept telling myself that it was easy, that I used to be able to do this. But as i put my foot on the ice, my ankle started wobbling and i quickly withdrew my foot so i could tie my skate tighter, or i could grab an extra pair of gloves, any silly excuse to prevent me from falling flat on my face, and embarassing myself, because i told people that i already knew how to skate.

but eventually, i had to try again, and after enough tightenings and grabbing missed pieces of equipment i just had to do it. I had to walk on to that ice and -- fall.

Getting back up on the ice when you're just not sure on your feet, it's hard. I felt like staying down... and i really believed that if people came to my aid and held my hands and pulled me up would help keep me standing. Using my hockey stick as a crutch, it was easy to just rely on it when i skated. My third leg to keep me standing.

But then I fall again. Even with all the support. Even with all my crutches, i just fall. And it's so discouraging because I thought that these things, these people are supposed to keep me up, keep me standing.

I think i do that a lot with my life. There's so many people and so many things that i hold onto, and i use as a crutch because i don't trust my own ankles to hold me up. I'm afraid to fall on my own, for fear of not being able to get up by myself . Because i'm constantly leaning on other people, i am beginning to forget what it's like to stand on my own two feet. It's not that other people aren't great. That things aren't great. They are. But maybe they're not so great if i feel like i'm crippled without them.

i don't remember how long it took me, but i do remember going to a freeskate, with no one i knew around me and just getting onto the ice and just going. I did fall. But i got back up. No hockey stick, no people to help me. And i remember thinking "hey, this isn't so hard. Maybe i can do this on my own". Since then every fall is less of a disappointment. Every time i get on the ice i have more confidence.

I want to be able to look at myself and say the same thing. "...hey, life isn't so hard. maybe i have what it takes to keep standing..."

i hate the sinking feeling i get when i am reminded that i am not good enough, not worthy of something, may it be a job, a relationship, a course, anything.

i hate the feeling because it's this idea that i feel that i am defeated, that i am starting to believe that who i am is not good enough to be something. And that my self worth is dependent on what another person thinks. That in order to get what i want, i need to be something different than who i am.

the sinking feeling always settles in and i wallow in my own self pity because i think that's the only thing i can do as such a defeated creature.

but lately... though these sinking feelings still settle in, within a few minutes they disappear, because somehow, even though the pressure is still there, i can slowly begin to find self assurance that hey, who i am is not perfect, but i'm working to change it. If my friends, or an employer or professor cannot recognize my slow climb to improve... then i can't do anything more about it. I am trying to change. If they choose not to see that, and if who i am is not good enough, then... i cannot convince them otherwise. the only thing i CAN do is believe that who i am is okay. That where i'm headed is the right direction for ME.

"God made me and God doesn't make mistakes"

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, "daughter" and "son"
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

... break out the cheese...

i'm sitting at an almost empty SLC 3rd floor study room... feeling slightly unhappy.

too many things to think about...

but i proceed to open my lunch, and i remember that my dad gave me grapes. i have a few... they're not that great. Open my bagel with ham... and several slices of Brie Cheese.

I then get the best idea ever. If cheese and wine tastes so good....


Grapes + cheese = fusion of flavour. I now understand how remy must've felt when he mixed flavours with all the swirly lines and stuff.



When life gives you sour grapes... break out the cheese.
Maybe it's not about what you're given... but what you choose to do with it.

Friends

so as people are declaring they are going to give up MSN/Gchat/Facebook for lent.. i'm thinking about the thing that sucks up the most of my time... and i've discovered what it is.

Friends.

no, not real life friends. I'm talking about Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Rachel and Ross. These 6 have occupied my time and attention a little bit every day, and i feel, that it's adding up. They are too demanding. And i can't stop myself. I think I'm addicted.

for those who know me, they know i am obsessed with this show... and even for those that know me, you may not know that i watch this show every day. On my computer. and it plays on the background as i go to sleep.

so, i've officially decided to give up Friends for lent

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

....

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

(taken from All i Need is You - Hillsongs United and You found me - Kelly Clarkson)

2 starbucks coffees + 2 best friends = 4 hours of chatting



sometimes, all you need is starbucks and a good friend to make everything else (including time -_-) disappear