on defying gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

i think i've become a gleek.... =p

on counting my blessings

i get caught up in my misfortunes sometimes i forget (once again) how much i am blessed with.

it happens quite often (see bad luck spells). i forget that among the bad things, there always good things.

i think i've spent a lot of the finals time whining and being sad and depressed that things are different. that i am alone. that i'm stuck inside.

but i forget things like:

a) other people are studying too

b) well the fact that i AM inside, and NOT outside in the freezing cold

c) i am studying so that i can be a GOOD nurse and take care of people to the best of my ability - and not cramming information into my head that i will forget the next day

d) i have TIME to study. none of this cramming business

e) sure, i haven't been home in almost a month, but some of my friends haven't been home in much longer than that

f) i have awesome friends who play online scrabble with me, come out to hamilton just to have ayce sushi and cheer me up, chat with me, webcam with me, take me to midnight madness at ikea :)

g) i have wonderful housemates that go to ikea spontaneously with me, cook for me, chat with me

h) i currently am in the constant presence of a fish that's super active and likes to push pebbles around it's bowl to remind me that he's still here, cheering me on

i) my parents came to visit me just last week with tons of good study food

j) CHRISTMAS is around the corner, and i have 2 weeks off

the list could go on. i just keep forgetting. and i shouldn't, because i really am blessed. and really lucky. and i SHOULD be... and am, very, truly thankful.

"Just a little while longer I wanna pray

Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord, just for loving me
Many times I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me
...
I wanna say thank you"

~Thank you- the Katinas~

on study breaks

i hit the 75 hour mark of being in my house. and i decided it was enough.i spent 3 days+ hiding in my house studying, and it's been quite bizarre. I never studied this much or this hardcore when i was in waterloo.

i had my fits of temper tantrums and curling up into a ball depressed from studying... so finally, under the orders of one of my housemates, i made it my 'mission' today to visit the second cup in the westdale village (maybe a 5 minute walk away from my house) to get a candy cane hot chocolate.

I had my reservations about this considering i was trying to finish goal #100 on my list (don't spend money for a week) and i hadn't 'really' spent money since... well since last saturday (i 'bought' another macid on monday...), and so i thought, i can last a few more days without spending money. But approaching my 75th hour in my hermit state, i needed to do something for me - to save my sanity. So i bundled up and trekked over to the second cup and - voila! happiness in a cup.

i brought it back, and curled up in a chair (determined not to think about exams for 1/2 an hour) drank my hot chocolate, read a good book and hung out with my new friend 'fitzy'.

the break ended with my taking a 10 minute nap in the glow of my bedroom lamp and the warmth of hot chocolate in my tummy. best $3.50 i've ever spent. <3

on blogging and social determinants of health

so i'm sure people are shocked to see my posting more than once every month. awhile ago, i had started a 101 list of things i wanted to accomplish, and i remembered that one of my items was to blog three times a week (at least) for a month, so this has been my attempt.

the purpose behind this was that i don't tend to be a very open person. there are things i place out there voluntarily, and typically they're easy, shallow thoughts, but the stuff i think about deeply, the things i learn, the things that trouble me... most of those things stew in my mind, or if you're 'lucky' enough, i will boil over during a phone or gtalk conversation.

this is where blogging was supposed to come in. to 'force' me at least three times in a week to translate my thoughts into coherent sentences.

i shared with a friend earlier this term that i realize there are a lot of thoughts and "aha!" moments in my head... but when it comes to telling people them, they fall short of the 'glory' it manifested in my head. my thoughts are much more eloquent than my words are.

but as i'm spending a lot of my time studying and regurgitating information, i'm not having very many thoughts. so this week is kind of a crummy week to be blogging my thoughts. because what will result are things like this:

i was studying for my health, science and society course and was reading that social determinants are often much more impactful on health than individual behaviours. the textbook displayed two lists of '10 tips' for better health. the first is something you would see a bit more normally, and as mentioned above, individual changes can make some sort of impact on health, though maybe not as impacting as we believe. the second list... well it's interesting. i hope i am never expected to give these tips as a nurse.

the 'traditional' list:

1. don't smoke. if you can, stop, if you can't cut down.
2. follow a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables.
3. keep physically active.
4. manage stress by, for example, talking things through and making time to relax.
5. if you drink alcohol, do so in moderation
6. cover up in the sun, and protect children from sunburn
7. practice safer sex
8. take up cancer screening opportunities
9. be safe on the roads: follow the Highway Code
10. learn the First Aid ABCs: airways, breathing, circulation.

the 'social determinants' list:

1. don't be poor. If you can, stop. If you can't, try not to be poor for long.
2. don't have poor parents
3. own a car.
4. don't work in a stressful, low paid manual job
5. don't live in damp, low quality housing
6. be able to afford to go on a foreign holiday and sunbathe
7. practice not losing your job and don't become unemployed
8. take up all benefits you are entitled to, if you are unemployed, retired or sick or disabled
9. don't live next to a busy major road or near a polluting factory
10. learn how to fill the complex housing benefit/asylum application forms before you become homeless and destitute

anyway, back to the books.

on 'undo'-ing

i think i've been spending too much time writing papers.

i was re-arranging some notes in my binder, and because i'm 'oh-so-smart', i tried to 'move the pages' thinking the rings were closed and they weren't. so all the pages came off the rings :(

the funny thing here was the first things that flashed through my mind was 'CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z!', which for those of you who don't know - it's the 'undo key' in word. -.-

oh the sad life i lead.

though sometimes, it'd be nice to have an undo key in life.

on losing things

i lost my wallet yesterday.

not sure how it happened but it did. and it was pretty.... upsetting, frustrating.

i think i'm the type of person that is relatively scatter-brained. i 'lose' things easily. my phone, my camera, my id, my keys. i will rummage through all my stuff and freak out because i can't find my stuff, and then 5 minutes later pull it from my purse.

but actually losing something, it was a really sad feeling, disappointing. i kept hoping that the more i looked i would just 'find' it in my purse. or my friends purse. or the restaurant, or the hall, or the police station.

it was weird too in the sense the first thing i thought about was all the money i had in there - everything i would have to 'spend' to replace it all. but upon talking to my father, he reminded me that that's all replaceable. there's precautions that must be taken (i.e. associated with identity theft and all that fun stuff)... but in the end, everything can be replaced. money can be re-earned. my driver's license, health card, credit cards, debit cards can all be replaced. even the picture i had in my wallet can be replaced.

sometimes, i wonder if i'm just really naive. i still hold out hope that someone out there will be kind enough to return my wallet. even if i know that this chance is small, there's still a glimmer left that i'll be the lucky one. even though i already KNOW that i need to move on, and find a new wallet, and fill it up with new things, there's a part of me that isn't letting go of my old one. even though i know i can't dwell in the past, sometimes, it's just easier to, then to take steps to move forward.

i guess i just don't take losing things well.