Progress

I've been working as a nurse for about 2.5 months now. It's hard to believe how fast time has flown. On the contrary with all the little things I've been learning everyday I wonder if I will ever excel at my job.
But today was a proud moment for me. I've definitely had days in the past 2.5 months where I've felt inferior and sometimes downright stupid. But today, I took initiative, I worked on my own, I advocated for my patients, I planned, I consulted. Annnnd I ran my first flu clinic... Which doubled in numbers compared to last years flu clinic!
To say I was estatic is an understatement. I'm sure I will continue to have those bad days. But it's these good days that reminds me it's okay to make mistakes and not be super awesome at all times. Sometimes it takes a little bit of work and effort and time, but it does pay off in the end.

i often wonder if i'm going to make it through. i wonder if i'm strong enough, ponder if all i am is a creation of my own consequences. Whether through all the mistakes i've dug myself into a hole i cannot crawl out of.

but i am determined to show that what you've sunk your love and care into was not in vain. that i can do it. i can face my demons and discover that - hey, yes i messed up. and yes i'm damaged. but that's okay, i don't need to punish myself anymore for it.

i can wake up and be free of this pain that others have caused me, and finally... finally rise above it all.

letting go doesn't mean forgetting. it means looking at these things that have had a grip on me and saying - "you don't have a hold anymore. i am free." It doesn't mean things don't still hurt, but that they don't hurt me enough to cripple me. it means me taking my life back and looking forward to the next day, not living in constant fear of what tomorrow brings.

now it's time to go, curtains finally closing. that was quite a show, very entertaining. but it's over now. go on, take a bow.

Sometimes, I think I do things that don't make any sense to prove something I don't need to prove. does that make me brave? Or stupid?

From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

- future ted from himym season 4 ep.6

patience

not my strong suit.

but i know that there is a purpose and something to take out of all this waiting.

harry potter 7.2! :) yes. I am wearing a cape cuz i'm cool like that

Photo taken from Amanda's iPhone

lunchbreak lounging in the back of a car

lobster-wrangler. the lobster was much heavier than i thought it'd be.

i miss HK

dinner date with crepes, robots saving the world and 3D glasses

blast from the past

was searching through my phone and found this old picture. Jo and I decided because it was Tuesday, we'd get cupcakes. being indecisive about the kind we wanted, we split half and half. Peanutbutter-chocolate mint (i think) cupcakes for the win! 

photo taken July 7 - pro-movers at work 

mani/pedis

"these flies are so stupid!"

Heidi: 2, Flies, 0

what i saw today

no picture today. i figure i should eventually explain why i've started posting random pictures in my blog. it seems a bit tedious and difficult (especially since i use blogger... if this were tumblr, or some other medium it may be easier =P) but i've been randomly following this blog for some time: 

http://www.thingsisawtoday.com/index.php

as one of my 101 goals, i had wanted to write 1001 blessings -one for each day i was attempting my list. however shortly after i started, i started skipping days, skipping weeks - remembering only every so often to write something down. forcing myself to stop and take a picture of what's going on around me, even if it's just a small glimpse reminds me of the wonders in my own world. 

by no stretch of the imagination am i a good photographer. i don't have a great camera, or great photo editting capabilities or even a photographic 'eye'. But day by day sifting through those photos i was inspired to think about how each day has something new and different that maybe someone on the otherside of the world may never have seen. Something plain and simple to my eye may be spectacular and beautiful in someone else's. 

parallel parked at 8am :)

princess cafe

princess cafe is the place to be for delicious soup+sandwiches, fulfilling conversations, beautiful friendships and red velvet cupcakes :)

long weekend & unfinished business

This weekend was a simple one.

It's been a long time since I've spent any stretch of time at home. From co-ops to school, to wedding planning. The past two years, every time I've been at home were spent running around helping out around the house, helping Heidi with her wedding details, helping cook, driving around and entertaining my 'niece', doing errands, studying, applying for jobs.

This weekend I chose not to do much of that and just spent a lot of time in my room, cleaning, throwing out things, folding things. When I wasn't doing that, I spent hours on hours playing settlers or spending time with family.

random fact #3 (i think...): If you know me well, I'm on an endless quest to clean my room. If I finally organize one section, another one needs to be cleaned out. I donate a bunch of clothes, and by the time they collect, I have a new pile started of what to donate next time. I'm constantly unsatisfied with the state of my room. And of course, it's because i'm a hoarder. I still have all the Kiwanis ribbons I won since I was 5. I have a cards (categorized by year) given to me since my 6th birthday. I have about 10 pencil cases full of pens and pencils that I've barely used. I have boxes and albums full of pictures. I have unfinished scrapbooks.

It makes me sad when I think about all the projects I've started that i just couldn't finish. I have drawers full of half done projects, that i can't bear to throw away because i sunk so much time into it... and never saw the finished product. I think I hoard because I yearn to complete these things. I always put it off because I tell myself in the future I'll have more time to myself and I'll actually concentrate on doing some of these things. Like read. Or knit. Or scrapbook. Or write. Or draw.

If it's one thing i want to change about myself it's finishing things. I don't typically have that kind of problem when it's for school, or for work. But when it comes to my personal projects, things I want to do for me, I never see it to completion. Goes to show where my priorities lie.

thinking chair

fat dragon

rainbows!

summer reading

a walk in the park

honda family :)

button bouquet

Few things make a rainy day better except catch-up times with old friends and a colourful bouquet.

last meal

jon's last meal before removing his wisdom teeth. get better soon :(

8 glasses a day

crossword addict

bridesmaids

A few of us decided to go watch this movie yesterday - no expectations, just heard it'd be a funny movie. we laughed our way through the entire movie. there was just something about it, though absolutely ridiculous, that really touched somewhere close to home.

it's easy to hit rock bottom, and to be honest, when you do, there's nothing funny about it. There were so many parts of the movie where i wanted to hide my face and peek through my fingers and wish that it was over. the lead (Annie) just kept having bad thing after bad thing happen to her, and you just can't help but wonder WHY things suck so much.

there's a particular scene in this movie that asked an important question: are you willing to fight for your life?

It's so easy to join this pity party and just want things to get better. just... as instantly as things got worse, you wish for it to get better. But as in almost every chick flick, this never happens. things don't just get better, the main character has to turn around and fight for things to get better. there needs to be a change in attitude, a change in themselves

it's easy for me in my life to look at all the crap that's going on and wonder why i don't have a job yet, why i didn't get into the school i wanted for the program i wanted, why i'm not making more money, why bad things happen to me, why i don't have more friends. But what the heck am i going to do about it?

Sitting here in my butt and just wishing things to get better sure won't make things get better. Sometimes all it takes is getting back up when people reject you. sometimes it takes a lot more than that. sometimes people just keep pushing you down, or keep 'topping' you no matter what you do. but am i willing to fight for myself?

i sure hope so.

on finding the perfect job

I was at Hamilton Public Library the other day choosing movies to watch with a friend and came across the movie "Post-Grad" (2009). I knew it was gonna be a silly, predictable movie, with not much of a plotline, but i figured - hey, this is gonna be me! i should watch it for kicks.


So i did. and it was a predictable, silly movie. However, there were a few things in it that did manage to catch my attention that I felt i really should remember as i official become a graduate. 


"What you do with your life is just one-half of the equation more importantly it's who you're with when you're doing it." 
Having achievements isn't really that fulfilling - it's only fulfilling when you have someone to brag to about it =p But it's true. having all these degrees or credentials after your name really mean nothing if no one cares. Sure, I know that YOU care, and getting achievements may be a self-satisfying thing, but having no one to talk to about successes and failures, makes life and work really difficult. Trying to find the balance between finding a good work-life balance is important. 

"you were so focused on looking for the perfect job you forgot to live your life"

I think I'm the type to be in danger of doing something like this. It's really easy for me to zone in on school or work and just forget all the frills. I forget to enjoy my last few days in Hamilton because i'm so busy cramming for my national exam. I've missed out on so much this term including hanging out with friends because i just don't make time. I'd rather study, or do more clinical days. I want to get ahead, and i want this amazing job, that i forget that sometimes it's not the job that makes the person, it's the person that makes the job. 

post-grad

I've actually made it.

Sure, there's still a few loose ends to tie up (final evaluations and actual submission of marks) but i'm officially made it through my second undergrad.

7 years of school and i'm finally at the end of the road as a student. It's strange, and exciting all at once, and because i'm still studying for my RN exam, it still feels surreal. I'm starting to apply for REAL jobs too, and that feels strangely familiar, but at the same time new and frightening. There seems to be a lot riding on this first job.

there's been a lot more other thoughts floating inside my head but it's been a bit of a transition and hopefully, slowly but surely I will get things out into words.

But here i come. Joanna Wu BScN, BSc.

housemates

One thing i never had the luxury of experiencing at uw was the joy of housemates.

Sure, during co-op terms, i've had a roommate or two, all of which i've loved spending time with. But i've never lived with a big group of students who have nothing really much in common except maybe mutual friends and the fact that we are all students.

i've been so lucky.

Before I came to mcmaster, i really thought my whole experience would be awful.  I remember recounting to my close friends 'i'm living with SEVEN GIRLS', and seeing the horrified looks on their faces thinking about all the drama that was going to spring up. 8 girls (including myself) sharing 2 showers/washrooms. scary.

But at the end of year 1, i found so much comfort in the creaky old house i lived in. i really only remember the happy memories of friends made, the late night conversations, and the belly aching laughs that make me still miss our old sterling house. the only negative memory i remember is the bacon at 3am. but that's a story for a different day.

Then beginning year 2, it was a crazy transition, moving into a house that was co-ed with 15 people, with the lack of a/c (and now realizing the lack of heat), sleeping with my head beside the shower, the wonky internet, the mice, the maggots. all that. But even with that, what warms my heart now and what will make me miss emerson is not all this crazy logistics, but the fun times i had with these people fighting over the stove, playing dutch blitz, playing jungle speed, prayer meetings, randomness at 2am, the teasing, the mocking, the "Friends" trivia.

Yesterday I almost teared up (though so many things make me tear up these days) because of acts of kindness my housemates demonstrate to each other. The lengths some of my housemates were willing to go  to back up someone else in the house just rendered me speechless. It's these unbelievable acts that remind me how great it is to be part of these houses.

i will miss you housemates. it's been a great 2 years :)

valentine's day 2011

Aside from a surprise visit (more to visit because i was 'down' not because of valentine's day), i kept the day fairly simple.

after coming off of a night shift, i slept most of the day away. however, thought it'd be fun to leave some treats for some of my girl friends. i mean who can say no to chocolate and strawberries??

then as a surprise to me, my housemate decided to donate some vday flowers to make my room a bit more colourful.

happy 'delayed' vday everyone! whether you spent it with that 'special someone' or with a bunch of girlfriends, or even on your own, i hope the day was full of fun and laughter and of course lots and lots of love.

i am scared of the future.

there. i said it. it's easy to hide behind the fake facades and stuff, but in the end, that's the reality. i like to pretend i've got my act together, and that the future is at my doorstep and i've got all these amazing opportunities in front of me - but really i'm just freaked out about how it's all gonna turn out, that i'm not even trying.

i can't help but feel like a failure for not already finding a job after finishing at Waterloo, and it's almost unbearable to think that i might choose the 'wrong option' when looking for a job now.

i am scared. but the future is coming whether i'd like it to or not, and i'm doing what i can to move forward and embrace this future.

My problem is that i care too much. I spend a lot of time thinking about what people think of me, and think of what I might do instead of just doing things.

Yes, holding public approval can be a good thing, but it's not the only thing.

Thinking about things that transpired over the holidays, and just at my whole life, I find myself being this middle man who is torn between 'doing what others perceive to be good/right' and what I perceive to be good/right. Sometimes they coincide, and in many situations they don't.

People have different beliefs, have different attitudes, perspectives, and because of that, there is often a difference in opinions. Because of my 'people-pleasing' nature, I'm more inclined to be stuck in the middle, whereas the other person can get away 'conscience-free'.

As a nurse, something we're constantly taught is to know where we stand, and be comfortable with our own beliefs. It's only at this point can we really treat people with beliefs different than ours. I think a lot of times we defend our own values/beliefs not necessarily because we want the other person to believe them, but we feel threatened that someone else may sway us - at best it's a defense mechanism.

Developing the confidence in knowing where I stand and what I believe is something that I've struggled with forever, and entering a profession where a lot of people are going to be different than me - it's daunting. All I can hope for is in these last few months of being a student, I can really question this, and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. To stop having 'bad days' because i felt ignored, or i felt someone was judging me. Ultimately, to be proud of who I am, and be confident in all the actions I carry out .

There's something extremely peaceful about ending a hectic night shift by walking through an empty campus with fresh snow falling at 8am.

i was browsing through old drafted blog posts, and there was a post for the beginning of 2010. I never published this post, but it was interesting to see how much i've progressed since 2010. how things have changed, not just in my life, but in the lives of many of the people around me.

i also noted how i only published 13 blog posts in the past year. that is just a little bit more than one per month (on average). that is sad. i should rectify that.

i find myself returning to this page over and over again, trying to think of something to write.


and every time my mind draws a blank. whether it's because i really have nothing to say, or i have nothing to share, i am unsure.


2011.


it's the last term of my second undergrad. not many people get to redo undergrad, and i've had this opportunity full out. I've had the chance to live out of home with other students, and study in libraries, and get to know classmates, and study HARD and do well. Not many people are lucky enough to go back and correct the mistakes of their past, and pave a new future.


"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become." - my big fat greek wedding