on making the effort

this term has been a term of hiding and not trying.

it's pretty bad falling into this complacent state where i prefer to come home and hermit and make my own dinners and eat grapes (partially because i'm trying to save money). but there are moments where i make my entrance into the world and really try to mingle with people and pull myself out of this depressive state.

but sometimes i can't help but stay in this slump, where i lack the motivation in general to push forward and try to accomplish something new... maybe not something new, but even just to work towards a goal.

i think things like deadlines, they help. it's pretty much an external force driving me when my internal force of motivation has failed. but i think predominantly the reason i've been avoiding people is because i know that when i face people, i have to face all the missed deadlines, all the missed opportunities, the skipped efforts, all that. i know that all of those things will come back to haunt me because people remind me of the things i should've done if it weren't for my laziness, tiredness, apathy.

sometimes it's easy for me to lose patience with people because i feel like all they want is me to do stuff for them. my boss is only teaching me this so that i can finish this other for them. my friends are only encouraging me to learn because they need me to help them out. i get semi annoyed at everyone who are pushing me to do things, not for my own sake, but for THEIR sake. i think that makes me frustrated... and 'turns me off' from doing what they ask me to - simply because, well... they asked me to.

but really... i know people mean well. they are encouraging me, teaching me, pushing me... because they want to SEE me become the person i say that i want to be.

so here's to change, to growth, to pushing forward. here's to accountability and watching out for each other.