"run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up"
- dean karnazes, runner

note to self: .NEVER. GIVE.UP.

frustrated

when you pour time and effort into something sometimes you hope to reap rewards. or not necessarily rewards... but response.

Sometimes i need reassurance telling me that i'm not doing something wrong, or that i'm not some complete idiot. Maybe that makes me insecure... and i guess maybe that's what i am.

but a lot of the time, i never get that response... i feel as though all that time and effort was wasted. what's the point? Things can run on their own, what is my role, my impact at all?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
~Galatians 6:9-10~

why is it so hard?
i'm just so frustrated there's so many more things that i can commit my time and effort to... why can't i just give up?

i can't wait until i can climb into a hole and just sleep... and forget about everyone else

i was watching full house the other day.... and one of the episodes i watched was talking about DJ's first boyfriend... and... and he only 'dated' her because he could get help with his homework, and in the end, choosing to sit with cathy santoni because she's "pretty".... DJ then proceeded to hide in her room crying....

the three guys (danny, uncle jesse and joey) try to tell DJ the story of the 'ugly duckling' and it made DJ even MORE upset because 'she never thought she was ugly, she thought she was just not as pretty... and NOW she's ugly!!!'... becky (uncle jesse's soon-to be wife) annnd yells at the boys and tells them to go away, and says she'll talk to DJ herself...

so she does. one of the things she said her mom said to her was something along the lines of... "don't worry what anyone thinks of you... you just be the best becky you can be... then she made me stand and list all the good things about me..."

every since i've been young i think there is an incredible urge to compare myself to other people. Everyone else seemed better and it was such a struggle for me to determine what *i* was best at.

i think watching that episode reminded me that... there's a reason to why i am the way i am. no matter how great the next person is, or how much 'better'... i'm me for a reason, and all i can do is be the best 'joanna' i can be...




but sometimes i wonder is the best joanna is good enough...?

"little black book"

the first time i watched this movie i hated it. like HATED it. thought it was retarded a huge waste of my time. i did however enjoy the fact that *spoiler alert* that the 'girl' didn't get her 'prince' at the end, but it was still a 'happy' ending.

But... some 4 years later (or so) i watch this movie again and though still not the 'best' movie i've seen (far from it)... but some of the things they say really resonate in me, and i just needed to write them down:

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end...           
... we don't.
Perhaps luck exists somewhere between...the world of planning, the world of chance...
and in the peace that comes from knowing...that you just can't know it all.
You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up...
... right where you belong.

Bean: John Lennon said, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans."
Stacy:  Then he got shot.
Bean: Right.You just gotta live.
Stop planning your moves.
Let them happen. I mean, you might be surprised.

Life... happens. When time flies by, because you're so busy planning everything. You're so positive that your happy ending is supposed to happen in a specific way at a specific time with a specific person/specific people. You expect certain things to happen to you because that's how you imagined your happy ending in a particular way/form. But in the end... its when you let go of the wheel, and you just LIVE, and you stop planning everything... that you might be surprised where you end up, and that's where you TRULY find your 'happy ending'.

How does a girl fall down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos...come out the other end unchanged?
the answer? She doesn't.

My life is OBVIOUSLY not that dramatic. But how can you go through life and NOT change?
When your life falls into what APPEARS to be chaos, how can you not come out the other end looking at everything differently?