integrity

I remember having many conversations on this topic in first year... what (would) make me a person on integrity? what do i have to change in order to be someone that has integrity?

After the William's ordeal, my parents had stories on stories that they told that show how much the new people seemed to hate on my parents. In my own head i was wracking my brain trying to figure out what we could maybe do to make amends, to try and make them not so angry at us. It's my nature to do something like that. I am a people pleaser. If anyone doesn't like me, i can't stand it. But then i realized something. My search for integrity had reached its first stepping stone.

There's a common quote that says: "integrity is who you are, how you act when no one is watching". Though i've heard it many times, its never really meant anything to me until that moment. It's not just the idea of what you do when you're alone in your room. It's what would you do if there was no one else in the world who paid attention to you.

In my world, where what people think matter SO much, i think i would've done ANYTHING to change the mind of these people; that our family was a good family who ran a good business for 10 years. But as i came to the slow realization that doing anything doesn't make me have integrity. It makes me someone who is willing to even do the wrong thing to make someone like me, think highly of me. What people choose to think of us, I have no control over. It's as simple as that.

In the end, i told my parents "don't worry... in the end, no matter what they think of us, it doesn't matter. If we can look back on this ordeal and KNOW we did the right thing, did it with as much humility, and as much grace as we could muster, then whatever they think, that is their misconception, not our wrongdoing."

Still after telling my parents that, i haven't been able to grasp that concept in my own life. I still parade around living for other people, acting like i would to ensure that people would like me for what i do. It's gotten to the point where i've allowed myself to be a puppet; the puppeteers are my peers and my family, because i LET them be. I hang onto their every word, do what everyone tells me to do because i don't want to step on any toes. In a sense, i don't think there would be much of 'me' that would exist without the presence of other people.

You can tell who a person is, by who they have as their 'enemies'. What happens with a person who doesn't really have any enemies? Living a life where you have no enemies, doesn't it just show there's nothing that you're PASSIONATE enough for that you would try and fight for it? Doesn't it show that you are a pushover and are willing to adapt anyone's beliefs to your own just so they don't dislike you/think you're weird?

*snap out of it. I want to be a person of integrity.

'all-you-can-eat'

For the past two months i believe i have been to an 'all-you-can-eat place at least...10 times. In the coming week alone, i will be going to two places, last week i went THREE times.

The thing about all you can eat, is that i always completely stuff myself. Why? because you always have to eat your 'money's worth'.

Oddly enough, i'd think that eating so many buffets would stretch my stomach making me someone that is harder to feed. But it hasn't changed anything. It's like something in my head 'clicks' when i go to a buffet, and i am just 'able' to eat a lot. I went to hot pot on saturday and i was NOT full! even after everyone else at my table was done, I was still not full!! same with sushi dinner last week. i think that i helped people polish off all their orders and STILL by the end of the night i could go home and eat ice cream. But today for lunch, i was SO FULL i could not finish my bowl of congee (ONE bowl!)

this is my theory: I'm weird. Either that, or by the end of the Christmas season (and this term) i will have gained 50 lbs.

tomorrow Ye's, Friday King's buffet *yum*