ahhhhhh

on reflections: loving green.

i'm currently on the verge of finishing my 3rd term of nursing, i have less than a year before i emerge from school as a full-fledged RN.

it's weird. i'm unsure whether it's nursing, or if it's mcmaster, but i feel the past 10 months have been the most in my entire university career that i've spent, FORCED, to reflect on myself.

the RNAO best practice guidelines teaches nurses that in order to be a good nurse and perform proper, appropriate therapeutic communication a nurse must know themselves well, where their values and beliefs lie, and be comfortable with themselves. it's only when a nurse reaches this point can they reach out to others fully. this makes sense right? if you can't even love yourself how can you love others?

this last point is something i've always struggled with - loving myself. but with all this reflecting i've had to do, i think there's been more and more time to learn things about myself. i thought i would be afraid of what i'd find, and want to turn away from it, but it's been absolutely liberating.

i think my entire life i spent being who i thought i should be. Because of this, i created a person that i thought people expected me to be. that doesn't make that person i 'made up' any less 'me', but at the same time there were a lot of things i didn't let myself define. and discovering some of these things for the first time are exhilirating. even if it's something simple, i feel like i'm learning about myself... and then learning to love those parts of myself.

random fact #1: my favourite colour is green. 
i used to tell everyone my favourite colour was blue because my sister said her favourite colour was blue. i used to also say i liked yellow because well i wanted people to perceive me as a happy person. i DO like blue (this whole blog is blue -.-) and i do like yellow (it's quite a happy colour), but i think i'm naturally drawn to green. i'm still unsure whether if this is because it has such a natural feel to it, or whether it's like this one book told me that green is a representation of 'life', and because i'm naturally drawn to green, i'm naturally drawn to life. It's also said that green is the universal healing colour as it soothes the eyes and calms the nerves.
either way, i now know i CHOOSE to love green.

day off

i've been so exhausted
it's weird because this past week i really only had 2 days of school, yet somehow each time i have clinical, and each day i AM in school it tires me out.
i feel so exhausted. emotionally, spiritually, physically. So i took today (and yesterday night) off.
I spent the day:

• sleeping.
• I woke up at 7am, and decided nahhh it's too early! and slept until 11:30. I ate a bowl of cereal. watched 'so you think you can dance'. then went back to sleep. woke up at 4pm
• cleaning
• i decided my house was too dirty. so i swept and mopped the kitchen, washroom and my room. 
• grocery shopping
• i was out of veggies and fruits and milk and juice so i went and bought some
• why are the best foods so expensive??? i spent 10$ on cherries today >.<
• running
• that's right! i went for a run. I decided to visit the aviary up near my old place. it was closed, but i walked around the park in the area and heard the many birds chirping (and squawking). definitely somewhere i want to visit before i graduate.
• listening to music
• while running while cleaning. just enjoying my tunes.

I thought after all that i should get SOME work in, so i ended off the day catching up on work. 

On i side a note: i saw my first fireflies today.


"The best cure for an off day, is an day off"

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving 
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here 
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

it's very difficult living a life of complacency.
that seems like a very contradictory statement, since the concept of complacency is being lazy, and so how can being lazy be tiring, be difficult, be frustrating?

because though at certain times, you feel like there's not a care in the world, it's when life suddenly smacks you in the face do you realize how far behind you are, and there is very little hope of catching up.

it sucks living a life where i feel like such an underachiever. what happened? i had such big dreams, wanted to do such BIG things, and i feel like i'm stuck inside this rut... and i'm dying to get out, but i'm afraid that i can't shake the laziness that i've gotten so accustomed to these past few years.

it's especially frustrating when you know that there are certain things that IF ONLY you do them... IF ONLY you DID them... you would've gotten so much further.

it just feels like one of those days where the world is winning 1st place ribbons and all i get is a white participant one.

i first met Charlie on January 28, 2010.

it was my first clinical placement as a nurse, and i was scared out of my mind. I was told to shadow this one PSW who had 6 people to see that morning before breakfast. we took off from the nursing station around 7am, and had to have 6 people, woken up, bathed, dressed, and toileted before 8am. 

the first patient i ever met was Charlie, and he was awake when we came in, smiling a toothless smile at us greeting us with a 'good morning ladies!' 

I learned how to do my first bed bath, change my first brief. He told me that he wanted a pink shirt... do you know why? because "even though 10 years ago pink shirts were not 'in' for men... they are now!"

My first day flying solo, he was the patient i chose. I learned about his meds, his diagnoses. I learned about his care plan, so that I would make sure his needs were met. He was my patient for 3 weeks. He taught me what was 'right' when i made a mistake - like bringing his teeth in the cleaning solution is wrong: you need to rinse them off with water first! We chatted about his 97th birthday party, how he used to be a phramacist. He showed me pictures of himself when he was young (and very good looking!)

And even as the term wore on, i went back to check on him, see how he was, when he needed help, i tried to offer it to him. He allowed me to perform my first real cardiac assessment on him. We did a mini-mental assessment on him, which, during the writing portion, wrote that "I love you all". 

Today began on a sombre note. I walked into the nursing station, 7am. 2 months from when i first met Charlie, and was told that he passed away yesterday of a heart attack.

working in long term care is difficult. it means a lot of humility. it means realizing you are never 'too good' to wipe someone's bum, to clean up after them, to feed them, to help them get ready, to take a walk with them, to chat with them, to sit down, and hold their hand when they are scared. it means facing death.

one of my residents today woke up and decided she didn't want to go to breakfast. Turns out she had an extremely high blood pressure, and she grasps my hand and with a frightened look on her face asks me: "I'm going to die aren't I? I'm so scared... Am i going to die?" 

long term care... is sad.

but long term care... can be filled with joyful, and such rewarding moments too.

another resident of mine spends a lot of time in the washroom, and today she told me to sit down (in her wheelchair) to have a chat while she was on the toilet. We talked about her children. My children (or lack thereof). We talked about how all the people at this nursing home are great and take care of her. She tells me that i'm too gentle and that i need to be more rough sometimes. We talked, she laughed. We laughed together. 

my day ended with me chatting with a patient that my classmates were dressing a wound for. He was in pain. He is completely blind and almost 99% deaf. But he started talking when he knew we were there, perhaps to take his mind off the pain. And then he broke into song. He sang- no he BELLOWED a hymn. It was beautiful. He started to seranade us, then when he realized we were 'too young' to recognize the song, he decided it would be a good idea to yodel. i'm pretty sure i was laughing so hard i was crying. And he laughed along with me. 

it's hard to believe that i've been doing this for 2 months now. it's important for me to remember the good stuff... and the bad. the sad stuff, and the stuff that made me laugh until i cried. it's all this stuff that makes my future job so.... fun. 

it's.... life - the good AND the bad.

slow down, you crazy child

Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me, Why are you still so afraid?

i told myself to walk home today instead of taking the bus (though taking the bus takes... 2 minutes... walking only takes... 7 =P). But as i was walking home, i couldn't bring myself to take nice slow steps and appreciate and soak in the sun.
i've been is such a hurry and so busy the past few weeks, reminding myself of next steps, that i've forgotten how to slow down and enjoy.

even as i was spending time reflecting on the past few days, i had my reflecting was interrupted by thoughts of what to do next, and when i get home i should grab the garbage cans as i go in so i can save time. all my time and thoughts are devoted to efficiency and what's the fastest way to do everything. Everything is dictated by some sort of timeline, some sort of 'to do list'. Though i agree this can be beneficial, i think these things cause me to deprive myself of simple joys. Even in that simple thought of bringing in the garbage as i go in, i deprive myself of the extra sunshine i get when i go out for a second time to grab them. I increase my screen time and 'busy work' time that i don't allow myself to breathe.

i realize for me, keeping busy, running away  -those are all mechanisms that help me to cope. 'why are you still so afraid'. i think i'm afraid of the thoughts and the feelings that would come if i just stopped to think about them. busy-ness is a cover, it's a handle to hold on to, it's a safety blanket. as long as i have inertia i can keep moving. but the minute i stop... the minute i really think and really let myself feel... then i'm afraid i won't be able to get myself going again.

but i will draw wisdom from my good friend Morrie.
“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being attached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

i've used this quote so often, but it still reminds me that... it's okay to feel broken. it's okay to feel pain. it's okay to cry. it's okay to reflect and think about what you think about things. it's okay to despise change. but it's when you FULLY feel these emotions, and let these things pass through you, can you say that you have experienced it, and can let go and detach from it. in slowing down and facing the stuff you dread most... that's when you can really overcome it. the more you hide from it, the more you run... the more these things will have a power over you.

Slow down, you crazy child, and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile, 
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?

on 'me me me'

over the past few weeks we've had a few clinical training sessions where we're taught to look at things in new perspectives and taught how to 'be a nurse'.

one particular session stuck out to me. we were talking about new perspectives, and how we can look at any given situation and 'twist' it so that it becomes something positive. as people would say - it's all about attitude.

the question was 'WHY is this opportunity for long term care in my life right now?'
many people in the class looked at this question and thought 'well i need to take it to pass'... others started thinking 'outside the box' and thought of some 'philosophical' reason - 'so i can gain a better understanding of an elderly population', 'so i can learn to care for a wide-range of people', etc. etc.

one thing that irked me about this whole thing was... nobody ever fully switched the perspectives. how about: 'because there is an aging population and they need people to care for them' or 'to provide care for people who are often overlooked' or 'because there is a shortage of workers in the ltc field, and they need the help'.

it made me realize how much of a self involved world i live in. the answers i came up with were, 'so i could practice my clinical skills, 'so i could determine whether ltc was in my future', 'so i could move forward in my education', 'so the older population can teach ME'... me me me me. the only person that gains is ME

it's easy to think outside the box but still look at things from my own lens. sure there's a shift in attitude. instead of 'necessity', it became an 'opportunity'. but what happened to thinking outward? what happened to thinking about the people around me?

am i in the nursing profession so that i can gain? so that i can have a steady job? so that *i* can change the world?

or am i in this because people are hurting. because people need to be cared for. because people are waiting. because PEOPLE need help?

am i here to help myself? or here to help those who can't help themselves?

when i ran for committee a few years ago, i had come fresh out of l'arche arnprior, and i still remember that my vision... what i felt i could do on committee -  was to mobilize people. not to take their ideas and implement them. but to help THEM realize their passion and give them the resources to fulfill that passion.

living there reminded me that yes there are 'easier' more 'efficient' ways to do things. but that's not what people want. people don't want a quick fix. people don't want someone to just do things because it's faster. people want to be supported, encouraged, respected, LOVED. if i brush someone's teeth for them it might be faster, but it degrades them, making them feel incapable. yes, the alternative takes up my time; standing there reminding them to brush their gums, and to gurgle the water way back, and not to miss any spots.

but isn't that the point? i am here to give my time. it's not an obligation. it's an opportunity. it's an HONOUR.

it's time to stop looking inside. How can i help YOU?

there's no audience watching, cheering for the poor tortured heroine

no one rooting for her to meet her happy ending and her prince charming

there's just life. there's decisions.

there's no 'right' answer, just what you choose to do with what's given to you.

and at the end of it all. it's not a point system. there's no reward for sucking it up and living with pain and wounds and hurts. at the end of it all, it's whether you chose to stand up and still love in spite of it all.

this is probably the most difficult i've had to make in nursing so far.

what colour?!

please help me.

on defying gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

i think i've become a gleek.... =p

on counting my blessings

i get caught up in my misfortunes sometimes i forget (once again) how much i am blessed with.

it happens quite often (see bad luck spells). i forget that among the bad things, there always good things.

i think i've spent a lot of the finals time whining and being sad and depressed that things are different. that i am alone. that i'm stuck inside.

but i forget things like:

a) other people are studying too

b) well the fact that i AM inside, and NOT outside in the freezing cold

c) i am studying so that i can be a GOOD nurse and take care of people to the best of my ability - and not cramming information into my head that i will forget the next day

d) i have TIME to study. none of this cramming business

e) sure, i haven't been home in almost a month, but some of my friends haven't been home in much longer than that

f) i have awesome friends who play online scrabble with me, come out to hamilton just to have ayce sushi and cheer me up, chat with me, webcam with me, take me to midnight madness at ikea :)

g) i have wonderful housemates that go to ikea spontaneously with me, cook for me, chat with me

h) i currently am in the constant presence of a fish that's super active and likes to push pebbles around it's bowl to remind me that he's still here, cheering me on

i) my parents came to visit me just last week with tons of good study food

j) CHRISTMAS is around the corner, and i have 2 weeks off

the list could go on. i just keep forgetting. and i shouldn't, because i really am blessed. and really lucky. and i SHOULD be... and am, very, truly thankful.

"Just a little while longer I wanna pray

Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord, just for loving me
Many times I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me
...
I wanna say thank you"

~Thank you- the Katinas~

on study breaks

i hit the 75 hour mark of being in my house. and i decided it was enough.i spent 3 days+ hiding in my house studying, and it's been quite bizarre. I never studied this much or this hardcore when i was in waterloo.

i had my fits of temper tantrums and curling up into a ball depressed from studying... so finally, under the orders of one of my housemates, i made it my 'mission' today to visit the second cup in the westdale village (maybe a 5 minute walk away from my house) to get a candy cane hot chocolate.

I had my reservations about this considering i was trying to finish goal #100 on my list (don't spend money for a week) and i hadn't 'really' spent money since... well since last saturday (i 'bought' another macid on monday...), and so i thought, i can last a few more days without spending money. But approaching my 75th hour in my hermit state, i needed to do something for me - to save my sanity. So i bundled up and trekked over to the second cup and - voila! happiness in a cup.

i brought it back, and curled up in a chair (determined not to think about exams for 1/2 an hour) drank my hot chocolate, read a good book and hung out with my new friend 'fitzy'.

the break ended with my taking a 10 minute nap in the glow of my bedroom lamp and the warmth of hot chocolate in my tummy. best $3.50 i've ever spent. <3

on blogging and social determinants of health

so i'm sure people are shocked to see my posting more than once every month. awhile ago, i had started a 101 list of things i wanted to accomplish, and i remembered that one of my items was to blog three times a week (at least) for a month, so this has been my attempt.

the purpose behind this was that i don't tend to be a very open person. there are things i place out there voluntarily, and typically they're easy, shallow thoughts, but the stuff i think about deeply, the things i learn, the things that trouble me... most of those things stew in my mind, or if you're 'lucky' enough, i will boil over during a phone or gtalk conversation.

this is where blogging was supposed to come in. to 'force' me at least three times in a week to translate my thoughts into coherent sentences.

i shared with a friend earlier this term that i realize there are a lot of thoughts and "aha!" moments in my head... but when it comes to telling people them, they fall short of the 'glory' it manifested in my head. my thoughts are much more eloquent than my words are.

but as i'm spending a lot of my time studying and regurgitating information, i'm not having very many thoughts. so this week is kind of a crummy week to be blogging my thoughts. because what will result are things like this:

i was studying for my health, science and society course and was reading that social determinants are often much more impactful on health than individual behaviours. the textbook displayed two lists of '10 tips' for better health. the first is something you would see a bit more normally, and as mentioned above, individual changes can make some sort of impact on health, though maybe not as impacting as we believe. the second list... well it's interesting. i hope i am never expected to give these tips as a nurse.

the 'traditional' list:

1. don't smoke. if you can, stop, if you can't cut down.
2. follow a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables.
3. keep physically active.
4. manage stress by, for example, talking things through and making time to relax.
5. if you drink alcohol, do so in moderation
6. cover up in the sun, and protect children from sunburn
7. practice safer sex
8. take up cancer screening opportunities
9. be safe on the roads: follow the Highway Code
10. learn the First Aid ABCs: airways, breathing, circulation.

the 'social determinants' list:

1. don't be poor. If you can, stop. If you can't, try not to be poor for long.
2. don't have poor parents
3. own a car.
4. don't work in a stressful, low paid manual job
5. don't live in damp, low quality housing
6. be able to afford to go on a foreign holiday and sunbathe
7. practice not losing your job and don't become unemployed
8. take up all benefits you are entitled to, if you are unemployed, retired or sick or disabled
9. don't live next to a busy major road or near a polluting factory
10. learn how to fill the complex housing benefit/asylum application forms before you become homeless and destitute

anyway, back to the books.

on 'undo'-ing

i think i've been spending too much time writing papers.

i was re-arranging some notes in my binder, and because i'm 'oh-so-smart', i tried to 'move the pages' thinking the rings were closed and they weren't. so all the pages came off the rings :(

the funny thing here was the first things that flashed through my mind was 'CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z! CTRL + Z!', which for those of you who don't know - it's the 'undo key' in word. -.-

oh the sad life i lead.

though sometimes, it'd be nice to have an undo key in life.

on losing things

i lost my wallet yesterday.

not sure how it happened but it did. and it was pretty.... upsetting, frustrating.

i think i'm the type of person that is relatively scatter-brained. i 'lose' things easily. my phone, my camera, my id, my keys. i will rummage through all my stuff and freak out because i can't find my stuff, and then 5 minutes later pull it from my purse.

but actually losing something, it was a really sad feeling, disappointing. i kept hoping that the more i looked i would just 'find' it in my purse. or my friends purse. or the restaurant, or the hall, or the police station.

it was weird too in the sense the first thing i thought about was all the money i had in there - everything i would have to 'spend' to replace it all. but upon talking to my father, he reminded me that that's all replaceable. there's precautions that must be taken (i.e. associated with identity theft and all that fun stuff)... but in the end, everything can be replaced. money can be re-earned. my driver's license, health card, credit cards, debit cards can all be replaced. even the picture i had in my wallet can be replaced.

sometimes, i wonder if i'm just really naive. i still hold out hope that someone out there will be kind enough to return my wallet. even if i know that this chance is small, there's still a glimmer left that i'll be the lucky one. even though i already KNOW that i need to move on, and find a new wallet, and fill it up with new things, there's a part of me that isn't letting go of my old one. even though i know i can't dwell in the past, sometimes, it's just easier to, then to take steps to move forward.

i guess i just don't take losing things well.

on a clean room

someone really smart once told me that the state of your desk/room is the state of your mind.

like always - the state of my room here in hamilton has been a mess. i did laundry on friday and didn't have time to put it away before jetting away to barrie for a bulk of the weekend. my shelves were collapsing from me piling textbooks on it in an aggressive fashion. my bed - unmade as always.

i realize that my room at home is often in disarray, and that's probably why i could never study in it. but, now sitting in a freshly cleaned room, it is refreshing. at least there's a part of me that feels organized and on top of things - in control.

in class, that's one thing we discussed about why it's important to respect and give self worth to a patient. because often they're in situations where they are completely out of control. and if you give them something to hold onto: maybe it's a routine, maybe it's a decision - anything that's THEIRS. they gain stability, and they can once again feel in control... of SOMETHING, of ANYTHING, even in a situation that is completely overwhelming.

so, in my clean room, there's a sense of accomplishment, a sense of control - i know where everything is, i cleaned and organized this room. i can tackle anything.

bring it on finals. i can take you.

on being profound

for people who don't know me too well, or see me in my 'thinking' stages, i am often quiet, and seem relatively deep in thought. and when people ask me what i'm thinking about - i usually reply with 'nothing'... because more times than not, i'm not thinking about anything that i feel is profound or is worth saying.

not to mention, even if it was, i don't have the eloquence to verbalize and articulate what i might be thinking, because my mind works a heck of a lot faster than can be translated into words.

but i realized something today. it's not about profoundness. you may read my blog or my tweets and be like - DUH! most things i learn or realize are not new, startling discoveries. they don't really bring new perspective on things in general.

but for ME it's growth. it's movement. when i'm deep in thought, i am trying to figure something out. i'm waiting. waiting for the sudden AHA! feeling when some concept finally clicks in your mind.

It's like when a puzzle piece fits - actually FITS; none of that forcing it to fit because it look like it should. there's a sudden shift in your mentality, that allows that piece just to slide smoothly and conjoin with another piece. Anyone else could've seen why those pieces go together, but it's not until you feel the pieces 'click' into place that you yourself realize... and actually understand.

when i'm deep in thought, i don't try and make a breakthrough for humanity - i am trying to make a breakthrough for ME. hey, if my breakthrough HELPS humanity (or a friend) then all the better, but that's not the point of trying to think out an idea, it's not the point of blogging, journaling. the point is to help me get from where i am *down here*, to a different place *slightly above down here*. it's not always about big leaps. sometimes it's about those baby steps.

on sticky note reminders

during class today (yes, during class... i am an awesome student)... i made a list of things to do... for today and the rest of term... and man. it was a bit overwhelming.

there is so much to do... but i decided, no matter how extensive this list was, i had to keep these things in mind:

oh sticky notes how i love thee

on mondays

i usually hate mondays.

the definition of monday (literally) is the moons day... and in russian, the term used for monday was the 'day after holiday'.

and that's what i feel. every monday comes around and i feel like i need a new beginning - i need a day to 'get my affairs into order', set my life straight again.

after a fun weekend (the nature of weekends are that they are fun), i need the time to re-adjust into my reality. it always kinda sucks, like waking up from a good dream.

but order is good. i realize i've started to look forward to my monday nights. Aside from the fact that Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory, How I met your Mother, House and Heroes (though i only watch this last one on occasion) all air on mondays, i've really come to enjoy this 'reset' button i get every week.

- reflect on goals on what i need to do
- think about what is due and start working on it
- pay my bills/sort out my financials
- think about groceries i want to buy
- plan my next weekend

i like new starts. a fresh page. a re-shuffling to get things back into a way that i like. so it's only natural i'm growing to like mondays. (i know it's argued that sundays are the first day of the week... and in many aspects it is, but, i've ironically seemed to have chosen monday to be *MY* reset button)

i am an anomaly, cuz seriously, who the heck likes mondays? To be fair, i still strongly dislike monday mornings. but... monday nights? they're cool. hello week! here i come.

on doing things my way

i realize that i have a very systematic, and... almost eccentric way of doing things. For the most part, things end up alright. in the END i'm thorough. in the END it pulls together. but sometimes, the journey is just messy... and people looking on think i'm a bit crazy.

my summer job ended with a ridiculously quick switch over where i had to hand off a lot of my things to a new co-op in a one day switchover. As the term was ending, i realized that though things ran relatively smoothly while i was there, the way i went about doing a lot of things was not exactly the best - i.e. the order in which i did things, or my organizational skills etc.

i also found out today, that something that could've been done to make the process more thorough, i didn't do, just because i was so pressed for time. it was frustrating for me to sit down and listen to my successor tell me what i neglected and how he was doing my job better than me. what he doesn't know is how much politics there were over the summer, how fast paced things were then, how long it took me to establish what i even handed to him. i kept telling myself... well if i had been there longer, if i wasn't in a rush, i would've done it! but to him, my discombobulated way of doing things was wrong, and that was his solution for fixing it.

and as much humility it takes me to admit it - their way might be better... might be more efficient. and that's what gets me. i WANT to do it my way, because i think i'm right. i want to do it my way because it makes me feel better, smarter, superior. i want to do it my way because it means i'm RIGHT. but i am not always right. i am not always the best.

i think i'm so used to doing things on my own, in my own way that i FORGET that other people don't understand. i FORGET that some things... i CAN'T do on my own, and the way i'm going about things... well people can't help me. people can't follow me through my process because it doesn't make sense to them. to them i'm back tracking, then moving forward, then back tracking then jumping 10 steps ahead. my mind in non-linear and it shows.

but i need to realize that... just as people have to accept how i think, and how i need to do things my way... that other people have their way too.