housemates

One thing i never had the luxury of experiencing at uw was the joy of housemates.

Sure, during co-op terms, i've had a roommate or two, all of which i've loved spending time with. But i've never lived with a big group of students who have nothing really much in common except maybe mutual friends and the fact that we are all students.

i've been so lucky.

Before I came to mcmaster, i really thought my whole experience would be awful.  I remember recounting to my close friends 'i'm living with SEVEN GIRLS', and seeing the horrified looks on their faces thinking about all the drama that was going to spring up. 8 girls (including myself) sharing 2 showers/washrooms. scary.

But at the end of year 1, i found so much comfort in the creaky old house i lived in. i really only remember the happy memories of friends made, the late night conversations, and the belly aching laughs that make me still miss our old sterling house. the only negative memory i remember is the bacon at 3am. but that's a story for a different day.

Then beginning year 2, it was a crazy transition, moving into a house that was co-ed with 15 people, with the lack of a/c (and now realizing the lack of heat), sleeping with my head beside the shower, the wonky internet, the mice, the maggots. all that. But even with that, what warms my heart now and what will make me miss emerson is not all this crazy logistics, but the fun times i had with these people fighting over the stove, playing dutch blitz, playing jungle speed, prayer meetings, randomness at 2am, the teasing, the mocking, the "Friends" trivia.

Yesterday I almost teared up (though so many things make me tear up these days) because of acts of kindness my housemates demonstrate to each other. The lengths some of my housemates were willing to go  to back up someone else in the house just rendered me speechless. It's these unbelievable acts that remind me how great it is to be part of these houses.

i will miss you housemates. it's been a great 2 years :)

valentine's day 2011

Aside from a surprise visit (more to visit because i was 'down' not because of valentine's day), i kept the day fairly simple.

after coming off of a night shift, i slept most of the day away. however, thought it'd be fun to leave some treats for some of my girl friends. i mean who can say no to chocolate and strawberries??

then as a surprise to me, my housemate decided to donate some vday flowers to make my room a bit more colourful.

happy 'delayed' vday everyone! whether you spent it with that 'special someone' or with a bunch of girlfriends, or even on your own, i hope the day was full of fun and laughter and of course lots and lots of love.

i am scared of the future.

there. i said it. it's easy to hide behind the fake facades and stuff, but in the end, that's the reality. i like to pretend i've got my act together, and that the future is at my doorstep and i've got all these amazing opportunities in front of me - but really i'm just freaked out about how it's all gonna turn out, that i'm not even trying.

i can't help but feel like a failure for not already finding a job after finishing at Waterloo, and it's almost unbearable to think that i might choose the 'wrong option' when looking for a job now.

i am scared. but the future is coming whether i'd like it to or not, and i'm doing what i can to move forward and embrace this future.

My problem is that i care too much. I spend a lot of time thinking about what people think of me, and think of what I might do instead of just doing things.

Yes, holding public approval can be a good thing, but it's not the only thing.

Thinking about things that transpired over the holidays, and just at my whole life, I find myself being this middle man who is torn between 'doing what others perceive to be good/right' and what I perceive to be good/right. Sometimes they coincide, and in many situations they don't.

People have different beliefs, have different attitudes, perspectives, and because of that, there is often a difference in opinions. Because of my 'people-pleasing' nature, I'm more inclined to be stuck in the middle, whereas the other person can get away 'conscience-free'.

As a nurse, something we're constantly taught is to know where we stand, and be comfortable with our own beliefs. It's only at this point can we really treat people with beliefs different than ours. I think a lot of times we defend our own values/beliefs not necessarily because we want the other person to believe them, but we feel threatened that someone else may sway us - at best it's a defense mechanism.

Developing the confidence in knowing where I stand and what I believe is something that I've struggled with forever, and entering a profession where a lot of people are going to be different than me - it's daunting. All I can hope for is in these last few months of being a student, I can really question this, and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. To stop having 'bad days' because i felt ignored, or i felt someone was judging me. Ultimately, to be proud of who I am, and be confident in all the actions I carry out .

There's something extremely peaceful about ending a hectic night shift by walking through an empty campus with fresh snow falling at 8am.

i was browsing through old drafted blog posts, and there was a post for the beginning of 2010. I never published this post, but it was interesting to see how much i've progressed since 2010. how things have changed, not just in my life, but in the lives of many of the people around me.

i also noted how i only published 13 blog posts in the past year. that is just a little bit more than one per month (on average). that is sad. i should rectify that.

i find myself returning to this page over and over again, trying to think of something to write.


and every time my mind draws a blank. whether it's because i really have nothing to say, or i have nothing to share, i am unsure.


2011.


it's the last term of my second undergrad. not many people get to redo undergrad, and i've had this opportunity full out. I've had the chance to live out of home with other students, and study in libraries, and get to know classmates, and study HARD and do well. Not many people are lucky enough to go back and correct the mistakes of their past, and pave a new future.


"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become." - my big fat greek wedding

routine

i've been finding less and less time to sit down and really blog something that is thoughtful.

it's november 16. i'm still trying to figure out where my time has gone, and why i feel like i haven't accomplished all the things i had wanted to finish by the end of this term. now with 7 days of 'classes' left (5 days of clinical, 2 days of PBL), i feel the end of my second to last semester ending, and i'm not really sure how to swallow that.

however, something else really sprung into my thought about myself.

random fact #2:
i am a little OCD about things. after a really difficult day, or if i really feel stressed and don't want to do anything, i sit down with my excel file and sort out my budget/finances. i know it's such a dorky thing to do, but when at the end, it balance, it feels so satisfying! there's a sense of accomplishing something, and i resume control. 


aside from this random quirk, i also realized i've fallen into a life of routine.

every night before clinical, at 9pm, i set out my clothes/scrubs for the next day. i pack my lunch. i pack my bag. recently i've added a grab my coat, and stuff the coat pockets with my keys, my bus pass and my gloves. and routinely, i attempt to sleep at 10pm, and usually there until i fall asleep at 11pm.

the next morning, i'll 'wake up' at 5:35am, snooze until 5:40am (i've adjusted this, i used to set my first alarm for 5:30am, but i never woke up until 5:40 anyway!) then get up, brush my teeth in my room (to keep the sound to a minimum), grab my lunch from the fridge, and dash out the house somewhere between 5:55am and 5:57am and walk 5 minutes to main street where i catch the bus that takes me to the second bus which takes me to the hospital. i get on the floor at 6:45am and start my day.

my clinical days are pretty set. get report, see patients take vitals, give morning meds. set up for breakfast, take break. wash up patients, take second vitals give second set of medication, set up for lunch, take lunch. check in on patients, fill out orders, do patient assessments, toilet patients, get patients up and walking, do charting, take dinner break. come back, make sure patients are up and eating, check for final meds before shift change, toilet one more time, make sure patients are comfortable, then give report.

bus rides home typically take about 40 minutes, with me arriving at home anywhere between 7:45pm and 9:00pm (one time i stayed on the ward until 8pm -.-) i cook a quick dinner, and repeat my ritual.

it's repetitive, but there's a sort of comfort in the repetitiveness. there's a sense of control, and a sense that as long as i pace myself, i can 'check off' the things i have to do, and i'll make it through the day.

even in my normal life, this happens. when i plan for my days 'off' (i.e. days i don't have clinical or don't have class) i have a list of to do items in the order i should do them, and i go through and check each one as it gets done.

Every two weekends, i go home, spend a crazy weekend split between my family, my close friends, and my boyfriend. check, check, check.

it's scary how robotic it's all become. sometimes it's easier not to feel, because then exhaustion sets in. loneliness and sadness set in. i've been trying really hard to find the balance - give myself quiet time. remember to call home. remember to call my friends or at least shoot them an email or a facebook message. but sometimes when i enter into my zone, i forget about all these things, and i begin to run on autopilot.

it's easier to find a place where you feel in control and hide there, then face all the things that are out of your control and have to deal with it with everyone watching.

moments

it's really easy to forget to pause in moments and enjoy them. i feel like someone has hit the fastforward button on life. life is passing me by, and i'm not taking time to slow down and take it in. a wedding. a birth. a friend's party. a day off. a sunny day. a strawberry banana milkshake.

but then, something happens. one second. the prick of a finger. and instantly things change. you forget why you want to be done school so fast. you forget why you want to grow up. you just forget to keep moving. you just sit on the toilet and think... what if? what if this was it? what if all i get is 24 years? what if.

am i taking the time that's been given to me and using it well? am i focusing on titles and talents? or am i making testimonies? Will i only be remembered as a nurse? as a person who was good with numbers? as that asian girl with glasses?

or will people have stories to tell about me. about how i touched their lives. if a computer spits out a piece of paper that tells me my fate, have i done enough with my life, that i could look back and smile because i lived it the way i wanted?

these are the moments.

new foods :)

spaghetti squash :)

Cold stone creamery: coffee ice cream with roasted almonds!

ahhhhhh

on reflections: loving green.

i'm currently on the verge of finishing my 3rd term of nursing, i have less than a year before i emerge from school as a full-fledged RN.

it's weird. i'm unsure whether it's nursing, or if it's mcmaster, but i feel the past 10 months have been the most in my entire university career that i've spent, FORCED, to reflect on myself.

the RNAO best practice guidelines teaches nurses that in order to be a good nurse and perform proper, appropriate therapeutic communication a nurse must know themselves well, where their values and beliefs lie, and be comfortable with themselves. it's only when a nurse reaches this point can they reach out to others fully. this makes sense right? if you can't even love yourself how can you love others?

this last point is something i've always struggled with - loving myself. but with all this reflecting i've had to do, i think there's been more and more time to learn things about myself. i thought i would be afraid of what i'd find, and want to turn away from it, but it's been absolutely liberating.

i think my entire life i spent being who i thought i should be. Because of this, i created a person that i thought people expected me to be. that doesn't make that person i 'made up' any less 'me', but at the same time there were a lot of things i didn't let myself define. and discovering some of these things for the first time are exhilirating. even if it's something simple, i feel like i'm learning about myself... and then learning to love those parts of myself.

random fact #1: my favourite colour is green. 
i used to tell everyone my favourite colour was blue because my sister said her favourite colour was blue. i used to also say i liked yellow because well i wanted people to perceive me as a happy person. i DO like blue (this whole blog is blue -.-) and i do like yellow (it's quite a happy colour), but i think i'm naturally drawn to green. i'm still unsure whether if this is because it has such a natural feel to it, or whether it's like this one book told me that green is a representation of 'life', and because i'm naturally drawn to green, i'm naturally drawn to life. It's also said that green is the universal healing colour as it soothes the eyes and calms the nerves.
either way, i now know i CHOOSE to love green.

day off

i've been so exhausted
it's weird because this past week i really only had 2 days of school, yet somehow each time i have clinical, and each day i AM in school it tires me out.
i feel so exhausted. emotionally, spiritually, physically. So i took today (and yesterday night) off.
I spent the day:

• sleeping.
• I woke up at 7am, and decided nahhh it's too early! and slept until 11:30. I ate a bowl of cereal. watched 'so you think you can dance'. then went back to sleep. woke up at 4pm
• cleaning
• i decided my house was too dirty. so i swept and mopped the kitchen, washroom and my room. 
• grocery shopping
• i was out of veggies and fruits and milk and juice so i went and bought some
• why are the best foods so expensive??? i spent 10$ on cherries today >.<
• running
• that's right! i went for a run. I decided to visit the aviary up near my old place. it was closed, but i walked around the park in the area and heard the many birds chirping (and squawking). definitely somewhere i want to visit before i graduate.
• listening to music
• while running while cleaning. just enjoying my tunes.

I thought after all that i should get SOME work in, so i ended off the day catching up on work. 

On i side a note: i saw my first fireflies today.


"The best cure for an off day, is an day off"

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving 
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here 
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

it's very difficult living a life of complacency.
that seems like a very contradictory statement, since the concept of complacency is being lazy, and so how can being lazy be tiring, be difficult, be frustrating?

because though at certain times, you feel like there's not a care in the world, it's when life suddenly smacks you in the face do you realize how far behind you are, and there is very little hope of catching up.

it sucks living a life where i feel like such an underachiever. what happened? i had such big dreams, wanted to do such BIG things, and i feel like i'm stuck inside this rut... and i'm dying to get out, but i'm afraid that i can't shake the laziness that i've gotten so accustomed to these past few years.

it's especially frustrating when you know that there are certain things that IF ONLY you do them... IF ONLY you DID them... you would've gotten so much further.

it just feels like one of those days where the world is winning 1st place ribbons and all i get is a white participant one.

i first met Charlie on January 28, 2010.

it was my first clinical placement as a nurse, and i was scared out of my mind. I was told to shadow this one PSW who had 6 people to see that morning before breakfast. we took off from the nursing station around 7am, and had to have 6 people, woken up, bathed, dressed, and toileted before 8am. 

the first patient i ever met was Charlie, and he was awake when we came in, smiling a toothless smile at us greeting us with a 'good morning ladies!' 

I learned how to do my first bed bath, change my first brief. He told me that he wanted a pink shirt... do you know why? because "even though 10 years ago pink shirts were not 'in' for men... they are now!"

My first day flying solo, he was the patient i chose. I learned about his meds, his diagnoses. I learned about his care plan, so that I would make sure his needs were met. He was my patient for 3 weeks. He taught me what was 'right' when i made a mistake - like bringing his teeth in the cleaning solution is wrong: you need to rinse them off with water first! We chatted about his 97th birthday party, how he used to be a phramacist. He showed me pictures of himself when he was young (and very good looking!)

And even as the term wore on, i went back to check on him, see how he was, when he needed help, i tried to offer it to him. He allowed me to perform my first real cardiac assessment on him. We did a mini-mental assessment on him, which, during the writing portion, wrote that "I love you all". 

Today began on a sombre note. I walked into the nursing station, 7am. 2 months from when i first met Charlie, and was told that he passed away yesterday of a heart attack.

working in long term care is difficult. it means a lot of humility. it means realizing you are never 'too good' to wipe someone's bum, to clean up after them, to feed them, to help them get ready, to take a walk with them, to chat with them, to sit down, and hold their hand when they are scared. it means facing death.

one of my residents today woke up and decided she didn't want to go to breakfast. Turns out she had an extremely high blood pressure, and she grasps my hand and with a frightened look on her face asks me: "I'm going to die aren't I? I'm so scared... Am i going to die?" 

long term care... is sad.

but long term care... can be filled with joyful, and such rewarding moments too.

another resident of mine spends a lot of time in the washroom, and today she told me to sit down (in her wheelchair) to have a chat while she was on the toilet. We talked about her children. My children (or lack thereof). We talked about how all the people at this nursing home are great and take care of her. She tells me that i'm too gentle and that i need to be more rough sometimes. We talked, she laughed. We laughed together. 

my day ended with me chatting with a patient that my classmates were dressing a wound for. He was in pain. He is completely blind and almost 99% deaf. But he started talking when he knew we were there, perhaps to take his mind off the pain. And then he broke into song. He sang- no he BELLOWED a hymn. It was beautiful. He started to seranade us, then when he realized we were 'too young' to recognize the song, he decided it would be a good idea to yodel. i'm pretty sure i was laughing so hard i was crying. And he laughed along with me. 

it's hard to believe that i've been doing this for 2 months now. it's important for me to remember the good stuff... and the bad. the sad stuff, and the stuff that made me laugh until i cried. it's all this stuff that makes my future job so.... fun. 

it's.... life - the good AND the bad.

slow down, you crazy child

Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me, Why are you still so afraid?

i told myself to walk home today instead of taking the bus (though taking the bus takes... 2 minutes... walking only takes... 7 =P). But as i was walking home, i couldn't bring myself to take nice slow steps and appreciate and soak in the sun.
i've been is such a hurry and so busy the past few weeks, reminding myself of next steps, that i've forgotten how to slow down and enjoy.

even as i was spending time reflecting on the past few days, i had my reflecting was interrupted by thoughts of what to do next, and when i get home i should grab the garbage cans as i go in so i can save time. all my time and thoughts are devoted to efficiency and what's the fastest way to do everything. Everything is dictated by some sort of timeline, some sort of 'to do list'. Though i agree this can be beneficial, i think these things cause me to deprive myself of simple joys. Even in that simple thought of bringing in the garbage as i go in, i deprive myself of the extra sunshine i get when i go out for a second time to grab them. I increase my screen time and 'busy work' time that i don't allow myself to breathe.

i realize for me, keeping busy, running away  -those are all mechanisms that help me to cope. 'why are you still so afraid'. i think i'm afraid of the thoughts and the feelings that would come if i just stopped to think about them. busy-ness is a cover, it's a handle to hold on to, it's a safety blanket. as long as i have inertia i can keep moving. but the minute i stop... the minute i really think and really let myself feel... then i'm afraid i won't be able to get myself going again.

but i will draw wisdom from my good friend Morrie.
“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being attached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

i've used this quote so often, but it still reminds me that... it's okay to feel broken. it's okay to feel pain. it's okay to cry. it's okay to reflect and think about what you think about things. it's okay to despise change. but it's when you FULLY feel these emotions, and let these things pass through you, can you say that you have experienced it, and can let go and detach from it. in slowing down and facing the stuff you dread most... that's when you can really overcome it. the more you hide from it, the more you run... the more these things will have a power over you.

Slow down, you crazy child, and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile, 
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?

on 'me me me'

over the past few weeks we've had a few clinical training sessions where we're taught to look at things in new perspectives and taught how to 'be a nurse'.

one particular session stuck out to me. we were talking about new perspectives, and how we can look at any given situation and 'twist' it so that it becomes something positive. as people would say - it's all about attitude.

the question was 'WHY is this opportunity for long term care in my life right now?'
many people in the class looked at this question and thought 'well i need to take it to pass'... others started thinking 'outside the box' and thought of some 'philosophical' reason - 'so i can gain a better understanding of an elderly population', 'so i can learn to care for a wide-range of people', etc. etc.

one thing that irked me about this whole thing was... nobody ever fully switched the perspectives. how about: 'because there is an aging population and they need people to care for them' or 'to provide care for people who are often overlooked' or 'because there is a shortage of workers in the ltc field, and they need the help'.

it made me realize how much of a self involved world i live in. the answers i came up with were, 'so i could practice my clinical skills, 'so i could determine whether ltc was in my future', 'so i could move forward in my education', 'so the older population can teach ME'... me me me me. the only person that gains is ME

it's easy to think outside the box but still look at things from my own lens. sure there's a shift in attitude. instead of 'necessity', it became an 'opportunity'. but what happened to thinking outward? what happened to thinking about the people around me?

am i in the nursing profession so that i can gain? so that i can have a steady job? so that *i* can change the world?

or am i in this because people are hurting. because people need to be cared for. because people are waiting. because PEOPLE need help?

am i here to help myself? or here to help those who can't help themselves?

when i ran for committee a few years ago, i had come fresh out of l'arche arnprior, and i still remember that my vision... what i felt i could do on committee -  was to mobilize people. not to take their ideas and implement them. but to help THEM realize their passion and give them the resources to fulfill that passion.

living there reminded me that yes there are 'easier' more 'efficient' ways to do things. but that's not what people want. people don't want a quick fix. people don't want someone to just do things because it's faster. people want to be supported, encouraged, respected, LOVED. if i brush someone's teeth for them it might be faster, but it degrades them, making them feel incapable. yes, the alternative takes up my time; standing there reminding them to brush their gums, and to gurgle the water way back, and not to miss any spots.

but isn't that the point? i am here to give my time. it's not an obligation. it's an opportunity. it's an HONOUR.

it's time to stop looking inside. How can i help YOU?

there's no audience watching, cheering for the poor tortured heroine

no one rooting for her to meet her happy ending and her prince charming

there's just life. there's decisions.

there's no 'right' answer, just what you choose to do with what's given to you.

and at the end of it all. it's not a point system. there's no reward for sucking it up and living with pain and wounds and hurts. at the end of it all, it's whether you chose to stand up and still love in spite of it all.

this is probably the most difficult i've had to make in nursing so far.

what colour?!

please help me.

on defying gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

i think i've become a gleek.... =p