sometimes there's something that you know is true... but just.... don't really want to believe.... but then once you actually hear it from someone, there's no hiding from it anymore.

and then there's that gut-wrenching pain where the reality of the situation hits you like a wave, and leaves you flat on your back and completely breathless. You're lying there wondering why, this has to be true.

It's like waking up from a dream relieved and thinking, it's only a dream, only to come to the realization it's not, and all you want to do is go back to sleep and pretend that reality doesn't exist anymore.

but the thing is, it does.
and all you can do is rub your eyes, and stretch.
then smile.

my wish for you

as grad dinner came to a close, i don't think it really hit me that some of these people are leaving.
i think my initial hope for the night was just that these people, these people who mean so much to me will feel appreciated - just as they should be. Not necessarily because they've made huge world changes... but because of the things they've done to slowly help shape MY life, and how they've encouraged me to grow and become who i am throughout the past 4 years i've been here.

there's a lot that i could say... after listening to countless grad interviews, pouring over the many pictures and endless memories.... but i will leave the grads with this song... and it truly is, my wish for you. (i know i've coped out the past couple blogs and just posted song lyrics... but... sometimes a song just says it so much better)

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

so small

jasy introduced to me this song awhile back... and i just can't stop listening to it


What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

standing

i still remember the feeling when i first started skating again after not skating for so long. I remember i kept telling myself that it was easy, that I used to be able to do this. But as i put my foot on the ice, my ankle started wobbling and i quickly withdrew my foot so i could tie my skate tighter, or i could grab an extra pair of gloves, any silly excuse to prevent me from falling flat on my face, and embarassing myself, because i told people that i already knew how to skate.

but eventually, i had to try again, and after enough tightenings and grabbing missed pieces of equipment i just had to do it. I had to walk on to that ice and -- fall.

Getting back up on the ice when you're just not sure on your feet, it's hard. I felt like staying down... and i really believed that if people came to my aid and held my hands and pulled me up would help keep me standing. Using my hockey stick as a crutch, it was easy to just rely on it when i skated. My third leg to keep me standing.

But then I fall again. Even with all the support. Even with all my crutches, i just fall. And it's so discouraging because I thought that these things, these people are supposed to keep me up, keep me standing.

I think i do that a lot with my life. There's so many people and so many things that i hold onto, and i use as a crutch because i don't trust my own ankles to hold me up. I'm afraid to fall on my own, for fear of not being able to get up by myself . Because i'm constantly leaning on other people, i am beginning to forget what it's like to stand on my own two feet. It's not that other people aren't great. That things aren't great. They are. But maybe they're not so great if i feel like i'm crippled without them.

i don't remember how long it took me, but i do remember going to a freeskate, with no one i knew around me and just getting onto the ice and just going. I did fall. But i got back up. No hockey stick, no people to help me. And i remember thinking "hey, this isn't so hard. Maybe i can do this on my own". Since then every fall is less of a disappointment. Every time i get on the ice i have more confidence.

I want to be able to look at myself and say the same thing. "...hey, life isn't so hard. maybe i have what it takes to keep standing..."

i hate the sinking feeling i get when i am reminded that i am not good enough, not worthy of something, may it be a job, a relationship, a course, anything.

i hate the feeling because it's this idea that i feel that i am defeated, that i am starting to believe that who i am is not good enough to be something. And that my self worth is dependent on what another person thinks. That in order to get what i want, i need to be something different than who i am.

the sinking feeling always settles in and i wallow in my own self pity because i think that's the only thing i can do as such a defeated creature.

but lately... though these sinking feelings still settle in, within a few minutes they disappear, because somehow, even though the pressure is still there, i can slowly begin to find self assurance that hey, who i am is not perfect, but i'm working to change it. If my friends, or an employer or professor cannot recognize my slow climb to improve... then i can't do anything more about it. I am trying to change. If they choose not to see that, and if who i am is not good enough, then... i cannot convince them otherwise. the only thing i CAN do is believe that who i am is okay. That where i'm headed is the right direction for ME.

"God made me and God doesn't make mistakes"

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, "daughter" and "son"
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

... break out the cheese...

i'm sitting at an almost empty SLC 3rd floor study room... feeling slightly unhappy.

too many things to think about...

but i proceed to open my lunch, and i remember that my dad gave me grapes. i have a few... they're not that great. Open my bagel with ham... and several slices of Brie Cheese.

I then get the best idea ever. If cheese and wine tastes so good....


Grapes + cheese = fusion of flavour. I now understand how remy must've felt when he mixed flavours with all the swirly lines and stuff.



When life gives you sour grapes... break out the cheese.
Maybe it's not about what you're given... but what you choose to do with it.

Friends

so as people are declaring they are going to give up MSN/Gchat/Facebook for lent.. i'm thinking about the thing that sucks up the most of my time... and i've discovered what it is.

Friends.

no, not real life friends. I'm talking about Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Rachel and Ross. These 6 have occupied my time and attention a little bit every day, and i feel, that it's adding up. They are too demanding. And i can't stop myself. I think I'm addicted.

for those who know me, they know i am obsessed with this show... and even for those that know me, you may not know that i watch this show every day. On my computer. and it plays on the background as i go to sleep.

so, i've officially decided to give up Friends for lent

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

....

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

(taken from All i Need is You - Hillsongs United and You found me - Kelly Clarkson)

2 starbucks coffees + 2 best friends = 4 hours of chatting



sometimes, all you need is starbucks and a good friend to make everything else (including time -_-) disappear

integrity

I remember having many conversations on this topic in first year... what (would) make me a person on integrity? what do i have to change in order to be someone that has integrity?

After the William's ordeal, my parents had stories on stories that they told that show how much the new people seemed to hate on my parents. In my own head i was wracking my brain trying to figure out what we could maybe do to make amends, to try and make them not so angry at us. It's my nature to do something like that. I am a people pleaser. If anyone doesn't like me, i can't stand it. But then i realized something. My search for integrity had reached its first stepping stone.

There's a common quote that says: "integrity is who you are, how you act when no one is watching". Though i've heard it many times, its never really meant anything to me until that moment. It's not just the idea of what you do when you're alone in your room. It's what would you do if there was no one else in the world who paid attention to you.

In my world, where what people think matter SO much, i think i would've done ANYTHING to change the mind of these people; that our family was a good family who ran a good business for 10 years. But as i came to the slow realization that doing anything doesn't make me have integrity. It makes me someone who is willing to even do the wrong thing to make someone like me, think highly of me. What people choose to think of us, I have no control over. It's as simple as that.

In the end, i told my parents "don't worry... in the end, no matter what they think of us, it doesn't matter. If we can look back on this ordeal and KNOW we did the right thing, did it with as much humility, and as much grace as we could muster, then whatever they think, that is their misconception, not our wrongdoing."

Still after telling my parents that, i haven't been able to grasp that concept in my own life. I still parade around living for other people, acting like i would to ensure that people would like me for what i do. It's gotten to the point where i've allowed myself to be a puppet; the puppeteers are my peers and my family, because i LET them be. I hang onto their every word, do what everyone tells me to do because i don't want to step on any toes. In a sense, i don't think there would be much of 'me' that would exist without the presence of other people.

You can tell who a person is, by who they have as their 'enemies'. What happens with a person who doesn't really have any enemies? Living a life where you have no enemies, doesn't it just show there's nothing that you're PASSIONATE enough for that you would try and fight for it? Doesn't it show that you are a pushover and are willing to adapt anyone's beliefs to your own just so they don't dislike you/think you're weird?

*snap out of it. I want to be a person of integrity.

'all-you-can-eat'

For the past two months i believe i have been to an 'all-you-can-eat place at least...10 times. In the coming week alone, i will be going to two places, last week i went THREE times.

The thing about all you can eat, is that i always completely stuff myself. Why? because you always have to eat your 'money's worth'.

Oddly enough, i'd think that eating so many buffets would stretch my stomach making me someone that is harder to feed. But it hasn't changed anything. It's like something in my head 'clicks' when i go to a buffet, and i am just 'able' to eat a lot. I went to hot pot on saturday and i was NOT full! even after everyone else at my table was done, I was still not full!! same with sushi dinner last week. i think that i helped people polish off all their orders and STILL by the end of the night i could go home and eat ice cream. But today for lunch, i was SO FULL i could not finish my bowl of congee (ONE bowl!)

this is my theory: I'm weird. Either that, or by the end of the Christmas season (and this term) i will have gained 50 lbs.

tomorrow Ye's, Friday King's buffet *yum*

the helpless hero

ever since i was a kid, i had a tendency to have dreams where i was always the hero. The hero that saved a girl from drowning, the hero that made sure a town did not get buried in an avalanche, the hero that sacrificed their own life so that their friends wouldn't die.

but as suddenly as i was the hero, i was the victim. I became the person that people rushed to the hospital to save the life of, i was the one that would clutch my friends hands and tell them not to worry about me and to save their own lives

it's all a bit ridiculous. i remember in each of those dreams, it was always a struggle to determine whether i wanted to drop from the hero to the damsel in distress, or become one of those rugged heroes that could always walk out of any act of heroism unharmed.

it's a tiresome chore, floating back and forth between being a hero and being someone who needed someone to take care of them. It was very easy to see where the dreams come from.

In my life, it's always been a struggle to choose whether to stay strong and push through trials and come out the hero of all situations, the hero of my life. To be the invincible warrior who made it through all that stuff and lived to talk about it. But then there's always the little part of me that loves being cared about... being hurt so that i had scar to show for all the stuff i go through. And in desiring that care, i no longer am the hero that can make it through anything, but am the helpless hero, who parades as invincible but secretly is just longing for someone to save me from life...

perhaps what the dreams are telling me is that being a hero is not as glorifying as i think; that its impossible to go through life without tripping and falling once in awhile needing someone's help. That somewhere between hero and victim is where i will find myself and be fulfilled. I don't need to save the world. i don't need to be on my deathbed. that to be me, just me, neither extra-ordinary or under-ordinary... that being just plain old me, would help me live a much less tiresome life

"run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up"
- dean karnazes, runner

note to self: .NEVER. GIVE.UP.

frustrated

when you pour time and effort into something sometimes you hope to reap rewards. or not necessarily rewards... but response.

Sometimes i need reassurance telling me that i'm not doing something wrong, or that i'm not some complete idiot. Maybe that makes me insecure... and i guess maybe that's what i am.

but a lot of the time, i never get that response... i feel as though all that time and effort was wasted. what's the point? Things can run on their own, what is my role, my impact at all?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
~Galatians 6:9-10~

why is it so hard?
i'm just so frustrated there's so many more things that i can commit my time and effort to... why can't i just give up?

i can't wait until i can climb into a hole and just sleep... and forget about everyone else

i was watching full house the other day.... and one of the episodes i watched was talking about DJ's first boyfriend... and... and he only 'dated' her because he could get help with his homework, and in the end, choosing to sit with cathy santoni because she's "pretty".... DJ then proceeded to hide in her room crying....

the three guys (danny, uncle jesse and joey) try to tell DJ the story of the 'ugly duckling' and it made DJ even MORE upset because 'she never thought she was ugly, she thought she was just not as pretty... and NOW she's ugly!!!'... becky (uncle jesse's soon-to be wife) annnd yells at the boys and tells them to go away, and says she'll talk to DJ herself...

so she does. one of the things she said her mom said to her was something along the lines of... "don't worry what anyone thinks of you... you just be the best becky you can be... then she made me stand and list all the good things about me..."

every since i've been young i think there is an incredible urge to compare myself to other people. Everyone else seemed better and it was such a struggle for me to determine what *i* was best at.

i think watching that episode reminded me that... there's a reason to why i am the way i am. no matter how great the next person is, or how much 'better'... i'm me for a reason, and all i can do is be the best 'joanna' i can be...




but sometimes i wonder is the best joanna is good enough...?

"little black book"

the first time i watched this movie i hated it. like HATED it. thought it was retarded a huge waste of my time. i did however enjoy the fact that *spoiler alert* that the 'girl' didn't get her 'prince' at the end, but it was still a 'happy' ending.

But... some 4 years later (or so) i watch this movie again and though still not the 'best' movie i've seen (far from it)... but some of the things they say really resonate in me, and i just needed to write them down:

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end...           
... we don't.
Perhaps luck exists somewhere between...the world of planning, the world of chance...
and in the peace that comes from knowing...that you just can't know it all.
You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up...
... right where you belong.

Bean: John Lennon said, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans."
Stacy:  Then he got shot.
Bean: Right.You just gotta live.
Stop planning your moves.
Let them happen. I mean, you might be surprised.

Life... happens. When time flies by, because you're so busy planning everything. You're so positive that your happy ending is supposed to happen in a specific way at a specific time with a specific person/specific people. You expect certain things to happen to you because that's how you imagined your happy ending in a particular way/form. But in the end... its when you let go of the wheel, and you just LIVE, and you stop planning everything... that you might be surprised where you end up, and that's where you TRULY find your 'happy ending'.

How does a girl fall down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos...come out the other end unchanged?
the answer? She doesn't.

My life is OBVIOUSLY not that dramatic. But how can you go through life and NOT change?
When your life falls into what APPEARS to be chaos, how can you not come out the other end looking at everything differently?

break

sometimes its just necessary to take a break from things and just... set aside the things that you worry about, that you need to do, that you just can't stop thinking about.

for me, i think i find it very difficult to find a "break". i can never seem to grasp the concept of letting go of something. The thought is constantly plaguing my mind, and its as if there's nothing i can do about it, except wallow until finally the pervasive thought leaves my mind (which is usually not for a long time)

but oddly, yesterday when i think this 'break' was necessary, it came... easily.

sports have often been my release. Whether it was rugby in high school, hockey earlier in my university career, or softball this summer... it has always been a time where i can take my frustrations out on an item and not physically cause [too much] damage to another human being.

This summer, softball has been a Godsend. it allowed me much time away from my lonely apartment to spend weekends with many familiar faces. It helped remind me that i was not old enough to learn a new sport, and continue to improve in it... it allowed me to meet new friends and see old ones that i haven't seen for a long time...

and last night, spending one last night with this group of people reminded me that God didn't leave me "high and dry" with no way to exert my frustrations. That for me, there WAS escape, even when i didn't realize it. That there was always a way of letting things go..... just like in most sports... you screw up one play... you can't let that one play screw up the whole game. Sure, you miss a popfly... but so what? catch the next one (and make it look good)
you have to let GO of things... and you can't think short term.... you can't give in to one thing that could potentially ruin your entire game.

as i stare out my window i continue to wonder where this term has gone... and why i didn't enjoy some things, like softball as much as i should've :)

funny... lately things have been going a bit crazy ever since i stopped playing softball... the whole beginning of the summer was so relaxing and chill... then once the season ended chaos ensued.
maybe its a sign that i need to quit school and go into sports full time or something... for the sake of my sanity

chicken salad sandwich

so the building i work in is in a bunch of buildings with cafeterias scattered among some of the high rises.
for the first 3 months of my work term here i've been going to the cafeteria that was closer... their food there is okay, and is pretty cheap (i can get a soup and salad for... 4$?) so when i didn't bring a lunch i would go there.
lately i've been afraid to go there because the man there is quite scary. He's done things like feel my coworkers biceps, introduce me to his son (yes he is that old) then check me out... all in all he's a nice man, just a few creepy tendencies.

aside from this, this cafe sold BAD TURKEY BREAST to my coworker about two weeks ago. I'm sure it was an accident, and maybe was just a BIT different tasting, but none the less, it tasted weird in her tiny sandwich. She ended up having a lettuce tomato sandwich.

So... just last week, i decided to try the OTHER cafeteria in our set of buildings... "sweet rosie's".
I just about DIED
the decor on that side was so nice. it was like a fancy cafe with nice couches, it was clean and it was just... a very nice looking place.
I decided to order the 'chicken salad sandwich' because i had heard good things.
let me explain to you this sandwich:
it is made with two pieces of fresh, homemade bread.
FRESH, HOMEMADE bread.
these slices are lightly buttered and spread with mayo. Topped off with some lettuce about 3 tomatoes with pepper sprinkled on top. The lettuce is not soggy and does not soak into the bread. It makes the sandwich taste "crisp" just as lettuce should
the chicken salad is made with REAL CHICKEN. thick squares of juicy chicken breast marinated with something yummy and mixed with mayonnaise... not to mention they put.... like SIX scoops of chicken salad. its massive.

presentation is important too. the sandwich is cut from corner to corner into triangles.

all this for 4$ how can you go wrong?

printer woes

for the entire day today (and part of yesterday) our printer in the office wasn't working. this poses a problem because we print thousands and thousands of pages of documents, pictures, reports, maps, emails, tickets, receipts every single day.

and the entire day today, we couldn't get it to work.

so about 5 minutes ago, my coworker calls one of the guys and says:
"i know its not your problem, but our printer is broken and we don't know what to do. we took it apart yesterday and it still doesn't work."

meanwhile, i am walking over to the printer determined to fix the printer after all its stupidity.
i pull out the print cartridge and the paper tray. nope nothing stuck. check the light again and the stupid orange light was still there. i finally get fed up and turn off the printer.
a second later i turn it back on, and the orange light is gone.
i ask my coworker to try to print something... and lo and behold... it worked!!

arms raised i yell "i'm a genuis" then proceed back to my seat, my coworkers amazed at my geniusness.

we tried to call back the guy that was supposed to come help us, but his line was busy. we figure, it's okay we'll call him later with the news of my awesome control over technology.

finally we reach him. "... i'll come over and formally fix your printer later. pretty much what happened was your wires were crossed and the printing was feeding over to our printers over here so that's why you never got your print outs. i'll come over later to check...."

i'm hiding behind the back of my chair trying not to laugh at my own stupidity :P

tech guy = 1 Joanna = 0