summer reading

a walk in the park

honda family :)

button bouquet

Few things make a rainy day better except catch-up times with old friends and a colourful bouquet.

last meal

jon's last meal before removing his wisdom teeth. get better soon :(

8 glasses a day

crossword addict

bridesmaids

A few of us decided to go watch this movie yesterday - no expectations, just heard it'd be a funny movie. we laughed our way through the entire movie. there was just something about it, though absolutely ridiculous, that really touched somewhere close to home.

it's easy to hit rock bottom, and to be honest, when you do, there's nothing funny about it. There were so many parts of the movie where i wanted to hide my face and peek through my fingers and wish that it was over. the lead (Annie) just kept having bad thing after bad thing happen to her, and you just can't help but wonder WHY things suck so much.

there's a particular scene in this movie that asked an important question: are you willing to fight for your life?

It's so easy to join this pity party and just want things to get better. just... as instantly as things got worse, you wish for it to get better. But as in almost every chick flick, this never happens. things don't just get better, the main character has to turn around and fight for things to get better. there needs to be a change in attitude, a change in themselves

it's easy for me in my life to look at all the crap that's going on and wonder why i don't have a job yet, why i didn't get into the school i wanted for the program i wanted, why i'm not making more money, why bad things happen to me, why i don't have more friends. But what the heck am i going to do about it?

Sitting here in my butt and just wishing things to get better sure won't make things get better. Sometimes all it takes is getting back up when people reject you. sometimes it takes a lot more than that. sometimes people just keep pushing you down, or keep 'topping' you no matter what you do. but am i willing to fight for myself?

i sure hope so.

on finding the perfect job

I was at Hamilton Public Library the other day choosing movies to watch with a friend and came across the movie "Post-Grad" (2009). I knew it was gonna be a silly, predictable movie, with not much of a plotline, but i figured - hey, this is gonna be me! i should watch it for kicks.


So i did. and it was a predictable, silly movie. However, there were a few things in it that did manage to catch my attention that I felt i really should remember as i official become a graduate. 


"What you do with your life is just one-half of the equation more importantly it's who you're with when you're doing it." 
Having achievements isn't really that fulfilling - it's only fulfilling when you have someone to brag to about it =p But it's true. having all these degrees or credentials after your name really mean nothing if no one cares. Sure, I know that YOU care, and getting achievements may be a self-satisfying thing, but having no one to talk to about successes and failures, makes life and work really difficult. Trying to find the balance between finding a good work-life balance is important. 

"you were so focused on looking for the perfect job you forgot to live your life"

I think I'm the type to be in danger of doing something like this. It's really easy for me to zone in on school or work and just forget all the frills. I forget to enjoy my last few days in Hamilton because i'm so busy cramming for my national exam. I've missed out on so much this term including hanging out with friends because i just don't make time. I'd rather study, or do more clinical days. I want to get ahead, and i want this amazing job, that i forget that sometimes it's not the job that makes the person, it's the person that makes the job. 

post-grad

I've actually made it.

Sure, there's still a few loose ends to tie up (final evaluations and actual submission of marks) but i'm officially made it through my second undergrad.

7 years of school and i'm finally at the end of the road as a student. It's strange, and exciting all at once, and because i'm still studying for my RN exam, it still feels surreal. I'm starting to apply for REAL jobs too, and that feels strangely familiar, but at the same time new and frightening. There seems to be a lot riding on this first job.

there's been a lot more other thoughts floating inside my head but it's been a bit of a transition and hopefully, slowly but surely I will get things out into words.

But here i come. Joanna Wu BScN, BSc.

housemates

One thing i never had the luxury of experiencing at uw was the joy of housemates.

Sure, during co-op terms, i've had a roommate or two, all of which i've loved spending time with. But i've never lived with a big group of students who have nothing really much in common except maybe mutual friends and the fact that we are all students.

i've been so lucky.

Before I came to mcmaster, i really thought my whole experience would be awful.  I remember recounting to my close friends 'i'm living with SEVEN GIRLS', and seeing the horrified looks on their faces thinking about all the drama that was going to spring up. 8 girls (including myself) sharing 2 showers/washrooms. scary.

But at the end of year 1, i found so much comfort in the creaky old house i lived in. i really only remember the happy memories of friends made, the late night conversations, and the belly aching laughs that make me still miss our old sterling house. the only negative memory i remember is the bacon at 3am. but that's a story for a different day.

Then beginning year 2, it was a crazy transition, moving into a house that was co-ed with 15 people, with the lack of a/c (and now realizing the lack of heat), sleeping with my head beside the shower, the wonky internet, the mice, the maggots. all that. But even with that, what warms my heart now and what will make me miss emerson is not all this crazy logistics, but the fun times i had with these people fighting over the stove, playing dutch blitz, playing jungle speed, prayer meetings, randomness at 2am, the teasing, the mocking, the "Friends" trivia.

Yesterday I almost teared up (though so many things make me tear up these days) because of acts of kindness my housemates demonstrate to each other. The lengths some of my housemates were willing to go  to back up someone else in the house just rendered me speechless. It's these unbelievable acts that remind me how great it is to be part of these houses.

i will miss you housemates. it's been a great 2 years :)

valentine's day 2011

Aside from a surprise visit (more to visit because i was 'down' not because of valentine's day), i kept the day fairly simple.

after coming off of a night shift, i slept most of the day away. however, thought it'd be fun to leave some treats for some of my girl friends. i mean who can say no to chocolate and strawberries??

then as a surprise to me, my housemate decided to donate some vday flowers to make my room a bit more colourful.

happy 'delayed' vday everyone! whether you spent it with that 'special someone' or with a bunch of girlfriends, or even on your own, i hope the day was full of fun and laughter and of course lots and lots of love.

i am scared of the future.

there. i said it. it's easy to hide behind the fake facades and stuff, but in the end, that's the reality. i like to pretend i've got my act together, and that the future is at my doorstep and i've got all these amazing opportunities in front of me - but really i'm just freaked out about how it's all gonna turn out, that i'm not even trying.

i can't help but feel like a failure for not already finding a job after finishing at Waterloo, and it's almost unbearable to think that i might choose the 'wrong option' when looking for a job now.

i am scared. but the future is coming whether i'd like it to or not, and i'm doing what i can to move forward and embrace this future.

My problem is that i care too much. I spend a lot of time thinking about what people think of me, and think of what I might do instead of just doing things.

Yes, holding public approval can be a good thing, but it's not the only thing.

Thinking about things that transpired over the holidays, and just at my whole life, I find myself being this middle man who is torn between 'doing what others perceive to be good/right' and what I perceive to be good/right. Sometimes they coincide, and in many situations they don't.

People have different beliefs, have different attitudes, perspectives, and because of that, there is often a difference in opinions. Because of my 'people-pleasing' nature, I'm more inclined to be stuck in the middle, whereas the other person can get away 'conscience-free'.

As a nurse, something we're constantly taught is to know where we stand, and be comfortable with our own beliefs. It's only at this point can we really treat people with beliefs different than ours. I think a lot of times we defend our own values/beliefs not necessarily because we want the other person to believe them, but we feel threatened that someone else may sway us - at best it's a defense mechanism.

Developing the confidence in knowing where I stand and what I believe is something that I've struggled with forever, and entering a profession where a lot of people are going to be different than me - it's daunting. All I can hope for is in these last few months of being a student, I can really question this, and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. To stop having 'bad days' because i felt ignored, or i felt someone was judging me. Ultimately, to be proud of who I am, and be confident in all the actions I carry out .

There's something extremely peaceful about ending a hectic night shift by walking through an empty campus with fresh snow falling at 8am.

i was browsing through old drafted blog posts, and there was a post for the beginning of 2010. I never published this post, but it was interesting to see how much i've progressed since 2010. how things have changed, not just in my life, but in the lives of many of the people around me.

i also noted how i only published 13 blog posts in the past year. that is just a little bit more than one per month (on average). that is sad. i should rectify that.

i find myself returning to this page over and over again, trying to think of something to write.


and every time my mind draws a blank. whether it's because i really have nothing to say, or i have nothing to share, i am unsure.


2011.


it's the last term of my second undergrad. not many people get to redo undergrad, and i've had this opportunity full out. I've had the chance to live out of home with other students, and study in libraries, and get to know classmates, and study HARD and do well. Not many people are lucky enough to go back and correct the mistakes of their past, and pave a new future.


"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become." - my big fat greek wedding

routine

i've been finding less and less time to sit down and really blog something that is thoughtful.

it's november 16. i'm still trying to figure out where my time has gone, and why i feel like i haven't accomplished all the things i had wanted to finish by the end of this term. now with 7 days of 'classes' left (5 days of clinical, 2 days of PBL), i feel the end of my second to last semester ending, and i'm not really sure how to swallow that.

however, something else really sprung into my thought about myself.

random fact #2:
i am a little OCD about things. after a really difficult day, or if i really feel stressed and don't want to do anything, i sit down with my excel file and sort out my budget/finances. i know it's such a dorky thing to do, but when at the end, it balance, it feels so satisfying! there's a sense of accomplishing something, and i resume control. 


aside from this random quirk, i also realized i've fallen into a life of routine.

every night before clinical, at 9pm, i set out my clothes/scrubs for the next day. i pack my lunch. i pack my bag. recently i've added a grab my coat, and stuff the coat pockets with my keys, my bus pass and my gloves. and routinely, i attempt to sleep at 10pm, and usually there until i fall asleep at 11pm.

the next morning, i'll 'wake up' at 5:35am, snooze until 5:40am (i've adjusted this, i used to set my first alarm for 5:30am, but i never woke up until 5:40 anyway!) then get up, brush my teeth in my room (to keep the sound to a minimum), grab my lunch from the fridge, and dash out the house somewhere between 5:55am and 5:57am and walk 5 minutes to main street where i catch the bus that takes me to the second bus which takes me to the hospital. i get on the floor at 6:45am and start my day.

my clinical days are pretty set. get report, see patients take vitals, give morning meds. set up for breakfast, take break. wash up patients, take second vitals give second set of medication, set up for lunch, take lunch. check in on patients, fill out orders, do patient assessments, toilet patients, get patients up and walking, do charting, take dinner break. come back, make sure patients are up and eating, check for final meds before shift change, toilet one more time, make sure patients are comfortable, then give report.

bus rides home typically take about 40 minutes, with me arriving at home anywhere between 7:45pm and 9:00pm (one time i stayed on the ward until 8pm -.-) i cook a quick dinner, and repeat my ritual.

it's repetitive, but there's a sort of comfort in the repetitiveness. there's a sense of control, and a sense that as long as i pace myself, i can 'check off' the things i have to do, and i'll make it through the day.

even in my normal life, this happens. when i plan for my days 'off' (i.e. days i don't have clinical or don't have class) i have a list of to do items in the order i should do them, and i go through and check each one as it gets done.

Every two weekends, i go home, spend a crazy weekend split between my family, my close friends, and my boyfriend. check, check, check.

it's scary how robotic it's all become. sometimes it's easier not to feel, because then exhaustion sets in. loneliness and sadness set in. i've been trying really hard to find the balance - give myself quiet time. remember to call home. remember to call my friends or at least shoot them an email or a facebook message. but sometimes when i enter into my zone, i forget about all these things, and i begin to run on autopilot.

it's easier to find a place where you feel in control and hide there, then face all the things that are out of your control and have to deal with it with everyone watching.

moments

it's really easy to forget to pause in moments and enjoy them. i feel like someone has hit the fastforward button on life. life is passing me by, and i'm not taking time to slow down and take it in. a wedding. a birth. a friend's party. a day off. a sunny day. a strawberry banana milkshake.

but then, something happens. one second. the prick of a finger. and instantly things change. you forget why you want to be done school so fast. you forget why you want to grow up. you just forget to keep moving. you just sit on the toilet and think... what if? what if this was it? what if all i get is 24 years? what if.

am i taking the time that's been given to me and using it well? am i focusing on titles and talents? or am i making testimonies? Will i only be remembered as a nurse? as a person who was good with numbers? as that asian girl with glasses?

or will people have stories to tell about me. about how i touched their lives. if a computer spits out a piece of paper that tells me my fate, have i done enough with my life, that i could look back and smile because i lived it the way i wanted?

these are the moments.

new foods :)

spaghetti squash :)

Cold stone creamery: coffee ice cream with roasted almonds!