integrity

I remember having many conversations on this topic in first year... what (would) make me a person on integrity? what do i have to change in order to be someone that has integrity?

After the William's ordeal, my parents had stories on stories that they told that show how much the new people seemed to hate on my parents. In my own head i was wracking my brain trying to figure out what we could maybe do to make amends, to try and make them not so angry at us. It's my nature to do something like that. I am a people pleaser. If anyone doesn't like me, i can't stand it. But then i realized something. My search for integrity had reached its first stepping stone.

There's a common quote that says: "integrity is who you are, how you act when no one is watching". Though i've heard it many times, its never really meant anything to me until that moment. It's not just the idea of what you do when you're alone in your room. It's what would you do if there was no one else in the world who paid attention to you.

In my world, where what people think matter SO much, i think i would've done ANYTHING to change the mind of these people; that our family was a good family who ran a good business for 10 years. But as i came to the slow realization that doing anything doesn't make me have integrity. It makes me someone who is willing to even do the wrong thing to make someone like me, think highly of me. What people choose to think of us, I have no control over. It's as simple as that.

In the end, i told my parents "don't worry... in the end, no matter what they think of us, it doesn't matter. If we can look back on this ordeal and KNOW we did the right thing, did it with as much humility, and as much grace as we could muster, then whatever they think, that is their misconception, not our wrongdoing."

Still after telling my parents that, i haven't been able to grasp that concept in my own life. I still parade around living for other people, acting like i would to ensure that people would like me for what i do. It's gotten to the point where i've allowed myself to be a puppet; the puppeteers are my peers and my family, because i LET them be. I hang onto their every word, do what everyone tells me to do because i don't want to step on any toes. In a sense, i don't think there would be much of 'me' that would exist without the presence of other people.

You can tell who a person is, by who they have as their 'enemies'. What happens with a person who doesn't really have any enemies? Living a life where you have no enemies, doesn't it just show there's nothing that you're PASSIONATE enough for that you would try and fight for it? Doesn't it show that you are a pushover and are willing to adapt anyone's beliefs to your own just so they don't dislike you/think you're weird?

*snap out of it. I want to be a person of integrity.

'all-you-can-eat'

For the past two months i believe i have been to an 'all-you-can-eat place at least...10 times. In the coming week alone, i will be going to two places, last week i went THREE times.

The thing about all you can eat, is that i always completely stuff myself. Why? because you always have to eat your 'money's worth'.

Oddly enough, i'd think that eating so many buffets would stretch my stomach making me someone that is harder to feed. But it hasn't changed anything. It's like something in my head 'clicks' when i go to a buffet, and i am just 'able' to eat a lot. I went to hot pot on saturday and i was NOT full! even after everyone else at my table was done, I was still not full!! same with sushi dinner last week. i think that i helped people polish off all their orders and STILL by the end of the night i could go home and eat ice cream. But today for lunch, i was SO FULL i could not finish my bowl of congee (ONE bowl!)

this is my theory: I'm weird. Either that, or by the end of the Christmas season (and this term) i will have gained 50 lbs.

tomorrow Ye's, Friday King's buffet *yum*

the helpless hero

ever since i was a kid, i had a tendency to have dreams where i was always the hero. The hero that saved a girl from drowning, the hero that made sure a town did not get buried in an avalanche, the hero that sacrificed their own life so that their friends wouldn't die.

but as suddenly as i was the hero, i was the victim. I became the person that people rushed to the hospital to save the life of, i was the one that would clutch my friends hands and tell them not to worry about me and to save their own lives

it's all a bit ridiculous. i remember in each of those dreams, it was always a struggle to determine whether i wanted to drop from the hero to the damsel in distress, or become one of those rugged heroes that could always walk out of any act of heroism unharmed.

it's a tiresome chore, floating back and forth between being a hero and being someone who needed someone to take care of them. It was very easy to see where the dreams come from.

In my life, it's always been a struggle to choose whether to stay strong and push through trials and come out the hero of all situations, the hero of my life. To be the invincible warrior who made it through all that stuff and lived to talk about it. But then there's always the little part of me that loves being cared about... being hurt so that i had scar to show for all the stuff i go through. And in desiring that care, i no longer am the hero that can make it through anything, but am the helpless hero, who parades as invincible but secretly is just longing for someone to save me from life...

perhaps what the dreams are telling me is that being a hero is not as glorifying as i think; that its impossible to go through life without tripping and falling once in awhile needing someone's help. That somewhere between hero and victim is where i will find myself and be fulfilled. I don't need to save the world. i don't need to be on my deathbed. that to be me, just me, neither extra-ordinary or under-ordinary... that being just plain old me, would help me live a much less tiresome life

"run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up"
- dean karnazes, runner

note to self: .NEVER. GIVE.UP.

frustrated

when you pour time and effort into something sometimes you hope to reap rewards. or not necessarily rewards... but response.

Sometimes i need reassurance telling me that i'm not doing something wrong, or that i'm not some complete idiot. Maybe that makes me insecure... and i guess maybe that's what i am.

but a lot of the time, i never get that response... i feel as though all that time and effort was wasted. what's the point? Things can run on their own, what is my role, my impact at all?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
~Galatians 6:9-10~

why is it so hard?
i'm just so frustrated there's so many more things that i can commit my time and effort to... why can't i just give up?

i can't wait until i can climb into a hole and just sleep... and forget about everyone else

i was watching full house the other day.... and one of the episodes i watched was talking about DJ's first boyfriend... and... and he only 'dated' her because he could get help with his homework, and in the end, choosing to sit with cathy santoni because she's "pretty".... DJ then proceeded to hide in her room crying....

the three guys (danny, uncle jesse and joey) try to tell DJ the story of the 'ugly duckling' and it made DJ even MORE upset because 'she never thought she was ugly, she thought she was just not as pretty... and NOW she's ugly!!!'... becky (uncle jesse's soon-to be wife) annnd yells at the boys and tells them to go away, and says she'll talk to DJ herself...

so she does. one of the things she said her mom said to her was something along the lines of... "don't worry what anyone thinks of you... you just be the best becky you can be... then she made me stand and list all the good things about me..."

every since i've been young i think there is an incredible urge to compare myself to other people. Everyone else seemed better and it was such a struggle for me to determine what *i* was best at.

i think watching that episode reminded me that... there's a reason to why i am the way i am. no matter how great the next person is, or how much 'better'... i'm me for a reason, and all i can do is be the best 'joanna' i can be...




but sometimes i wonder is the best joanna is good enough...?

"little black book"

the first time i watched this movie i hated it. like HATED it. thought it was retarded a huge waste of my time. i did however enjoy the fact that *spoiler alert* that the 'girl' didn't get her 'prince' at the end, but it was still a 'happy' ending.

But... some 4 years later (or so) i watch this movie again and though still not the 'best' movie i've seen (far from it)... but some of the things they say really resonate in me, and i just needed to write them down:

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end...           
... we don't.
Perhaps luck exists somewhere between...the world of planning, the world of chance...
and in the peace that comes from knowing...that you just can't know it all.
You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up...
... right where you belong.

Bean: John Lennon said, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans."
Stacy:  Then he got shot.
Bean: Right.You just gotta live.
Stop planning your moves.
Let them happen. I mean, you might be surprised.

Life... happens. When time flies by, because you're so busy planning everything. You're so positive that your happy ending is supposed to happen in a specific way at a specific time with a specific person/specific people. You expect certain things to happen to you because that's how you imagined your happy ending in a particular way/form. But in the end... its when you let go of the wheel, and you just LIVE, and you stop planning everything... that you might be surprised where you end up, and that's where you TRULY find your 'happy ending'.

How does a girl fall down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos...come out the other end unchanged?
the answer? She doesn't.

My life is OBVIOUSLY not that dramatic. But how can you go through life and NOT change?
When your life falls into what APPEARS to be chaos, how can you not come out the other end looking at everything differently?

break

sometimes its just necessary to take a break from things and just... set aside the things that you worry about, that you need to do, that you just can't stop thinking about.

for me, i think i find it very difficult to find a "break". i can never seem to grasp the concept of letting go of something. The thought is constantly plaguing my mind, and its as if there's nothing i can do about it, except wallow until finally the pervasive thought leaves my mind (which is usually not for a long time)

but oddly, yesterday when i think this 'break' was necessary, it came... easily.

sports have often been my release. Whether it was rugby in high school, hockey earlier in my university career, or softball this summer... it has always been a time where i can take my frustrations out on an item and not physically cause [too much] damage to another human being.

This summer, softball has been a Godsend. it allowed me much time away from my lonely apartment to spend weekends with many familiar faces. It helped remind me that i was not old enough to learn a new sport, and continue to improve in it... it allowed me to meet new friends and see old ones that i haven't seen for a long time...

and last night, spending one last night with this group of people reminded me that God didn't leave me "high and dry" with no way to exert my frustrations. That for me, there WAS escape, even when i didn't realize it. That there was always a way of letting things go..... just like in most sports... you screw up one play... you can't let that one play screw up the whole game. Sure, you miss a popfly... but so what? catch the next one (and make it look good)
you have to let GO of things... and you can't think short term.... you can't give in to one thing that could potentially ruin your entire game.

as i stare out my window i continue to wonder where this term has gone... and why i didn't enjoy some things, like softball as much as i should've :)

funny... lately things have been going a bit crazy ever since i stopped playing softball... the whole beginning of the summer was so relaxing and chill... then once the season ended chaos ensued.
maybe its a sign that i need to quit school and go into sports full time or something... for the sake of my sanity

chicken salad sandwich

so the building i work in is in a bunch of buildings with cafeterias scattered among some of the high rises.
for the first 3 months of my work term here i've been going to the cafeteria that was closer... their food there is okay, and is pretty cheap (i can get a soup and salad for... 4$?) so when i didn't bring a lunch i would go there.
lately i've been afraid to go there because the man there is quite scary. He's done things like feel my coworkers biceps, introduce me to his son (yes he is that old) then check me out... all in all he's a nice man, just a few creepy tendencies.

aside from this, this cafe sold BAD TURKEY BREAST to my coworker about two weeks ago. I'm sure it was an accident, and maybe was just a BIT different tasting, but none the less, it tasted weird in her tiny sandwich. She ended up having a lettuce tomato sandwich.

So... just last week, i decided to try the OTHER cafeteria in our set of buildings... "sweet rosie's".
I just about DIED
the decor on that side was so nice. it was like a fancy cafe with nice couches, it was clean and it was just... a very nice looking place.
I decided to order the 'chicken salad sandwich' because i had heard good things.
let me explain to you this sandwich:
it is made with two pieces of fresh, homemade bread.
FRESH, HOMEMADE bread.
these slices are lightly buttered and spread with mayo. Topped off with some lettuce about 3 tomatoes with pepper sprinkled on top. The lettuce is not soggy and does not soak into the bread. It makes the sandwich taste "crisp" just as lettuce should
the chicken salad is made with REAL CHICKEN. thick squares of juicy chicken breast marinated with something yummy and mixed with mayonnaise... not to mention they put.... like SIX scoops of chicken salad. its massive.

presentation is important too. the sandwich is cut from corner to corner into triangles.

all this for 4$ how can you go wrong?

printer woes

for the entire day today (and part of yesterday) our printer in the office wasn't working. this poses a problem because we print thousands and thousands of pages of documents, pictures, reports, maps, emails, tickets, receipts every single day.

and the entire day today, we couldn't get it to work.

so about 5 minutes ago, my coworker calls one of the guys and says:
"i know its not your problem, but our printer is broken and we don't know what to do. we took it apart yesterday and it still doesn't work."

meanwhile, i am walking over to the printer determined to fix the printer after all its stupidity.
i pull out the print cartridge and the paper tray. nope nothing stuck. check the light again and the stupid orange light was still there. i finally get fed up and turn off the printer.
a second later i turn it back on, and the orange light is gone.
i ask my coworker to try to print something... and lo and behold... it worked!!

arms raised i yell "i'm a genuis" then proceed back to my seat, my coworkers amazed at my geniusness.

we tried to call back the guy that was supposed to come help us, but his line was busy. we figure, it's okay we'll call him later with the news of my awesome control over technology.

finally we reach him. "... i'll come over and formally fix your printer later. pretty much what happened was your wires were crossed and the printing was feeding over to our printers over here so that's why you never got your print outs. i'll come over later to check...."

i'm hiding behind the back of my chair trying not to laugh at my own stupidity :P

tech guy = 1 Joanna = 0

Christmas in July

so there's a custom around the office and at 8:30 every morning they make a pot of coffee (tim hortons, van houtte. whatever is around) and then same thing around 2pm.
Problem: i hate the taste of coffee.
oddity: i love the smell of coffee grinds. So when my co worker cracked open the can of van houtte grinds, i stole it and smelt it for a good 10 minutes.

anyway... today a new co-worker introduced me to chai tea. i told her that i'm not a coffee person, that i like tea better. so today she brought in packets of chai tea and earl grey tea... and me being so adventurous i had my VERY first cup of chai tea.

it tastes like christmas my coworker said.
annnd she was right.

chai tea... tastes like Christmas.

bloody jeans!

There are no "hitch" characters in real life who swoop in to save a girl when they are being hit on by a guy who is way to persistent to be comfortable with.

A considerably older man sat beside on the subway this morning. Okay, not CONSIDERABLY older; he told me he had just graduated from UWO, but he DRESSED old enough to be my father.

Anyhow, the subway was fairly empty and as i sat down at a three seated bench, i usually didn't have to worry about people sitting next to me until bloor station. That's how subway rides usually go. People like their personal space, and so usually if there are multiple empty seats you never CHOOSE to sit beside someone.
But when i got to about college station, this man sits beside me. noisily, might i add. i glance up from my metro and i see him rearranging his lunch box. Opening it, taking a bite then stuffing it back into his bag. His elbow nearly hit me. I refrained from comment, it is none of my business; if anything it was a good note to remind me that that is something i shouldn't do on the subway... pull out my ricebox and eat from it while nearly elbowing my neighbour.

i continued to read from my metro, and i see him glancing over at my newspaper. maybe he wants to see what page i'm on. He opened his metro and read, his elbow jutting out a little bit into my seat, but i figured, hey, no big deal, i can squish. by about york mills station, his elbow was halfway across my seat, i couldn't open my newspaper even if i wanted to. I figured, York mills, i'm getting off soon anyway. i close my newspaper. Bad idea.

he turned and asked what time it was, i reply. he asked if they fixed the train tracks at laurence (which they did). He commented on how the trip is so much faster. he asked me if i'm from toronto, where i studied, what kind of work i'm in, where i'm working. in turn replying his own questions with his own answers. me, trying to be polite answered the questions with as little detail as possible making no eye contact. I'm stupid and naive.

he says "i get off at finch". i say, "i get off at the next stop". He answers: "can i contact you". I say "no". then get up. THANK GOD i transfer. i don't work that close to sheppard/yonge.

i'm standing at the door, and i glance at my chair to see if i've left anything (a custom, though i shouldn't have done it this time!)... "are you busy tonight?" YES. he returns to his metro, arms folded nicely at his side. so he CAN keep his elbows to himself. And then it hit me. he stuck out his elbow so i would close my metro so i would talk to him. wow.

then another man starts talking to me randomly on the way to my bus. i wonder if i have a sign that says "hit on me please!" on my forehead. and i try contemplating what is DIFFERENT about today.

Then i remember. its casual day at work and i'm wearing jeans. must be the jeans.

internet praise

i decided to send an e-card to a friend to day.
upon receiving the "the person has opened your e-card" email, this was the first line:
...
Hello!

someone@gmail.com has viewed your Hallmark E-Card. You’re very thoughtful for sending one.

...
why thank you hallmark, i think i'll do it again sometime

When it rains, it pours.

I was talking to kat yesterday, and she was asking me how long it takes me to get to work:
(disclaimer: conversation edited a bit, it was late, I can’t remember exact contents of what was said)
Me: ummm 40 minutes or an hour
Kat: oh! Why the wide range?
Me: its not really a range. I either get there in 40 minutes … or an hour
Kat:….
Me: pretty much if I miss one subway I miss the one that I need to switch to AND I miss the bus. So on good days, I’ll catch them all *bam, bam, bam*… other days I wait like 5 minutes for each. It stinks…

I’ve come to realize that when it rains, it pours. Once one bad thing happens, everything happens concurrently making one situation 10x worse than it usually is just because everything sucks around you.

Good days, are generally just good. There aren’t very many obstacles that get in the way of a good day.

Yesterday was one of those good days. I rolled out of bed@ 7:15 made it out of the apartment by 7:30 and to the office by 8:15 (okay, so 45 minutes including walking to the subway station and walking from the bus station to work :P) and was sitting at my computer ready to attack the day. Subways/buses were there waiting for me when I got the respective stations… it was great.
This morning it wasn’t great. I left my house @ 7:31. that ONE MINUTE made me slightly late for work. That ONE MINUTE was the difference between making it here at 8:15 and making it here at 8:35. here I am, NOT ready to attack the day, incredibly sore throat with mild headache. I am grumpy.

Not to mention it’s a beautiful day outside but they recommend we stay inside cuz of a SMOG alert. Not to mention it’s FREEZING in my office. Not to mention… okay things don’t suck that badly, I’m just grumpy.

When it rains, it pours.

This morning i discovered how big of a problem i had.

so i decided to take annato's advice and "watch people" on the subway to help my commute pass by faster. As people were exiting the subway, i began to "watch" people, watch how they pushed and shoved to get out of the subway as fast as possible, to RUN down to the lower level to catch the next subway. but then, i got bored, and my eyes dropped. very low.
and there is where i discovered my problem. I found something down there that caught my eye.

shoes. as each person stepped out of the subway car, i stared intently at their shoes scrutinizing whether i should get a pair like it or not. Whether i HAD a pair like that or not. Whether they would look good on my feet, whether they looked good on THEIR feet. i found myself wanting to shop and buy NEW shoes (even though i definitely have MORE than enough)

*sigh* I am Joanna Wu and i am addicted to... shoes.

subway etiquette

within my first couple of days in toronto i've learned several things in which i realized were essential to my stay in toronto. The most important i have encountered is the idea of subway etiquette.

Upon my arrival at work, i began to commute from work with my coworker. On our first trip back , he commented on the poor performance of my ttc-ing skills: otherwise known as my lack of subway etiquette.

Why is this important?
Subway etiquette is important to help in the efficiency in transporting you from one place to another. The knowledge of subway etiquette will help you travel from one point to another in the quickest way possible, and help avoid conflict or other forms of potential trouble.

My first mistake as a rookie ttc-er, was in my anxiousness to board the subway, i stood in a place which slightly obstructed the door in which the numerous amounts of impatient commuters were waiting to come out. As the door opened, the packed subway emptied onto the platform, and do to my partial obstruction, there was a narrower exit for the many people to come pouring out. This forced many of the people exiting to push and shove one another to squeeze out of the even smaller opening. My obstruction even caused a few angry ttc-ers to run into me and give me a look of disgust. In subway etiquette it is important to remember to let passengers exit before barging onto the subway. This will allow for a fully unobstructed door, and will deter dirty looks being thrown your way.

Second, i stood on the left side of the escalator. It is a well known fact (especially if you are from the big city) that this is very inappropriate. Much like a road, the left 'lane' acts as a 'passing' lane. Such as with the road, drivers will honk at you if you drive too slowly in the passing lane, and if you don't pick up speed, will try and manoeuvre around you. This increases the chance of a potential accident (with all the weaving). Likewise with the escalator. If you choose to stand on the lefthand side, commuters may choose to try and manoeuvre around you weaving from left to right and then back. This is a potential hazard as it increases the chance for someone to trip and knock into someone, or even fall down the escalator. Therefore, according to subway etiquette, if you choose to ride the escalator up (or down), please remember to stand on the right side of the escalator

The third, was not a mistake of etiquette i made on my own, but rather was one i observed this morning with my coworker. This mistake made an ordinarily composed young businessman to lose his composure temporarily and caused me to step back onto my coworkers toes. When departing from a bus from the back doors, take note to listen for a 'click' before trying to push the door open. failure to wait for the click (or at least see a green light turn on) to push will cause the door to lock and make a loud buzzing noise. I am told this is a safety mechanism. Nonetheless, blocks the one door and causes chaos as exit is only possible from one door instead of two. In order for the door to unlock, the buzzing needs to stop and the bus driver to reset it. But, if you are like the gentleman this morning and keeps pushing on the door, the busdriver is unable to reset because the buzzing will persist. This chain of events caused the man to back up in anger and impatience onto my foot, which caused me to step on my coworkers. Therefore, when exiting a bus from the back doors, subway (or ttc) etiquette says to wait for the click.

as my travels continue on the ttc i will hopefully to make more notes of subway etiquette, but as for now, i hope that i have enlightened you to become just a little bit more courteous when you choose to "ride the rocket"

see #24

According to Google maps, this is the quickest way to get to Paris, France from New york, New York:

1. Head southeast on Chambers St toward Broadway
0.2 mi 1 min
2. Turn right at Centre St
0.1 mi
3. Slight left at Park Row
210 ft
4. Sharp left at Frankfort St
0.3 mi 1 min
5. Turn left at Pearl St
56 ft
6. Turn right onto the F.D.R. Dr N ramp
0.4 mi 1 min
7. Merge onto FDR Dr N
7.7 mi 12 mins
8. Take exit 17 on the left for Triboro Bridge/Grand Central Pkwy toward I-278/Bruckner Expy
0.4 mi 2 mins
9. Merge onto Triborough Bridge
Partial toll road 0.4 mi 1 min
10. Merge onto I-278 E via the ramp to I-87 N/Bronx/Upstate N Y/New England
0.6 mi 1 min
11. Take exit 47 to merge onto Bruckner Expy/I-278 E toward New Haven
1.9 mi 2 mins
12. Take the I-278 E exit toward New Haven
0.3 mi
13. Merge onto Bruckner Expy
5.0 mi 6 mins
14. Continue on I-95 N
Partial toll road Entering Connecticut
62.1 mi 1 hour 12 mins
15. Take exit 48 on the left to merge onto I-91 N toward Hartford
36.8 mi 37 mins
16. Take exit 29 for US-5 N/CT-15 toward I-84/E Hartford/Boston
0.4 mi
17. Merge onto CT-15 N
1.7 mi 2 mins
18. Merge onto I-84 E
Partial toll road Entering Massachusetts
40.7 mi 38 mins
19. Take the exit onto I-90 E/Mass Pike/Massachusetts Turnpike toward N.H.-Maine/Boston
Partial toll road 56.0 mi 56 mins
20. Take exit 24 A-B-C on the left toward I-93 N/Concord NH/S Station/I-93 S/Quincy
0.4 mi 1 min
21. Merge onto Atlantic Ave
0.8 mi 3 mins
22. Turn right at Central St
0.1 mi
23. Turn right at Long Wharf
0.1 mi
24. Swim across the Atlantic Ocean
3,462 mi 29 days 0 hours
25. Slight right at E05
0.5 mi 2 mins
26. At the roundabout, take the 2nd exit onto E05/Pont Vauban
0.1 mi
27. Turn right at E05
Partial toll road 17.3 mi 22 mins
28. At the roundabout, take the 2nd exit onto A131/E05 heading to A131/Rouen/Paris/Evreux
Partial toll road 9.1 mi 8 mins
29. Take the exit onto A13/E05/L'Autoroute de Normandie
Partial toll road 20.3 mi 17 mins
30. Take the exit onto A13/E05/L'Autoroute de Normandie
Partial toll road 56.5 mi 47 mins
31. Take the exit on the left onto A14 toward Nanterre/La Défense
Partial toll road 12.5 mi 16 mins
32. Slight right at N13
1.4 mi 3 mins
33. Turn right at Avenue de Neuilly/N13
269 ft
34. At the roundabout, take the 4th exit onto Avenue de la Grande Armée
0.7 mi 3 mins
35. At Place Charles de Gaulle, take the 5th exit onto Avenue des Champs-Elysées
1.3 mi 3 mins
36. Slight right at Voie Georges Pompidou
1.4 mi 3 mins
37. Slight left to stay on Voie Georges Pompidou
440 ft
38. Slight right at Quai de la Mégisserie
377 ft
39. Continue on Quai de Gesvres
0.2 mi 1 min
40. Turn left at Place de l'Hôtel de Ville

*disclamier... i'm NOT trying to sound profound by quoting or discussing this quote. I simply posted it up here because i encountered it while reading one of my 10 books for the summer, and it really spoke to ME*

There is, in a word nothing comfortable about the Bible-- Until we manage to get so used to it that we make it comfortable for ourselves... Have we ceased to question the book and be questioned by it? Have we ceased to fight it? Then perhaps our reading is no longer serious. For most people, the understanding of the Bible is, and should be a stuggle: not merely to find meanings that can be looked up in books of reference, but to come to terms personally with the stark scandal and contradiction in the Bible itself... Let us not be too sure we know the Bible just because we have learned to to be astonished at it, just because we have learned not to have a problem with it... -- Thomas Merton

this really made me think. it made me realize that sometimes i struggle to read the bible, and maybe that's a GOOD thing. not that i give up, but that i'm not "abnormal" for not always "getting" everything that i read in the bible. Sometimes i think that's what holds me back. i just don't get things like everyone else seems to. I can't look at a passage and be like "I feel God is speaking to me..." sometimes it takes me TIME, and it takes a lot of effort to see God speaking to me through the word. But maybe its good that i don't just take it for what its worth and just stop asking questions. Maybe the idea is that you SHOULD take the time and mull over a passage. to sit and question what you're reading, to think about what applicational aspects it has to your life, and what purpose does it serve in your relationship with God, AT THIS MOMENT...

Reading this quote this morning on the subway really encouraged me to keep TRYING to read the Bible...

back from reality

so after a long break, i'm back.

after much contemplation, i've decided to give my blog another chance to fulfill a purpose in my life. A chance to get my creative juices going, to maintain a place in my life which does not need to be controlled by reality. just a corner in which i can overdramatize my life, where i can simplify everything just to make me feel better. this is just for me.

and it IS me.
no inhibitions.
me, straight up.
No 'on the rocks' business

.goodbye [for now].

its the end of an era... or at least the blog-phase