Spread too thin

At work, there's always so many things to do. Initiatives to plan, meetings to attend, people to see, networks to connect to. Being a 'new' employee to the organization, it's difficult to say no. At times it's almost like I'm 'forcefully' throwing myself into conversations, committees, discussions, initiatives because then I look good, I'm trying hard and contributing something. But sometimes, even with a full plate I can't turn down an invitation because I want to look open and eager.

My supervisor (often the one loading me with tasks) and many coworkers constantly remind me to learn to 'say no'. If I say yes to everything, sure it's great, but it can also mean I do everything at a mediocre level as opposed to do one (or a few things) thing great.

I think it's something that I do a lot in all aspects of my life. I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to focus myself on one task, one person - I want to be everything to everyone. In the end I may have a lot of achievements, but nothing I truly think I excel it. I may have a lot of people who know me, but very few friends that I say really 'know' me. I say no when I should say yes, and yes when I should say no.

How do I change?

To the stranger on the 42 bus heading east this evening- thank you. Thanks for helping me pick up my groceries when the bag ripped. Thanks lending a hand while I tried to gather my dignity and my belongings as other people just stood and stared. Thank you for your quiet 'happy valentine's day' to me as you left the bus.

You made my night! I hope you had an wonderful evening with the people you love. :)

personal day

i finally know why working people put 'personal days' at such a high esteem.

personal days are not just a day off from work, but it's a day to wake up on your own time. To do what you want to do without other things bogging you down. To let your body recuperate from months of busy work days.

I know that's usually what weekends are for. But weekends are usually so planned. Knowing that Saturday/Sunday are there means that you stuff them full of activities, meeting up with friends, playing sports, shopping, going out of town. Personal days are an EXTRA day. one where nothing is planned and you can go about what you want/need to do at your own pace.

"the secret to success is constancy to purpose."- Benjamin Disraeli

I've been finding myself so lost in so many different things, and caught up in the routine that I've lost my sense of why the heck i'm doing the things i'm doing.

Personal days allow you to take a step back from life and really get personal with yourself. What have i been doing? Where am I going? Where and what do I want to be?

Discipline

I was speaking last night to a friend, and something he said really struck a chord.

His comment went something like this:

“you know, I was thinking the other day about you and your lack of discipline. I mean not in a bad way - I think it's funny.

For Example:

[at an event] "oh i dont want to play, i'm just going to watch and leave." [but you end] up playing.

OR
[at a friend’s place] "oh i dont want any dumplings" then they are in front of you and you start eating.

I’m gonna start taking note of these! So funny.``

I didn’t know whether to be horrified at his comment because this is not a trait I want, or feel offended that he found my faults amusing, or whether i should just laugh it off.

The more I stewed about it, the more it bothered me. Something was wrong here. Was it that I have a lack of discipline? Was it just that I was easily persuaded? Am I simply someone that changes their mind a lot?

I’ve recently been stuck in a bit of a rut. It’s been 4 months since I’ve officially moved to Toronto and started full time work. I haven’t found a church, a fellowship, haven’t found time to hang out with friends regularly. My typical evening after work consists of cooking dinner and watching TV from about 7pm-midnight then going to bed. Some nights I will spend time cleaning/baking/grocery shopping. Maybe once a week I will go see a friend or two for bubble tea/coffee. I’ve spent a lot of time alone, and putting my brain on hold. I’m just ‘too tired’ after work.

But I had goals. By December I was supposed to have joined some sports, done other extra cirriculars, met some people, joined a church and a fellowship. What happened? Had I simply changed my mind? Did the TV convince me that it was better company than real people? Or was this laziness?

I really could say “it’s only been 4 months, and my contract ends in March, I might not even be in Toronto long term”. Or quip “Full time work is hard! I’m so tired after work. I deserve to sit at home and vegetate”. Or even “How am I expected to stay in one position for so long since co-op has trained me to think in ‘4 month terms”.

None of those ‘excuses’ are untrue, or even bad to say. They are all completely valid statements. But the point is that I CHOSE to set a goal for myself. I CHOSE what I wanted to achieve by the end of December. And in the end, I just made excuses, I blamed other people, other things for my failure. Perhaps it’s as my friend said, I have a lack of discipline to achieve things I want to achieve; lack the motivation to follow through on my word. If I cannot even follow through on promises I make to myself, how can I follow through on promises I make to others?

I realize I break my word to my friends a lot. Even telling people “I’ll be there in an hour”, when there’s NO WAY that I can realistically ‘be there an hour’, or I get caught up in a conversation. It’s about making commitments and sticking to them.

“Many say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why it’s recommended daily.”   Zed Ziglar

I don’t even know where to begin to change. Is it just becoming so awesome that I meet every goal I set it for myself? Is it never promising anything so that I cannot fail? Maybe it’s learning to make more realistic in what I say so that I can learn to make my actions match my words.  I really don’t know. All I know is that this is something I want to change.

Progress

I've been working as a nurse for about 2.5 months now. It's hard to believe how fast time has flown. On the contrary with all the little things I've been learning everyday I wonder if I will ever excel at my job.
But today was a proud moment for me. I've definitely had days in the past 2.5 months where I've felt inferior and sometimes downright stupid. But today, I took initiative, I worked on my own, I advocated for my patients, I planned, I consulted. Annnnd I ran my first flu clinic... Which doubled in numbers compared to last years flu clinic!
To say I was estatic is an understatement. I'm sure I will continue to have those bad days. But it's these good days that reminds me it's okay to make mistakes and not be super awesome at all times. Sometimes it takes a little bit of work and effort and time, but it does pay off in the end.

i often wonder if i'm going to make it through. i wonder if i'm strong enough, ponder if all i am is a creation of my own consequences. Whether through all the mistakes i've dug myself into a hole i cannot crawl out of.

but i am determined to show that what you've sunk your love and care into was not in vain. that i can do it. i can face my demons and discover that - hey, yes i messed up. and yes i'm damaged. but that's okay, i don't need to punish myself anymore for it.

i can wake up and be free of this pain that others have caused me, and finally... finally rise above it all.

letting go doesn't mean forgetting. it means looking at these things that have had a grip on me and saying - "you don't have a hold anymore. i am free." It doesn't mean things don't still hurt, but that they don't hurt me enough to cripple me. it means me taking my life back and looking forward to the next day, not living in constant fear of what tomorrow brings.

now it's time to go, curtains finally closing. that was quite a show, very entertaining. but it's over now. go on, take a bow.

Sometimes, I think I do things that don't make any sense to prove something I don't need to prove. does that make me brave? Or stupid?

From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

- future ted from himym season 4 ep.6

patience

not my strong suit.

but i know that there is a purpose and something to take out of all this waiting.

harry potter 7.2! :) yes. I am wearing a cape cuz i'm cool like that

Photo taken from Amanda's iPhone

lunchbreak lounging in the back of a car

lobster-wrangler. the lobster was much heavier than i thought it'd be.

i miss HK

dinner date with crepes, robots saving the world and 3D glasses

blast from the past

was searching through my phone and found this old picture. Jo and I decided because it was Tuesday, we'd get cupcakes. being indecisive about the kind we wanted, we split half and half. Peanutbutter-chocolate mint (i think) cupcakes for the win! 

photo taken July 7 - pro-movers at work 

mani/pedis

"these flies are so stupid!"

Heidi: 2, Flies, 0

what i saw today

no picture today. i figure i should eventually explain why i've started posting random pictures in my blog. it seems a bit tedious and difficult (especially since i use blogger... if this were tumblr, or some other medium it may be easier =P) but i've been randomly following this blog for some time: 

http://www.thingsisawtoday.com/index.php

as one of my 101 goals, i had wanted to write 1001 blessings -one for each day i was attempting my list. however shortly after i started, i started skipping days, skipping weeks - remembering only every so often to write something down. forcing myself to stop and take a picture of what's going on around me, even if it's just a small glimpse reminds me of the wonders in my own world. 

by no stretch of the imagination am i a good photographer. i don't have a great camera, or great photo editting capabilities or even a photographic 'eye'. But day by day sifting through those photos i was inspired to think about how each day has something new and different that maybe someone on the otherside of the world may never have seen. Something plain and simple to my eye may be spectacular and beautiful in someone else's. 

parallel parked at 8am :)

princess cafe

princess cafe is the place to be for delicious soup+sandwiches, fulfilling conversations, beautiful friendships and red velvet cupcakes :)