Discipline

I was speaking last night to a friend, and something he said really struck a chord.

His comment went something like this:

“you know, I was thinking the other day about you and your lack of discipline. I mean not in a bad way - I think it's funny.

For Example:

[at an event] "oh i dont want to play, i'm just going to watch and leave." [but you end] up playing.

OR
[at a friend’s place] "oh i dont want any dumplings" then they are in front of you and you start eating.

I’m gonna start taking note of these! So funny.``

I didn’t know whether to be horrified at his comment because this is not a trait I want, or feel offended that he found my faults amusing, or whether i should just laugh it off.

The more I stewed about it, the more it bothered me. Something was wrong here. Was it that I have a lack of discipline? Was it just that I was easily persuaded? Am I simply someone that changes their mind a lot?

I’ve recently been stuck in a bit of a rut. It’s been 4 months since I’ve officially moved to Toronto and started full time work. I haven’t found a church, a fellowship, haven’t found time to hang out with friends regularly. My typical evening after work consists of cooking dinner and watching TV from about 7pm-midnight then going to bed. Some nights I will spend time cleaning/baking/grocery shopping. Maybe once a week I will go see a friend or two for bubble tea/coffee. I’ve spent a lot of time alone, and putting my brain on hold. I’m just ‘too tired’ after work.

But I had goals. By December I was supposed to have joined some sports, done other extra cirriculars, met some people, joined a church and a fellowship. What happened? Had I simply changed my mind? Did the TV convince me that it was better company than real people? Or was this laziness?

I really could say “it’s only been 4 months, and my contract ends in March, I might not even be in Toronto long term”. Or quip “Full time work is hard! I’m so tired after work. I deserve to sit at home and vegetate”. Or even “How am I expected to stay in one position for so long since co-op has trained me to think in ‘4 month terms”.

None of those ‘excuses’ are untrue, or even bad to say. They are all completely valid statements. But the point is that I CHOSE to set a goal for myself. I CHOSE what I wanted to achieve by the end of December. And in the end, I just made excuses, I blamed other people, other things for my failure. Perhaps it’s as my friend said, I have a lack of discipline to achieve things I want to achieve; lack the motivation to follow through on my word. If I cannot even follow through on promises I make to myself, how can I follow through on promises I make to others?

I realize I break my word to my friends a lot. Even telling people “I’ll be there in an hour”, when there’s NO WAY that I can realistically ‘be there an hour’, or I get caught up in a conversation. It’s about making commitments and sticking to them.

“Many say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why it’s recommended daily.”   Zed Ziglar

I don’t even know where to begin to change. Is it just becoming so awesome that I meet every goal I set it for myself? Is it never promising anything so that I cannot fail? Maybe it’s learning to make more realistic in what I say so that I can learn to make my actions match my words.  I really don’t know. All I know is that this is something I want to change.