on being a snob

when you look at things from one perspective, with a certain set of eyes, or 'glasses' if you will, everything can be spun to look one way.

at mac i am OLD
though this fact may indeed be true... does it really make a difference? i've been in hamilton for a solid week now and i've spent most of it stuck in the mentality and perspective that i'm old. that i am not a frosh. in attending the ccf, when people asked me if i was a frosh, i laughed and quickly corrected them - no, i'm not. i've ALREADY gotten a degree. i went to waterloo. i am far superior to you

i think looking at everything from these glasses has sort of put up a barrier for people who may just want to get to know me. shield them because in my own way, i'm saying, i've got my own friends, i don't need anymore. May way of saying, i'm older, more mature than you, and you have nothing to offer me that i don't already have. i have in a weird twisted way become a sort of snob, who is overly proud, to the point where when i look at others, i look down on them.

in my gtalk conversations, the fact came up - don't be a snob joanna. i scoffed and brushed it off. it's not that i think i'm better, it's the fact i AM older, and i can't be that juvenile anymore, and there's just this separation in understanding between the-.... wait. what did i say?

i've always had my share of younger friends. being in waterloo, especially my last term, i spent a bit of time with frosh friends, 2nd years, 3rd years, 4th years... and though sometimes, yes, i realized it was my age that was bringing up the average age... but it never bothered me. I always believed, you could learn something from everyone. who cares about difference in age. yet, when i arrived at mcmaster, all i've been seeing is the world through age-tinted glasses.

so, ask me again - i dare you. Am i frosh?
why yes! yes i am. and i'm ready for my first year at mac.



note: this is not to be confused with age-delusion. in this new mindset, it's not that i believe that i am any younger than i am, but being comfortable enough with that fact that - who cares? i'm still glad to meet you, age gap or not.

on being stubborn

i have a headache
my stomach is grumbling
it's getting cold
everyone is leaving

but i refuse to leave my seat in the library at mac... because i have no contact with the outside world at 'home'

being alone at home isn't that bad - why am i avoiding it?
man i need to suck it up and just adapt -_-

first day of 'real' class tomorrow. deep breaths. here i go

on taking blood

scene: 5 year old joanna in a blood lab, eyes tearing, sitting on mom's lap
mom: you need to hold still or the needle will hurt MORE!
little joanna: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*nurse pokes in needle*
little joanna is crying and shaking uncontrollably now
mom: JUST.HOLD.STILL!!!!!
*end scene*


scene: ~10 year old joanna in a blood lab, getting blood tested after being really really sick
nurse: we're going to take this much (holds up bottle) blood from you okay?
*sticks in needle, blood starts to drain out... nurse leaves the room*
joanna: ooouuuuuch that hurt... and hey... look... my blood is coming out of my a...... *passes out*
*end scene*

scene: 23 year old joanna in occupational health nurse office, getting immunizations checked for nursing
nurse: looks like we're going to have to take some blood to make sure you're immune to everything.
joanna: okay
nurse gathers supplies, and pokes joanna (while she is watching) with a needle, takes the blood. joanna leaves.
*end scene*


sometimes it's hard to see on the surface that you've grown. but then suddenly onions don't taste so bad, tofu has become a choice food, and even taking blood is no longer a big ordeal... you see that there IS growth. i'm growing up. maybe not exactly the way, the speed or HOW i want... but there is improvement and change - and that to me is growth.

i can safely say i've grown out of the fat little chubby kid that first went to westvale for my first day of kindergarten, and would only speak chinese with jasmine because we were BFF. outgrown the nerdy little skinny kid entering Centennial for the first time, excited to see what lockers were about. matured from the (still) nerdy girl that entered WCI thinking it was my 'big chance' at independence. changed from the naive girl that walked through the doors of REV South A to begin my 'life'.

i've somehow changed into this person i am today. there are parts from my past self that i wish i still was - open, curious, creative... but then i realize that i needed to evolve. needed to be harder, needed to be more grounded, to be less whimsical. life's tough stuff.... but it's how we come out of the experiences that shapes and grows us.

so here i am, ready to start at another school. this time, no best friend in the next room. no pre-set of friends. on my own. and i gotta take it as it comes. no crying, no passing out. just go.

on making the effort

this term has been a term of hiding and not trying.

it's pretty bad falling into this complacent state where i prefer to come home and hermit and make my own dinners and eat grapes (partially because i'm trying to save money). but there are moments where i make my entrance into the world and really try to mingle with people and pull myself out of this depressive state.

but sometimes i can't help but stay in this slump, where i lack the motivation in general to push forward and try to accomplish something new... maybe not something new, but even just to work towards a goal.

i think things like deadlines, they help. it's pretty much an external force driving me when my internal force of motivation has failed. but i think predominantly the reason i've been avoiding people is because i know that when i face people, i have to face all the missed deadlines, all the missed opportunities, the skipped efforts, all that. i know that all of those things will come back to haunt me because people remind me of the things i should've done if it weren't for my laziness, tiredness, apathy.

sometimes it's easy for me to lose patience with people because i feel like all they want is me to do stuff for them. my boss is only teaching me this so that i can finish this other for them. my friends are only encouraging me to learn because they need me to help them out. i get semi annoyed at everyone who are pushing me to do things, not for my own sake, but for THEIR sake. i think that makes me frustrated... and 'turns me off' from doing what they ask me to - simply because, well... they asked me to.

but really... i know people mean well. they are encouraging me, teaching me, pushing me... because they want to SEE me become the person i say that i want to be.

so here's to change, to growth, to pushing forward. here's to accountability and watching out for each other.

a tale of two sisters

once upon a time there lived two sisters. they were heading to the younger sister's apartment for the night so they could have a good night of rest before a long day of work and travelling the next day.

unfortunately, there was only one bed available at the apartment, and it wasn't big enough to fit the two of them. the younger sister insisted that the older sister sleep in the bed because she was well older, and the older sister would be traveling all day so it would make sense for her to sleep comfortably in a bed. She also felt as though it was appropriate as the host to offer up the more comfortable sleeping location to the guest.

the older sister being stubborn refused and stole a blanket and fell asleep on the floor.

the younger sister being stubborn as well decided to sleep on the couch in spite of her sister. she figured if her sister woke up she would move to the bed.




in the end, because the two sisters were too stubborn, the bed was left empty.

.the end.

On summer days :)

hair down, wind blowing
shoes off, warm breeze
eyes closed, bus driver blaring country tunes
relaxed
it finally feels like summer

Sent from my iPod

on bad habits

So I've developed a bad habit of falling asleep while chatting to people around 10pm.... Then waking up at 3am because I had left the light on.

Sent from my iPod

on bad luck spells

they say that bad things happen in 3s. a few weeks ago, bad things started, happening, so i counted them, hoping after 3, it'd be followed by 3 good things. that's how it's supposed to work right?

- at FMP I misplaced my dad's car keys
- my Mastercard stopped working
- i started losing massive amounts of hair (like tooons)
- i worked almost 12 hour work days
- my days at work started beginning at 6am and getting home at 8pm
- my (mom's) laptop died
- i got rejected from some grad schools that i really wanted
- i am slowly going broke because i spent a ridiculous (like... REALLY HIGH AMOUNTS) amount of money in May

and the list kept going... and going... and going.

so it's not my fault that i haven't been blogging. i blame it all on the bad luck spell. whoever said that bad things happen in threes... well - there's 7 there. i guess that's three sets of three bad things... almost?

not to be looking on the dark and emo, I'm sureood things are always interspersed with the bad:
-my sister got engaged! :)
- i got new glasses (at FMP where i lost my dad's keys -_-)
- i got a new phone (though i found out that it won't let me read texts while i'm on a call -_-... though it SENDS texts...?)
- discovering that the reason why my mastercard stopped working would explain the reason my VISA stopped working like a year ago. WHICH! means i can reactivate my VISA again toooo yayyyy
- eating cheap wings with laura followed by a cheap (relatively... though not free!) movie night: UP :)
- weddings :)
- we won our first softball game of the season :)
- i got in (and finally accepted) mcmaster Nursing accelerated program for Sept 09
- i signed a lease on a new place to live starting in fall (in Hamilton)
- after realizing i am slowly going broke making a budget... and... err sort of sticking to it - making only cheap purchases - (i.e. 20$ cleats!!! :D)
- i am convocating in 2 days - i got a degree :)
- being disconnected from the world isn't bad. it's forced me to turn to things like books, phone, in-person meets.

perhaps my bad luck has turned. so for every bad thing... wow i have 11 good things listed. I guess my life doesn't suck after all

the climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

on the ugly duckling donut

I was standing in clinic waiting to see someone about my study, and i overhear the following exchange of words between a mother and her 6 or 7 year old daughter...

Mom: (holding a Tim Horton's bag that looked like it still had a lump of something in it)... so you see, you chose the beautiful pretty looking donut, and it was so gross you didn't want to finish it. When you really should've listened to me. I got a really ugly looking donut, but I knew the inside was delicious... I mean it was amazing, melt in your mouth, amazing!!

* the little girl was giggling throughout*

Mom: ... listen this is an important lesson! Do you remember on the parent trap? Meredith was really pretty on the outside, but she was so MEAN and HIDEOUS on the inside! This is an important life lesson! I hope you remember this when you are choosing a boy...
little girl: okay mommy.... *giggles some more*

the little girl was like 7... or 8... or 9 TOPS...
anyway... apparently the story of the ugly duckling... or these life lessons can be taught through a donut... you can never start to early i suppose...

on taking the leap

Lily: "You're like that goat with the washcloth. You want it so bad and every time the world tries to take it away from you, you keep grabbing it.
But... you know, it's just a washcloth. Why do you even want it?
Ted: because... I... I have to be an architect. That's... that's the plan.
Lily: screw the plan! I planned on being a famous artist, Marshall planned on being an environmental lawyer, Robyn planned on being a tv reporter-
Robyn: uh.. Hey i AM a tv reporter! i'm on every morning at 4am
Lily: is that still on? oh! Good for you!
Robyn: somebody watch it please.
Lily: Barney planned on being a violinist - don't tell me things!
You can't design your life like a building - it doesn't work that way. You just have to live it... and it'll design itself.
Ted: So i should just do nothing?
Lily: No... listen to what the world is telling you to do... and take the leap.

. how i met your mother. season 4 finale. the leap.

on settling

what happens when everything you hoped for, planned for in life leaves you high and dry, flat on your face?

You have a backup plan. Something you won't be dissatisfied with. enjoyable even. but this is the point you ask yourself - is that good enough? am i willing to settle?

overwhelmed - just breathe

on the lack of motivation

have you ever looked at a task so daunting that you don't know where to begin... and you just want to give up before you've even started?

i've recently been playing pokemon (yes i'm quite lame =P) on my way to work, because it passes the time and is relatively mindless. But as the end of the game approaches and I have to go face the elite four/defeat team galactica/capture the rare pokemon... i just suddenly got really unmotivated to finish the game. I haven't touched it for a week.

i'm not sure what sort of instinct i have in me that i just want to give up once the tasks get too big, or the chance of failure is really high. At work, i'm involved in numerous projects in which there's a lot to do... and i don't know where to start, so sometimes i sit there and twiddle my thumbs - not because i don't know how to do it... or don't have anything to do - the task is simply so large that i feel like i'm drowning before i begin.

It reminds me of this time my sister decided to come in and clean my room. She said 'the best strategy is to dump everything off your shelves onto the floor and start from scratch'. She proceeded to do this, and after she was done, i had a pile of junk up to my knees. We sorted through for awhile, and soon after we just called it a day, because after hours of sorting, we still had barely made a dent. Once we started doing one thing, we realized we needed to do something else in order to finish that first thing we started. It seemed like we started from the wrong place, and therefore leave a trail of unfinished tasks.

i'm not used to feeling overwhelmed. i like to believe i'm the type that rises to a challenge and, no matter what, finds a way to conquer it. but as i look on these little details in my life, i realize that i really am just a coward running away when things get too hard.

... and the ugly green-eyed monster rears it's head again. After being dormant for so long, it's hard to know what to do when he shows his face unexpectedly; me, unaware...

One Afternoon, I am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what I want for myself.
"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins"

age of marriage

so i have an exam in a few hours that i don't want to be studying for. I was really bored and decided to take the 'what age will you get married' quiz... this is my result

When will you get married

Created by pterodash

Your Result

At the age of 21.

.i am turning 23 in a few weeks. i am not married yet.

it's march.
where did the time go?

brand new day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97df0Q5qxa8

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend

And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

on msn conversations

i used to think i was awesome at msn conversations. There was something about being on msn (or any sort of online conversation medium) that made it easier for me to talk. I was able to verbalize myself well... and could stay up until 2am, 3 am , 4 am etc. just chatting. Something about msn was liberating. i could be myself with no regard and just talk for hours and hours... and it was fun. people would be like 'you're so different online than you are in person! you're a lot more outgoing, not as afraid to speak your mind'.

so i hung onto this belief that I was amazing at msn conversations. It wasn't until recently i learned that i've apparently come to suck at talking online.
I give one word answers. I ':p' ':)' ':(' 'aww....' 'yea...' all the time... and frequently the conversation always just end because... well because how do you respond to 'oh that's cool!' or 'aww... that sucks' or just ': )'

Upon talking to a friend about my seeming 'lack of interest' online, i realized that... what came so naturally before, the whole act of being myself and just speaking my mind and having good conversations has somehow slipped from my fingertips. May it be because my life has suddenly become a lot more boring... or i've drifted from my friends... or i just have lost the social skills, my msn skills just... well they stink. So my friend suggested a few rules to abide by when chatting online- so i'm not so frustrating to talk to online. Here they are:

1) an easy way to indicate interest in someone's answer is to ask a follow up question about something they said in their answer
2) general rule of thumb... the amount of text a person types to you should be roughly the same amount as what you reply with
3) when someone says A and B, respond to both A and B

When you don't have enough time to obey these rules in a conversation, it is better to not start the conversation at all (i.e. pretend you are not there when they message you) than to carry on in a half-hearted manner.

So, if i no longer answer your messages on msn, you know why.

.wise words.

-sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling. -

-So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. -

-The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.-


.Tuesdays with morrie.

On funny eating habits

So after two 'normal' days of eating 'breakfast' (if eating a slice of toast with peanut butter is considered breakfast!!) in my rush this morning I forgot to grab a slice.
Didn't really think it was a problem- I don't USUALLY eat breakfast... This is no different right? Wrong.

I got to work and about 10:30 rolled along and I was ready for lunch... I witheld my hunger until maybe 11:30 then just pulled out my sandwich for a quick bite. I ate the whole thing in like 5 minutes.

So I thought it wasn't too bad... It was noon-is anyway!!

Then around 3 my stomach started grumbling again... And by 3:30 I thought my stomach was going to eat itself so I bought a box of pad sew from Thai express and INHALED it

Now.. It's 7pm and apparently my stomach needs more food... So i eat some cereal... Talk about a backwards day.